How comfortable would you feel discussing sex with a 12-year-old homeless boy?
By The Horse
@TheHorse (220408)
Walnut Creek, California
May 16, 2017 11:24am CST
One of my kid clients is a 12-year-old homeless boy who may have been sexually abused by an older boy when he was about ten.
My client is not "out on the streets." He has most recently been moving from church "tent city" to church tent city with his mom and three siblings. Before that, he lived in motels and a terrible homeless shelter.
He has a foul mouth, and recently has been blasting "f*gs" and "h*mos" in his little tirades. I explained to him that being gay is no better or worse than being straight, and that my best friend from College is a gay male.
But I know that he's really processing what happened to him. He's worried that he's gay, but wants to be straight. His talk about heterosexual sex reflects his environment. He uses words like "p*ssy," "t*tties" and "b*tch" that he's heard from rap music, and from his friends, but I'm pretty sure he's never encountered a real live vagina or breast.
I've talked to him some about what sexuality is like when you're 12, and painted a picture of nervously watching a movie together, hoping she'll let you hold her hand. He could relate to that and said it made him nervous but excited.
I also challenged him, saying "I think you're down on homosexuals right now because some older boy shook his pee pee at you or something." That was my way of broaching the subject of his abuse without being too invasive. He actually said, "Yeah, that may be it."
On our outing yesterday, I bought the kid some socks at Target. He needed socks. Then we went to Guitar Center, and he fell in love with the steel drum, the one that has different notes on it.
I'm hoping this kid will open up more about what happened, so I can assure him it's not his fault. And I'm hoping that I can paint a picture of real puppy love for him, so he can look forward to it without too much anxiety (one of his presenting symptoms). It's not really like what you hear in rap songs, But he doesn't know that yet.
How comfortable would you feel discussing sexuality with a young kid? Would you handle it differently than I have so far?
11 people like this
10 responses
@thislittlepennyearns (62947)
• Defuniak Springs, Florida
16 May 17
He is a product of his enviroment, and i;m not saying that to bash how he has been raised or how he is living. But if all he hears about love is the sexualized versions of music etc, then thats what he has to go by. I am assumiing since it is just him his siblings and his mom, that he hasn't had a dad in his life in a long time, and that may effect his perception on love as well.
i commend you for trying to help him, and hope that you are able to ge through to him. You are handling it very well!
3 people like this
@purplealabaster (22091)
• United States
17 May 17
Obviously you are doing a great job.
Yes, I would feel comfortable talking about sexuality with a young child as I have had two children and two step-children, so it is a normal, natural thing to do. I know it is a "cultural" thing, but I would not put up with the slang names, though. If you are old enough to talk about them, then you are old enough to call them by their proper names. I also think this helps to set a better stage and puts the talk in a more positive light, but that could just be my perception of it. The slang names are often derogatory and tend to objectify women. By using the proper names it not only educates the child but also puts it in a different narrative that you can use to help make it an equal and positive experience.
1 person likes this
@purplealabaster (22091)
• United States
18 May 17
@TheHorse Oh yeah, I am sure it is just as exciting and nerve-wracking and cause for self-doubt for boys as it is for girls. He needs to understand that the things portrayed in those songs are not "normal", and they do not happen (for the most part) in real life. I think that parents these days do not talk enough (or at all) with their children about these things, so children only learn what the media tells them, which leads to A LOT of problems.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (220408)
• Walnut Creek, California
18 May 17
@purplealabaster I agree. The current state of the "music" world is a part of why I try to teach kids to PLAY music.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (220408)
• Walnut Creek, California
17 May 17
Yep, that's what I'm trying to do. I actually explain to him that he will listen to what he listens to, but I will not listen to music that calls women "b*tches" and romance "p*ssy." I then try to explain what early romance is really like, both the nervousness and the excitement of holding someone's hand--stuff like that.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
16 May 17
Not at all comfortable talking about it to any child and especially not when I don't have the right training to deal with such kids. I would be too worried causing more harm than good.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (220408)
• Walnut Creek, California
16 May 17
Heh. I guess my training helps. Plus I get to consult with my supervisor, my clinical supervisor, and the child's Case Manager. Where has Vanny disappeared to? Is she OK? I thought we were working on another "project" together!
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (220408)
• Walnut Creek, California
16 May 17
@Daljinder I am worried about her. She was sick. Then she had family issues. I hope she's OK.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
16 May 17
@TheHorse No idea! She isn't replying back to email. I sent her a revised version on an email couple of days ago and havent heard the reply yet.
I just checked my email again nope still nothing!
1 person likes this
@blitzfrick (2890)
• United States
16 May 17
I'm not sure how I'd feel about it these days, even though in one of my former lives I worked at Planned Parenthood, in the education department. Attitudes have changed so much, and society has really changed a lot since years ago. It never bothered me back then (early '70s), but now? I just don't know.
It sounds to me like you're doing just the right thing. It's good he has a male figure in his life that he feels comfortable expressing himself to.
1 person likes this
@JamesHxstatic (29413)
• Eugene, Oregon
17 May 17
With your training and good instincts, you may be the ideal person for the job. That kid has a rough way to go. I hope that you make some headway with him.
1 person likes this
@teamfreak16 (43418)
• Denver, Colorado
17 May 17
I would not be comfortable at all, but it sounds like you handled it right.
1 person likes this
