Fathers, Where are yall at?

@PringlePop Yeah, that just clarifies the impression that I got from the initial discussion--he's aptly described by a number of words myLot frowns upon. While it makes sense that he would say that you can't maintain a relationship with your sister if you don't have one with him--it's something we say a lot on a couple other boards I'm on, no relationship with the parent = no relationship with the child--it seems kind of absurdly controlling. Especially in conjunction with the comment about taking legal action if you were to contact her at that one point... that's like swatting a fly with a freaking nuke. It says a lot that he's always making you come to him, never putting out the effort himself. I've dealt with the parents-not-approving-of-partner thing, too... it really doesn't get any better. You're totally right to not want to leave your SO behind, or make him drive with you and then immediately turn around. It's definitely super rude. I find it really weird that he wants you to spend a week there, and that he actually wanted you to move in at one point. It's hard to explain why that doesn't sit right, but it just doesn't jive with the impression I have from your posts. Anyway, your sister's 13 now, right? I'd probably maintain some contact every few months for her sake, especially if you enjoy the relationship. It's only going to be 4-5 years until she's a legal adult, and once she can make those decisions for herself that'll open up the possibility of phasing out the relationship with your dad if that's what you want to do. When offers like the one to stay a week there (minus SO) come up, just decline by saying it doesn't work for you, offer up an alternative like dinner at a local restaurant if you want, or maybe just make it a quick 1-2 hour visit instead. If you want a few different perspectives, can I suggest heading over to this site and posting there, too? That's one of the boards I mentioned earlier--don't let the domain name scare you, non-parents are just as welcome there! This particular board sees a lot of family issues like yours, and some of the regular posters there might be able to offer a bit better insight on the dynamics in play, or some suggestions on how to proceed with the paternity testing or maintaining a relationship with your sister.

@yukimori I agree it does say a lot him never making a real effort! I've always seen this but choose to be blind because I so badly wanted a relationship and parts of me just don't hold on for my sister, it's also for myself because like no joke I don't wanna feel like I wasted all my life searching for someone who didn't want me. The only info my mom ever kept from me was the abortion part so when my dad told me that I nearly freaked because that had never been a thought in my head! On some levels both my parents are controlling but yes my dad takes it to a whole new level, I've said to him before that I think it's really weird that he would wanna hurt my sister with cutting me off but I understand why, I totally get that but he is very quick to tie me under the bus if it comes to her and in some ways I do get a little jealous and not of her but just the situation. Every time I go over there I see the guy with the daughter he wanted and I think to myself why wasn't I that way but then he likes to tell me that with him and my mom it was either all or nothing. They refused to share only one or the other could have me but I get confused because how he can say that when he also wanted my mom to abort me. My sister will be turning 15 in April, She is getting quite big and into that teenage phase alright so I am currently giving her space. I will go to her every now and again and ask to Skype and when she needs me via text or Skype I always try to make sure I am there because I'm one of the few people she's willing to vent to and I wanna be a good sister to her. As far as my SO we both have parent issues, he doesn't care for my parents and his parents have never liked me from the start so this is nothing new and a stress we are use to dealing with sadly! I just find it really odd he will just flat out say he doesn't want my SO with me and never give me a reason why. It feels deeper than just some dad thing if that make sense and I think because I've never had the real relationship with my dad it borderline comes off as creepy to me. For a while when I was first starting out with my dad he was big into affection and I have never been that kinda person unless it was with my SO, I was 23 when my dad first tried to cuddle me and kiss me and I found it extremely odd but I was so determined not to mess anything up that I just let him go with it even though I am not a fan of being touched to begin with. Thank you for the suggestion on the website! I think I will post there as well to get some extra eyes! Your words have been truly helpful.

