Socially awkward

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As a socially awkward person, I'm used to making a fool of myself, and I'm usually able to laugh it off. I joke that if I ever met any of the celebrities I like I'd probably say something incredibly stupid or unintelligible. I often laugh at people's reactions so that would make me look all the more insane. I am that person that when someone says "happy birthday" I'll say "you too" or if they say "how are you?" I'll say "I'm Keisha" because that's how I roll. It takes a special kind of person to make some of the blunders I have. It's like I become tongue tied or something and I become a bumbling idiot, this is why I don't like talking to people. This is also probably why I have been quiet most of my life. I know to the lengths of which I am capable of embarrassing myself. A closed mouth shall gather no foot. I know I'm not stupid, but most people won't realize that simply upon meeting me because I make sure they don't know that about me. If only I could speak the way I write. It's not that I'm a wonderful writer, but I rarely stumble over words when I write. Writing has always been a way for me to express myself in a way in which I have never been able to express myself verbally. When you're socially awkward you tend to not care to speak most of the time for the fear of making a fool of yourself. Life is too short to worry about it, but I also have social and general anxiety which make me constantly feel judged. I really am my own worse critic. I physically feel ill when I am forced to talk to most people. I am prone to panic attacks when forced to talk or be around a bunch of strangers. I go into hiding when I am forced to be in big groups. I have a lot of "why did I say that?!" moments. I laugh later at the image on their face after having talked to me. Some people probably think I'm crazy. I have verbal diarrhea at times, which is why I don't talk. I'll say things that I can't figure out why I say them. I am also fairly blunt and honest, even when talking to people online and some people don't particularly care for my brand of honesty. If they ask me a question I answer it honestly, and I guess some people don't like how I answer it. I've had a lot of people just up and quit speaking to me, which I have learned to be OK with, I've learned to see it as me getting rid of people who can't like me for me, and who only pretend to be my friends. I will say my awkwardness has helped in the aspect of only keeping the people who actually do like me for me in my life and getting rid of the rest. I often joke that I seduced my boyfriend with my awkwardness. I told him only the strong stay. I just like to get rid of the weak ones right off the bat. The downside is I've drawn in some really weird people, and not the good kind of weird. It seems that those who are far weirder than I could ever be are drawn in by my awkward vibes. I have stories, but I'll save those for another day. That being said, as annoying as it is to be socially awkward I've learned to roll with it and use it as a way to get rid of people that shouldn't be in my life, to begin with, it's just bad when I need to actually come off as normal for things like job interviews and when I am forced to talk to people in my boyfriend's family. I hate that I come off as a weirdo to the people I have to actually have to have be a part of my life.