Tales of a New Wife #1: Biscuits make Hockey Pucks

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I have never played hockey. To be honest, trying to stand on ice is the equivalent of trying to stand on my nose. For me, BOTH are equally impossible. So when I made hockey pucks, one day for dinner my husband lovingly suggested I take up the sport.... We had just gotten married and I had NO idea how to cook. But considering I wasn't an idiot I thought, "how hard could it be." I read the instructions, heat the oven, bake for 12 minutes, and TA DA I would have fresh biscuits. Well I thought 12 minutes for the biscuits wasn't bad but.... I had never baked anything. NEVER... My mom was the Queen of Drive-Thru and I refused to be that, dang it I wanted to cook. But over the years I had become a master at microwaving things. So I used my limited logic to figure out how to use the microwave to accomplish my mission. My logic was as follows: Microwave is smaller than the oven>Therfore less powerful Less power means longer cook time microwave is 1/3 the size of the oven (see where this is going??) Cook time for biscuits in the microwave is 36minutes. Man, 36 minutes.... I had time to go outside and weed the flower bed while the biscuits cooked. So that's what I did. I put the biscuits on a plate, started the microwave and went outside..... Next thing I know the fire alarm is blaring throughout my house, and even my elderly neighbor lady heard it. She called 911 and I ran into the house to get my fur babies. Smoke was everywhere, I just knew we were losing our home.. What a way to start our life together. :,( The fire department arrives, I'm crying, they ask what may have happened before they run in. (I expected water hoses shooting, them being heroic and saving my little home). Crying I explained I was cooking biscuits in the microwave and the house just went up in flames. I didn't understand why they weren't freaking out; I was. One lone (heroic and brave) firefighter went in to the house. It seemed like forever, I was scared he'd died inside. Meanwhile, I'm also yelling at the other firefighters for not helping save my house. I'm a blubbering mess. When out of nowhere here comes the lone brave firefighter with something in his hands.... I had my dog, what had he found, was it a bomb, what in the world was he holding? He takes off his mask and is smiling from ear to ear... (This is NOT a smiling occasion.) He comes over to me and says, "your biscuits are done" and all the firefighters start laughing.... What he had in his hand was not a biscuit, it was small, black, round, unidentifiable, hard as a rock, and resembled nothing of the buttery biscuits I had put into the microwave. My husband shows up just as the house is clearing of smoke, I am sitting on the stoop still crying, and the firefighter tells my husband what I had done... I had achieved revolutionized the hockey puck making industry. I had discovered a new, cheaper, and more environmentally friendly way of making hockey pucks. :/ Our house smelled of smoke for weeks. It took 3 years for me to work up the courage to try and make biscuits again. Thankfully, my husband didn't marry me for my cooking ability. Now I pose the question to all of you... What cooking disaster have you had? Please help me feel like I'm not the only person that had NO clue of how the kitchen actually works.