Thin (Journal#10)

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110...85...23... Slowly learning to count every single calorie. I study numbers, sugar levels, different types of bodies. This disease, as people call it, has become a part of me. It controls every aspect of my life from how I live, breathe, sleep, how little I eat. I'm not going to sugar coat it and I'm not going to apologize for who I am. People always try to make you look like the bad one, yet they never try to understand. They talk about me like I'm not normal, make me out to be someone mad. All I want is to like the way I look, but how can that possibly be bad? I might as well be honest, I haven't had proper food in weeks. I don't have any friends, and I barely get any sleep. I'm a walking and breathing zombie. I'm dead inside and only feel good about myself when I'm empty. I guess that's why I'm stuck in this office right now. I'm just another classic case study. At first it was exciting. I would lose weight so quickly, I remember feeling so good about myself that first week. No one understands and you're not here to help me, you're just here to judge. You're going to talk behind my back like everyone else and say, "Hey, look at that girl. She's so mentally messed up." It's never enough, is it? You just keep pushing yourself until one day you fall sick because you become attached to it. You feel trapped. This eating disorder is all you know, it's the one thing that has kept you going when you felt so alone. Every time I look at myself or eat I feel so ugly and out of control. I'm tired of everyone wanting to help me when they won't even take the time out to hear me. I'm wasting away as I watch everyone try to control me and worry about how they would feel if I died but no one tries to see how much pain I'm in just being alive. This is a disease, not a way of life. This was a very difficult piece to write because I have suffered with an eating disorder, and I still do from time to time. I've been recovered for 2 years but the damage it has on a person mentally takes its tole and it can last for a lifetime depending on who you are. It is a different feeling for everyone because everyone is different. I have faced my demons, (metaphorically), and now I use these experiences to write and help other people. It has been a while since I posted a Journal entry on here and I was asked to do this one so I thought it was a very good idea. Thank you for taking the time to read, and I hope you enjoyed!