So Close, but So Far Away

Tweet

(Obsession cont.) I felt close to him. We didn't hang out after work, or see each other with friends, but there were little subtleties that we shared. His mask was hard and calculating. Beneath mine, I felt the same. He saw beauty in a burning world, and thought in time, he could save it. With every conversation an idea is spread, and after so much time even the smallest thought could change the world.. I saw beauty in the flames; an angel with broken wings, who burned like a moth and couldn't get out. We fell asleep in the smoke of it, is all. I liked listening to him talk, because he always had something interesting to say. An experience in the war, a functional aspect of the world, an observation of human behavior... It didn't much bother me that he would say blunt, sexual comments to the girls he considered sl*tty. I was just glad he didn't think of me as a sl*t. He treated me with a kind of respect that they didn't get. Kalle says the first time he ever noticed me, we were at the hostess podium. I had a thing about personal space, something that irritated him to no end. When he came up to check the servers chart, he'd gotten just a little too close for comfort. I remember. I knew he was walking up to me. My chest swelled and I felt my body respond to the unwarranted fantasies he'd been centered in. With resolve, I told him that he was 'in my bubble'. "Honey, you're in the wrong industry if your afraid of someone getting too close to you." F*cking idiot. There are a lot of things that he doesn't say, because of where he is. That was before the journal, before the music started winding up in our carnival. He didn't try to be nice about it. I liked that. Kalle is the kind of man that doesn't say something if it doesn't mean anything to him. He might lie, or exaggerate, but there are multitudes of complex chain reactions playing into what ends up being a very well justified excuse. Then his pride gets involved, and..well, thats not the point. Nice is something you do to save face. A lie you give off because you don't want to hurt someone else's feelings, or offend them. Kind, kindt, is to treat someone like family. To care for what happens to them, what influences them in a way that they actually grow. Back at the pizzeria, rolling silverware was a favorite of mine. A hostess was expected to roll silverware if she could find the free time, especially during a rush. 500 wraps can go quicker than you think, and by the end of some nights we would roll 500 more. I liked this because I could hide in the back, put in headphones, and watch the world work in the box we locked ourselves in for those few hours. Sometimes, a server might stop by and help me out. The only server I wanted next to me, though I worked with some very nice, well meaning people, was the Pig. Usually, he would just walk past me, and if a female were helping me to roll, and she didn't completely hate him, he would tickle her as he passed. I must have been far gone, because I remember wanting to feel his hands on me. Remember the 'weird sh*t and wigs' habit I mentioned before? I would actually wear corsets under my shirts back then, steel boned and sturdy. The day he finally snuck up behind me was one of the days I was wearing one. He poked my sides even more for my lack of response before working out what had happened. It was fairly clear at this point that Niel and I had nothing left to our relationship. I had no idea how to go about breaking up with him though. I had this friend at the pizzeria who would give me a ride home sometimes, who was in a similar predicament in his relationship. Ironically, her first name, was my middle. It had passed through my mind what it might be like with Joie, but in the end I didn't want to be so horrible as to add destroying someone else's relationship to my own. Besides, I lost interest when I saw that he came from a well off family. I don't like the implications of any relationship with a spiff, friendship or not. I had tried breaking up with Niel twice before. Both times had ended with arguments and threats of suicide that I was far too weak to stand up to. I didnt voice the extremes to anyone, only said that it had become difficult to stay with him. One guess as to who it would be to help me...find a solution. Not the best solution by any means, a very poor one actually. But I still don't regret it.. Give up? Kalle. Kalle would be the Begining and the End of my new life. My Alpha and Omega..