Do you feel insulted if somebody does not invite you?
By vanny
@vandana7 (100179)
India
September 16, 2017 2:10pm CST
I feel delighted nowadays.
I hate socializing to an excessive degree. In hostels, there was Christmas, and there was Mother Mary's feast, and there was January First and Easter. So there you are. Add to that my birthday. That many celebrations are good. Others birthdays are only for eating cakes and of course wishing them. But in general, nothing to wear good clothes, don make up and pretty myself.
When I landed in "normal" environment, without much normalcy in childhood, it became a function a day two visits per week minimum, either at our place or we visiting others. While networking is good, I am not comfortable with this much intrusion in my life. Even lazing or what you all call vegging is better than trying to find something to talk about when you meet same people so often.
So my unmarried status is in fact a blessing in disguise because that makes me an outcast for most of the functions.
That said, when my neighbor's mother in law invites my house help but does not invite me, it feels ridicule because I have been like an aunt to her grand children.
Is married status so important to get social respect?
20 people like this
22 responses
@TiarasOceanView (70022)
• United States
16 Sep 17
So your maid (house help) is invited but you are not?
Yes that is rude Vanny isn´t it?
But you dont want to go to the function anyway right?
6 people like this
@vandana7 (100179)
• India
16 Sep 17
Yes, I do not want to go. I do not want to be sitting there, and getting bored, while they chant prayers. But hey, their kids are with me quite often. They used to be with me for almost 4 to 6 hours per day! I was like unpaid nanny...lol. I love babies, and they treat me like as if I am their family. So it was more of family member being told even the maid is socially more acceptable than you. They could have opted to invite other women. This one is too close to home kind.
4 people like this
@vandana7 (100179)
• India
16 Sep 17
@TiarasOceanView ..Yeah. That felt deliberate.
4 people like this
@TiarasOceanView (70022)
• United States
16 Sep 17
@vandana7 Yes I understand perfectly what you are saying Vanny....this one hurts because of your closeness to the kids.
5 people like this
@vandana7 (100179)
• India
18 Sep 17
I can't say it is not necessary. Today, I am here because of "social contacts". Because this person knew me, and wanted to sell some lot of land, on installment basis, she dropped in at our place, and suggested I buy it out. I did. Had she not known me, I would not have known that such a thing is possible. I would still be setting aside monies to buy a lot paying full sum while the high inflation here would have constantly made it beyond my reach. But when I keep in contact with such people, I also feel guilty. I feel I am using them.
1 person likes this
@Courtlynn (67085)
• United States
16 Sep 17
If its a family thing, yes. But otherwise no.
3 people like this
@vandana7 (100179)
• India
18 Sep 17
@Courtlynn .. I agree. :) It also depends upon the type of family we have, I suppose.
@andriaperry (116936)
• Anniston, Alabama
17 Sep 17
No I do not feel insulted, since I moved here 8 years ago I don`t do much socializing as in parties. This made twice I left behind an old life and began a new life, new friends and all. I don`t have much to do with my family, well not like I did. I actually was tired of being the social butterfly, having parties and going to parties.
Most children like me, I have no idea why but they do.
3 people like this
@vandana7 (100179)
• India
16 Sep 17
The new generation is more open to accepting us. Older generation feels we have bad eyes or whatever. So their children if they get sick or hurt, then it is because we were envious or whatever. So also if their husbands suffer any misfortune or whatever, it is because we did not wish them well. In general, the tendency is look down upon us.
3 people like this
@vandana7 (100179)
• India
18 Sep 17
@JustBhem .. I think they lack self confidence. LOL. I mean, they want to do that to me because they suffer with inferiority complex in my presence I suppose. And because they need to overcome that, they do something to upstage. I don't really know. I remember when the kiddo was young, he had a lot of problem eating. I was always carrying him around and helping him eat. Somebody from downstairs came and said you must be getting help from her. She likes your grandkids. This lady said no, I don't help right in front of me. Happens.
1 person likes this
@vainskie07 (22)
• Manila, Philippines
17 Sep 17
Nowadays, I rarely get invites anymore. Its because I dont go when invited. I'm just too busy folding blankets and watching tv. Nope, not offended even a bit!
2 people like this
@vandana7 (100179)
• India
17 Sep 17
I often think it is to insult or hurt me. They could call the lady into their house. Instead, she rings the bell. Requests me to call my maid, and then tells her right in front of me that there is a function tomorrow, come for it. Then smiles at me, and leaves, as if I have to accept the truth that I am not eligible to be invited for it. That eligibility criterion hurts.
I have had a woman invite me, for cradle ceremony. Total stranger to me. I was at a friend's place, and that friend is married. So they put the vermillion on face and invite. She asked me what my husband does. When I said I am not married, she immediately said, oh..then this function is not for you. I may be sensitive on this issue because of that.
