First love

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I was always a very introverted child, and being plagued by anxiety made a bit of a recluse of me. I could hardly bring myself to step out to make friends, and always felt people thought the worst of me. It blinded me to any flirting. In sixth grade two girls, friends who had pulled me in, decided to set me up with a guy friend in a couple classes with me. He was almost as introverted as me, awkward though I don't recall seeing the signs of anxiety. We started dating purely because they said we would make a good couple, and because neither of us had any specific reason to say no. We ended up dating for around five years, and we were voted cutest couple of our 8th grade year. I hadn't realized that many people knew who I was, so it was strangely nice to get the award though our relationship was hardly more than a friendship. See, we were cute precisely because we fit all the cutesy roles. We both thought this was what it was supposed to be, so we held hands and went to dinners and movies, and I watched anime or watched him play video games at his house (not because I wouldn't be allowed to play, but because anxiety in me meant I preferred to watch). We did cheek and lip kisses, never tongue, and somewhere down the line I realized it was because I would never have been comfortable with more. I did some real soul-searching in myself once I began to realize that we really were just friends, and that the rest of the behavior was because it was expected. I analyzed my own reactions. I realized I had never really considered anyone sexy. No men, no women, no one at all. I'd never had a romantic crush, and I had no turn-ons. I wasn't actually excited about kissing, and couldn't understand the point. I certainly wasn't interested in wiping tongues with anybody. I never even had a celebrity crush. I called him over to talk, and I explained myself. In detail, over all my fear and anxiety (and I think it says a lot about our friendship that I felt safe in doing that in person). I explained my feelings, and my realizations about myself. He told me he had noticed, and that he'd never moved to add tongue or for undressing specifically because he knew I wasn't ready for it. He'd wanted to, but he'd considered my feelings. Frankly, it made me feel bad. I couldn't feel for him what he'd felt for me, and he had been so considerate. I also knew it'd been a bit to long to think I was just blooming late. We agreed to stop dating and just be friends, which changed little. Just no more pretending to the role. We were going to different schools, and then I moved out of state later on. We lost touch for a while, and I later had a guy try to sneak a tongue kiss into hanging out with me (first time we'd hung out, too) and I found myself laughing. I couldn't stop, even though I felt bad because I know that was rude. But it was ridiculous to me, that tongue. I didn't find it romantic, or scary, or anything but weird. How could anyone like this? Want this? The thought just made me laugh and laugh. This new guy tried again shortly after, but I didn't know him well enough to be comfortable with him. I did my explaining to him over text message later. He never spoke to me again, but that suited me well. There were never any dates, and no other lovers. I never grew to be interested. Facebook joined me up with my old ex after years of not speaking, and we've lunched and gone over things that have changed. It's a shame I don't care for romance, because he is still perfectly considerate. I look forward to the day I hear of a wedding announcement for him, because I've met sadly few people, of any gender, who have that much patience with their lovers. I'm 30 now, about to gain another year, and any doubts I might have had about my sexuality are gone. If not for his patience, I would undoubtedly have had a bad time of being cornered and pressured into things I'd have disliked, if not actual abuse of my person. I was well into high school before I learned how to say "no" to people, even for small things. I'm forever grateful, though I feel bad for taking what chances from him he might otherwise have had in that time. I don't know that I can ever repay something like that. I know I don't really have to, I do. But it'd be nice to be able to make that even somehow. Someday.