Teenagers
By Colene
@cpefley (1926)
San Jose, California
January 10, 2018 2:28am CST
My 17 year old daughter is perfect...on the surface. She's beautiful, has a 4.66 GPA and scored in the top 1% on her ACT and SAT. She is a Thespian and involved with many other extra curricular programs. She is a writer and an artist, and has applied to many elite universities. She wants to major in comparative literature. Sounds perfect, right?
I love her dearly. She was my only daughter (although I had 3 boys) for 12 years. Then, she had a little sister. Five years later, she got another little sister, whom she adores. She is absolutely horrible to her 5 year old sister (the middle daughter). My 5 yo loves her big sister so much. She will try to send her messages and video chat with her, and my older daughter blocked her without replying to a single message. My 5 year old is heartbroken. What's worse is when I asked her why, she said that she was too busy and doesn't like her sister, so why bother pretending. It hurts.
My 17 yo daughter is living with her friend for the time being because things have been rough and we are staying in a small area with my mother. I have my three youngest kids who are 10 (boy), 5 (girl) and 1 (girl). We are looking for a bigger place, but my health has declined very quickly, and honestly, I don't know how long I will be around. I spend most days at one doctor or another. I feel like she hates me for being sick.
I don't want to die thinking the my older daughter won't love her little sister and be good to her.
My 17 year old daughter constantly texts me the most horrible things and tells me how much she hates me and wishes I would give up custody of her. In an essay question on her Stanford application it asked if she could visit any time period in history, when would it be? She said that she would go back to when I was younger and convince me not to have her. How horrible is that? I have spent 17 1/2 years raising this girl into a woman, and I wish I could say I was proud of who she has become. She may be book smart and pretty, but her heart is cold and full of hate.
Let me add that she was never abused by me or her father. I can't imagine putting more love into a child. From the day she was born, I lived for her. I know things weren't great. We were poor and moved a lot, but our family was always full of love and I spent as much time as I could with her. I can't help that that isn't what she wanted. She is so selfish and it hurts to see her treat her family like we mean nothing to her.
My heart hurts and I'm crying...but I know that she will soon be a woman and I have many more children to worry about and protect. I would still do anything for her, but I don't think I can take much more of this abuse from her. I'm tired of hearing how much she despises me and wishes I would die already. l guess I am lucky all of my children aren't like that.
14 people like this
18 responses
@WorDazza (15830)
• Manchester, England
10 Jan 18
My heart goes out to you. What an awful situation!
The temptation, in these situations, is to blame yourself. Wonder what you did wrong to make your daughter behave in this way. This is not your fault.
Don't take this the wrong way but maybe she is ashamed of her upbringing and her family. You say she is applying to elite universities. Perhaps she is trying to distance herself from her background in order to present an image that she perceives will fit in at these places. If that's the case then she needs a massive kick up the backside and she needs to do an awful lot of growing up.
Instead of being ashamed of her upbringing she should be proud. Proud, that despite not being wealthy, her mother has given her the most important things in any child's upbringing. Time and love.
I can only hope that she grows up before she damages your relationship beyond the point of no return.
5 people like this
@cpefley (1926)
• San Jose, California
10 Jan 18
Thank you very much, and no, I didn't take that the wrong way. You have a point. I think she tells everyone how poor she was growing up so that people think she's so great for coming so far. I'm glad she is so academic, but she's just a mean person.
3 people like this
Very well said. I agree.@WorDazza (15830)
• Manchester, England
11 Jan 18
@cpefley Often young adults use mean and aggressive behaviour as a way of covering for their own perceived inadequacies. She probably isn't as self-confident as she'd like everyone to think!
Hopefully she will grow out of it. I just hope she doesn't completely destroy her relationships with you and her siblings before she does!
2 people like this
@nanette64 (20364)
• Fairfield, Texas
10 Jan 18
@WorDazza You're just brilliant and don't know it. 
3 people like this
@LadyDuck (472004)
• Switzerland
10 Jan 18
I am so sorry, I can barely imagine how horrible this situation is for you. You have nothing to blame to yourself. May be your girl is with someone who is influencing the was she thinks and she acts. My opinion is that she is jealous of her younger sisters, she hates you because you had other daughters, she wanted to be the only one.
2 people like this
@LadyDuck (472004)
• Switzerland
11 Jan 18
@cpefley It is possible she blames you because the friends she met had a better life. As you say, she can do it differently when she is a parent. You made your choice, she should respect your past decisions and move on. I hope things will get better in the future.
@cpefley (1926)
• San Jose, California
11 Jan 18
I'm sure. She goes to a really good school that she got into through a lottery. I made sure to do everything I could to get her in, but most of her friends are much better off than we are. Most are either only children, come from a small family, or have a lot of money. I think she thinks it is ok to try and humiliate me to make her feel better. That I could have had a better life if I didn't have so many kids. Well, my kids make me happy, and I don't regret having them. I have fought hard to keep them clothed, fed, and sheltered. If she didn't like the way I did it, then she can do it differently when she is a parent.