Personally, I would not invite my neighbor's maid in front of her at least. I would show some sensitivity as a woman considering social customs. Another thing I would do is, opt to call ladies downstairs or neighbors. That way it does not seem as if I am humiliating the very person who has helped me with two of my grandchildren.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100179)
• India
18 Sep 17
@LadyDuck .. Sometimes it is so frustrating Anna. They are so environmentally conditioned that they do not realize it hurts. Height of insensitivity. They even call it as a joke! Remember that 42 year old guy who was pestering me to adopt him. He was educated! He should have been broad minded enough having moved in western social environment. At first he said I was saying that for your own good as if I can't think. Then he said you don't know how it is in old age. Sure he is older than 58 years old woman looking after 83 year old man and who has more than 25 years work experience. I will listen to your problems he said but when I asked did you read my comments out here, he said no. He added he was only joking! The nerve...that should be treated as a tort and such people who insult in this fashion, cleverly set their financial agenda's in motion and then try to back down should be punished!
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100179)
• India
18 Sep 17
Out here, periodically, we pray. Married women are considered blessed, especially if they have children. So anything they wish or blessings they confer are supposed to be good. Let us just say there is discrimination against unmarried, childless, and widows.
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (471201)
• Switzerland
18 Sep 17
@vandana7 I have noticed that in several countries not having children is considered a serious problem. People from the Philippines here asked me many times if I was sad because we had no children. I do not know how many times I have explained that we have no children because this was OUR OWN decision, if I wanted I could had children, we did not want them.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100179)
• India
18 Sep 17
Yeah...not that I would have gone. I would have found a way to avoid them. In seven odd years I have not been encroaching their space. Why would I do it suddenly? But calling MY house help in front of me, and not calling me was belittling me I felt.
1 person likes this
@kobesbuddy (78882)
• East Tawas, Michigan
16 Sep 17
Usually, if I don't get invited, I really don't care. Social gathering aren't my cup of tea!
2 people like this
@TheInvisibleMan (17597)
•
16 Sep 17
Depends on the person and depends on the type of invitation.
2 people like this
@YrNemo (20255)
•
17 Sep 17
My guess is, they invited your house help so that they could have free labor who would help out with other tasks at that gathering. Be glad that they didn't lump you into that category of 'free help'.
But then again, I know nothing about Indians, their classes and social expectations.
2 people like this
(think of that, and you will feel better.)
@vandana7 (100179)
• India
15 Oct 17
That is pretty honest. I have had a situation earlier. We lived in a small home. And dad got this job so he wanted to host a party. We couldn't afford to have a cook back then, so I had to do the cooking. I felt overwhelmed at the idea of having to cook for what 25 odd members at one go, so I'd requested dad that we break up the group into two so that I can manage. That hurt his sister because she felt she was treated different from her daughter in law. Her grandson asked me, why did I do that. I told him, where can I ask everybody to sit, and how can I cook for so many? I think he realized.
@ckyera (17331)
• Philippines
24 Sep 17
I don't think being married is important to get social respect, unless you are married to a man with a high status in the society? Just a thought.
If I am not invited in an occasion, I don't feel insulted but I feel sad when its a friend whom I expected to invite me ignores me. But most of the time I don't really mind.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100179)
• India
15 Oct 17
@yugocean .. No..it is a way to invite her for some puja which only married women attend. But she could have been invited in private. By doing it in front of me, she belittled me in front of the maid, and the maid got to have a smug smile. Call me sensitive or whatever, but I feel we Hindus are increasingly becoming less sensitive towards others feelings.
1 person likes this
@Letranknight2015 (51933)
• Philippines
15 Oct 17
Maybe it's better if you don't hang out with these people and start to live your life and mind your own business.
1 person likes this
@responsiveme (22926)
• India
24 Sep 17
Not at all...How silly can that be.
My hubby is an introvert while I like meeting friends but friends friends not large glittering parties....And those turn out ok only if some friends are around
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100179)
• India
15 Oct 17
I would be a misfit in their parties having no common friend other than them or kids. I would also not be up to mark as far as ritual stuff is concerned. As far as attire is concerned, my maid won't fare as well as me. But for some silly reason, I do feel invitation is called for. To attend or not attend is my prerogative.
1 person likes this
@dgobucks226 (35552)
•
17 Sep 17
I dislike large social functions where I know next to nobody. I don't chit chat well so these types of activities will make me a bit uncomfortable. I need to know someone to be more extroverted. I am a shy with strangers due to the unfamiliarity of meeting someone new.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100179)
• India
15 Oct 17
And I thought I am the only one who feels that way. When I am aloof, I am criticized, when I try over mingle, then I get criticized. I quite like people out here...they honestly tell how they feel, and make me feel as if I am not maladjusted person.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100179)
• India
15 Oct 17
@dgobucks226 .. Exactly...they are carrying this "man is a social being" thing way too far..lol
1 person likes this
@dgobucks226 (35552)
•
15 Oct 17
@vandana7 Oh thanks Vanny. Sometimes for some of us, being interesting or conversing can be a challenge. At times, it can be for me, everyone's personality is different. One should not be made to act in a way that is uncomfortable for them.
1 person likes this
