Limits to being nice

That is good. Sometimes people need to be put in their place.

@hereandthere When they push it, it is definitely definitely irritating and time to say no.

@vandana7 another fish seller comes to us daily. if i only want 1/4 of a kilo, she's okay with it. if i buy nothing, she doesn't push it.

I believe rudeness is a way of perception. Sometimes a simple no goes down as rude, even without using wrong words. Standing up for self has become synonymous as being rude in the eyes of some people who want to get their way all the time. So what constitutes as rudeness differs in the eyes of different people. What matters there is, stand up for yourself, do not let others walk all over you.

Saying No itself is often not adequate. They continue to intrude and some people presume you have some needs, which we don't. Salesperson attitude. It becomes necessary to be rude. Here is one example. Two years ago, this MBA student arrived at my place, donate for xyz organization. I had donated to the same organization in March that year, and this guy came along with a girl to my place in April. Now, I have worked in auditor's office, and I know how this NGO business goes on. They come to your place collect the sum, 24 percent of that is pocketed by the middlemen..yeah..you got it. 24 percent! They buy the list from the organization and go around collecting the checks, which to me seems easy money. These services are to be taken for roping in new donors, not approach existing donors. I politely explained that since they'd come in April, which is disgustingly hot month out here, I will give it this time, but my logic is this so next time neither they nor anybody else from the same organization should approach me. I will personally go to the orphanage, meet my ward, and check if he is being treated well. They nodded. Had a visit from another set of MBA students in May, June, August, November, till I sent a stinker to the organization saying...PLEASE STOP. I am not going to donate denying me food. One year they stopped. This year it is the same story and the same boy to whom I had explained why I am not ok with them approaching existing donors. The nerve! I said I will go in person and shut the door without giving him a chance to utter anything.

@vandana7 But that is a situation where we have to be rude.I think I would have said NO the second time around itself. I am surprised you endured this this long.

@silvermist I have started snapping nowadays, and realize that it is because of this irritation and similar things. We have ICICI guys calling, we have Indiainfo guys calling, and then HDFC life and a host of other people calling us. Then if we add charities to the list, they are making us miserable for doing charity...irritating to say the least. I sent a stinker and it worked one year.

The point is, are you comfortable or uncomfortable with the idea. If you are comfortable, there is nothing lost. If you are not, you need to be assertive - dare to be the bad girl.

@vandana7 I WAS comfortable in the past, no more now after noticing how selfish the other members of my family are. I have to start to be a bad girl.

@LadyDuck Time does not matter. When you start feeling uncomfortable, you need to stand up for you.

Invariably there is anger and hatred at the end of it. But then we also know on which side the truth is. That should be the consoling factor. As I see it, I will be unhappy either way. By letting me being walked over, others will be encouraged to do so. I would be setting me up for more unhappiness and reacting in future while not reacting now will make it personal enmity with another. Right now health is with me, I can withstand the stress of this decision, in future there might be too much for me to withstand. Now is when I need to act saving me botheration in future. Agreed we will be bad in eyes of some. But most of them who look at us like that would be bad apples. So we are actually spared more serious problems if we show we can stand up for us.

@stapllotik Absolutely. But it needs to be addressed no matter what. It is merely choice between quantum of unhappiness. Obviously, nobody wants to be unhappy forever.

@vandana7 Right. And it is difficult when there is a situation with near and dear ones.

The situation is different I think. Situation you are saying A asks, B opines...opinion is honest but interpreted as rude. A has no ulterior motive. B will not be at a loss or discomfort while opining. Situation we are saying is A forces B to do say something ...forces...with a view to gain monetarily, physically, or emotionally. There is an ulterior motive in which B is uncomfortable...is unable to decide whether it would be right wot say stop or not, and if so, how. So B wants the situation to stop! Whereas in the first situation, B is indifferent to the situation. As to your honesty, always be honest. But make it gentle. Do not offer too glorious compliments at times ..here are some examples that I could suggest. A asks B how am I looking...hmmm let me see...isn't this the dress you wore the other day? A ...what..you don't even notice my clothes? No...this resembles that dress which does not compliment you much. A - You mean this does not suit me? B - Sigh...I am glad it does not. I won't have to fear somebody will steal you from me. A asks B how am I looking...hmmm...B: Ok. A...Just Ok? ..B. ..O followed by K A and Y. Something like that. You all should observe other elders with long standing marriages. Humor gets the truth across very neatly.

@AJRementer Sales pitch ..you have the right to be rude. I am rude too.

@vandana7 ... My response was based on the statement she made in the early part of the video about saying what she thought others wanted to hear. Invariably, this is where our available responses go wrong. In either scenario and pretty much any other one you could come up with, we start to back ourselves in a corner when we don't respond truthfully and instead make the response that we see as easiest in that given situation. I have been told I am rude when the salesperson comes to the door but the truth is ... I am not interested in hearing their sales pitch and I say exactly that. I tell them to have a nice day and good bye. But I make it clear, I am not interested in buying whatever it is they are selling. This can be very challenging when entering an arena we are not familiar or comfortable in ... like buying a car, mortgage banking, insurance, etc. I have no problem being honest with myself and clearly telling the other person, I am not following, we need to go back and talk about this again. And yes ... humor works well in this situations. It is easier to place blame on myself and lack of intelligence when asking some one to further explain to me insurance premiums and why I am going to be paying "X" for something I barely understand. But always speak up for yourself or you might end up being the one who is paying more ways than you can imagine.

Exactly. We do need to stand up for ourselves. It is injustice to ourselves otherwise. No god said let others walk over you - be nice to that extent.

@vandana7 My philosophy is that I will be respectful and kind to those who are respectful and kind to me in turn. I do not believe in turning the other cheek, however. If someone treats me badly, I will not tolerate it. I will treat them as they treat me.

Same here, except I can't be son so I am daughter ..lol

Not really. It is like this. A box of marble. 30 are white, 30 are black, and 30 are gray. We can manage with white and gray but blacks trouble us. Shake them up, identifying yourself as a marble. You will realize that you are surrounded randomly by people not of your choice. Your luck whether they are blacks and grays or whites. You can shake them up again. No problem, till you find whites. But do not, I repeat do not put up with the black marbles.

@vandana7 ok.. Mam I always keep you words on my mind and make it sure as you have stated..