Thank you for the input, This was very helpful, as I'm sure anyone knows that I am this child! I totally agree but I wanted opinions from someone who doesn't know me per say and can kinda look at the situation from the outside, I mean I can't post every detail because it would go on forever but it's nice to have an outside opinion to help me in my decision. To be quite honest the only reason I even keep contact with him is for my half sibling, She's young and has become attached to me on may levels and My dad told me that if I cut off all ties with him then he would make sure I could not see my sister. During the backlash of a fight from him diving way to hard into the relationship when I wasn't totally ready, He made it seem like I didn't want to talk to my sister and told me if I contacted her while they were fighting he would take legal action against me so I stayed true to his wishes despite it breaking my heart because even though I have only known of my sister for 3 years now I have also become attached. When I had the chance to talk to her again and she found out what rules my dad had set in place she cried her heart out because being 13 and having those emotions of rejection can kill you, I told her that I did want to talk to her but unlike my father I understood how to respect someone's wishes so I did not cause more turmoil. My father wanted me to move in and for a while I was totally game but apart of me couldn't do it because it meant leaving my mother who choose to keep me and raise me despite the hardships it came with. I have tried therapy before and they have helped a lot! In total agreement that a relationship with my father should not be wanted at this point because all his actions point towards him never wanting me and it's rare people change especially after 26 years. My dad constantly tells me I have every right to hate him and hold resentment for him and his biggest regret will always be never manning up but inside my heart I know he doesn't mean this and that was another thing that turned me away. Even when reaching out to him trying to create a relationship I had to constantly go 2 to 3 hours out of my way to see him, He has health issues but there was one weekend I couldn't make it up so he had a friend pick me up, I also too have some health issues that make the trip quite rough. I always have to call him first and he always wants me to use any time I have up there with my sister, being with my sister I don't mind but most of the time now when I go up which is about once every few months now I bring my SO with me to make the trip less comfortable and my dad has a complex about my SO and wants him gone. It's pretty clear. My SO isn't super fond of my dad and it's always awkward trying to find the balance of not leaving my SO alone for hours uncomfortable while trying to get girl time with my sister. He has recently asked me to come stay for a week without my SO and also invited me to dinner and doesn't want my SO there and I told him I'm not okay with that because I am a package deal and I also refuse to make my SO drive 2 hours there just to leave and drive another 2 hours back just to have to come back in 2 days to do it again. It's not fair and I consider it quite rude. So more and more as time passes and situations happen I tell myself I feel like I wasted 22 years of my life chasing someone who never wanted me from the start and it's time to let go! Side note! Thank you for the clear up on the DNA testing, I was actually told by a testing center near us that you need both father and mothers DNA for a more clear result. Apart of me also really wants to still do this test because my father also claims my mother cheated on him in college and got pregnant on purpose but it's his story against hers.

Oh okay so this is your life and what you went through

@shaggin Yeah! No need for the sad face! I kinda already have my mind set on what I'd like to do it's just getting outside opinions to make sure I am not totally messing up!

It's totally complicated but I totally agree! If a baby happens it's not the parents to say hey I don't wanna share, either you have her or I do. It should have been a joint effort which was attempted on my moms part but my dad stopped trying. He claims he saw me once when I was 7 but I have no recollection of this.

Not really a surprise but more moving on from wasting almost all the child's life trying to search for someone who clearly never wanted the child. Outside opinion's can totally help reinforce moving on for sure.

@PringlePop - its like this, he was never there in the past, not there in the present, so how different is that looking for the future? the same, he aint going to be there. he never developed a sense of responsibility for the child.

@Plethos I totally agree and understand what you're saying!

@PringlePop see you know the solution. Get up and get going. Good luck.

No need to apologize! I totally understand what you're saying. I don't think legal action is needed. Would probably cause more harm then it's worth

Oh trust me, I have tried to get him to have an adult conversation and lay it out there but he never does or always leaves me hanging, The one time I tried really hard he pushed me away and then when I was too overwhelmed at that point. He still to this day holds back, Before when I tried to fix things he wanted to take it slow but now I get a call asking about video games every few months. From my view it doesn't seem like he wants a "new path". I've asked many times and I never get a real answer.

@LiquidLuke I see what your saying but let me ask you this, If all I've done is leave bread crumbs my entire life and he's never bothered to catch up should I keep leaving those breadcrumbs? At some point I have to do what he says he is doing which is living his life and not trying to dwell in the past. I totally understand he didn't want me and it was always naive of me to push and push when in reality I knew. At some point it can't just be me trying which is what is has been the past 26 years.

@PringlePop then all you can do is either be distraught or accept that it's really in his court to want to engage. I say you recognise that as i think you have and then simply treat it like your waiting for him to catch up and leave him bread crumbs to find his way so that the path is not one of resistance but of love and compassion. It's a lot for you to do but if you want to make it happen it sounds like it will be up to you to make it happen lol