2 people like this
@1creekgirl (41692)
• United States
10 Jan 18
I'm really sorry for your heartbreak. She sounds very self-centered and spoiled. Hopefully she will mature and feel a little differently.
2 people like this
@JudyEv (341752)
• Rockingham, Australia
10 Jan 18
I really feel for you but this is not your fault. Would you be better off cutting ties with her? not cutting them so much but letting her go her own way. Maybe she would then come to her senses. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you when you are so ill. But please remember that this is in no way your fault. Don't take the blame on board.
3 people like this
@elize123 (14)
•
10 Jan 18
OMW!!!! I am crying right now. That is definitely no way to talk to ones mother.... I am going to be honest with you, i know that there might be readers out there that will not agree with me . You did an amazing job raising your daughter and she definitely has no respect for you. You need to focus on your younger kids and most importantly YOURSELF!!!!!!!! If she wants nothing to do with you its going to be her lost, you and your young kids have to move forward . Its not going to be easy but you have to think of your younger kids that needs their mommy. And one more thing if they see their big sister talks to mommy like that , they will think that its ok and later do the same. Please stop the abuse even if its your own child....
Hope you will get through this.
2 people like this
@cpefley (1926)
• San Jose, California
11 Jan 18
I know I was too lenient with them, but it hurt me to see them in pain, so I had a very hard time with discipline. My oldest 2 are not very nice, but my 15 year old is so sweet and kind to me. He helps me with everything and I couldn't ask for a better son. I know the older two will eventually go out to fend for themselves and realize how easy I made their lives. It hurts, but that is what I am trying to do, focusing on the others that need me. One day when the older two realize they need me, I think they will understand.
1 person likes this
@1hopefulman (45120)
• Canada
10 Jan 18
Sorry to hear that! Something is going wrong in her head and in her heart. She needs help. I hope she can get it.
1 person likes this
@1hopefulman (45120)
• Canada
11 Jan 18
@cpefley If I'm not mistaken, we remain legally responsible for our children till they turn 18 and we may have to keep this in mind. I had some challenges with my children (first marriage) and step-children (second marriage) but later they all turned out pretty good. So,there's always hope.
@cpefley (1926)
• San Jose, California
11 Jan 18
She went to a therapist and it didn't work out, but she really needs to find another one. I would do it for her, but I am so tired of hearing her tell me how pathetic I am and how she doesn't want me involved with her life. I think I need to let her fly and hopefully she will ask for help when she needs it.
1 person likes this
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
10 Jan 18
I am so so sorry. It does sound like she has a lot of built up hatred in her heart. She needs a lot of prayer!
Not only prayer but she needs to have compassion for others-she needs to learn that by seeing how BAD some people her age have things! She should be grateful to have her mom in her life at all-one that loves her!
1 person likes this
@cpefley (1926)
• San Jose, California
11 Jan 18
You would think. I don't know why she thinks it is ok to hate me so much when I've never done anything to intentionally hurt her. Everything I do is for my kids, and it hurts when they act pretentious and condescending. I hope she grows out of it.
1 person likes this
@121266lulu (350)
• China
10 Jan 18
Why she treats you like that. I feel so sorry for you. Luckily,other kids love you.
2 people like this
@misunderstood_zombie (8142)
• United States
10 Jan 18
I'm sorry that you're going through so much at once. Please don't despair, the person she is now is not the person she will become. She just doesn't get it yet, but she will--I was a lot like that, and I turned into a completely different person.
2 people like this
@gaianoor (1117)
• Tirana, Albania
11 Jan 18
@cpefley maybe you were just to kind with her. Parents always wanna give a better life to their kids, better than they have but kids should know that life it`s not that easy. Hope you will solve this soon and that your daughter understands the mistake she is doing.
@khagendra1994 (1226)
• Kathmandu, Nepal
10 Jan 18
such painful situation,and hope all is well
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (160883)
• United States
11 Jan 18
Often there is no telling what causes these behaviors, but if this is how she is in life she will soon find it backfiring on her when people outside her family learn her personality.
I would address the issue of the five year old. She needs interests closer to her own age to give her balance. I thought my sister (older by 9 years) was wonderful, but there were things I "learned" from her that I have had to outgrow. Look for a way to find a positive roll model for her, like the Big Brothers/Big Sisters organization. It is sad your older daughter is so unhappy, and perhaps is scared but acting out.
@Namelesss (3365)
• United States
10 Jan 18
Raising kids is tough and you don't always get what you think you should from them. You did not raise her to be your everything did you? Hopefully you raised her to find herself and make her own happiness. If you did that then this current phase will likely pass in time and you will find the daughter you thought you had all along.
1 person likes this
@stapllotik (1933)
• India
11 Jan 18
You are a super mom of 4 children. It's not easy to take care of four children. At this moment what I feel is take help of a counsellor. Present him to your daughter as your family friend. Dialogue is very important to save a situation like this. My prayers !
@Mshafeeq (1445)
• Bangalore, India
18 Jan 18
I feel sorry for your daughter who is so mean she is successful in life because of parents supports. One day she will regret and will come to you Mark my words. She will come to know how rude it is to disrespect her parents. Almighty will never accept this. May Almighty guide her.
