On the outside looking in?

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I'm just trying to feel something right now. It's really tough because I've become a "non-person". I don't have a home any more, just a huge pile of twisted metal and charred ruins. I have the bare minimum!m in clothing because I am living under someone else's roof. I got up this morning and looked around and the place is a monument to his deceased wife, his daughter and her dogs! I feel about as welcome as a zit on prom night. I finally asked if I could hang up my cat calendar (he has 2 calendars his daughter made with pictures of her dogs through the whole year PLUS smaller pictures of the dogs on holidays and important dates) he said yes, where ever I could find room. As I said before, I'm sharing a room with his deceased wife. Don't get me wrong, I liked his wife, but she's been gone seventeen years. Somehow it doesn't feel right living each day viewing shrines to people who are gone. It adds to the feeling of being a non-person. I got called into work today. I figure the money from work as my fun money to spend as I please. I found a piece of fabric which will be perfect for a Hawaiian dressed bear, a wind up toy bear that made me smile which is something I really needed today, and a neat collectable motorcycle pin for Bill. As I was paying for the items my boss made comment about my squandering my money. (Thanks for adding to my feeling of being a non person!). I explained why I was buying the items...like I really should need to!?! I'm just feeling the loss. I miss coming home to my fur babies, having them in my lap, purring their hellos. I miss my bed, my home,my studio. I tie dyed the thread for the bear noses an was told that it made too big a mess on Bill's deck and I'd have to do it somewhere else. I know he is irritated at the mess that is in "his" living room from my working on the bears. I'm going to try to make room in his wife's room for working on the bears. That way there isn't a mess in "his" living room caused by this non-person. I get up in the morning before him and when I had my own home I turned on the T.V. when I got up. Now I wait three hours so the house is quiet for him. When the television is on it is tuned to either "Gunsmoke" or "Barney Miller", neither of which I care much for. This all cruised through my mind tonight on the ride home. It struck me that I was a non-person on the outside looking in, wishing for her home and her life back! I hoped with all my heart that we would come to where my house was and it would be there again, that everything was as it had been before...but it wasn't. I'm still a non-person, hoping one day to get the news that at least I won't be on the outside looking in, and I can have fur babies again.