The Pain of Not Being a Mother

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Mother's Day is coming up here in the U.S. and I've been noticing posts floating around on social media asking those who celebrate to be "mindful" and "sensitive" toward those of us who don't. Because apparently, the pain of not being a mother is so overwhelming that those of us who are childless just can't bear the thought of this day being celebrated by those who it is intended for. True, I know that it can be difficult, even heartbreaking, to find out you can't have kids. I found this out myself just two months ago. And at times I grieve over this fact -- not because I don't have children and I really, really want to be a mom, but because the option to have biological children has been taken away. So, I guess I grieve for "what could have been." But "what could have been" isn't necessarily what I wanted to begin with. I think people nowadays lack coping skills. Even if you're heartbroken that you are unable to have kids, or if you lost a kid, or had your children taken away, that doesn't mean that mothers aren't allowed to celebrate. It seems like nowadays there's a mentality that "if I can't celebrate this holiday, nobody else can celebrate it, either." Since when did holidays need to come with trigger warnings? If I become upset knowing that other women are celebrating Mother's Day and I am not, that's my own problem, not their's. It's not on them to be "mindful" of my feelings and tone down their celebration because their happiness might hurt my feelings. I got an email today that was actually titled "The Pain of Not Being a Mother," and it was some sob story from an author trying to promote her books featuring characters struggling with infertility. The author kept stressing the horrendous pain and constant inner aching of women who are childless. On one hand I feel for this woman, but on the other hand I found myself thinking "why do people just assume that childless women are all grieving the fact that we're childless?" Even when I was growing up, my family acted like my childless aunt was so miserable and unhappy and alone, but she's the only woman in my family who got a Master's Degree, pursued her dream career, has lived independently and is successful at life. I have been told by many well-meaning people that if I don't have kids with my partner, that must mean he doesn't love me, that I can never truly be happy or know what love is unless I reproduce. When was it decided that my sole purpose in life was to breed? Why am I viewed as less-than and as some pain-filled, grieving wannabe-mama who has to adopt cats in place of having biological children? I'm not some empty husk of a woman because I am not a mother. And I don't need people to be mindful of my feelings on Mother's Day. If you're a mother and you celebrate the day, awesome! The day is meant for you. I will be celebrating it with my own mother. I'm not trying to be insensitive with my opinion, as I'm sure that there are many grieving women out there who find Mother's Day especially hard. But I also assume that they struggle during other times of the year, too. For me personally, Christmas is the time of year when I find myself feeling sad about not having kids. But I try not to dwell on it and don't expect families to not celebrate just because I'm feeling down. I donate to Toys for Tots instead. And I talk to my therapist about my feelings. I don't expect others to be mindful of them.