When depression hits...

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When depression hits, you don't necessarily know why or what triggered it. Within the last year I have dealt with a lot of loss. I lost two dogs, a best friend, two grandparents and even had a miscarriage. Losing my grandma that I've been a caregiver for over 6 years really seemed to hit me hard, or did it? Maybe it just pulled back a couple of layers so another reason could come to light. I loved my grandma and always will but for me, it was her time. I have been by her side for so many bad accidents, illnesses and injuries over the years that I know she couldn't take anymore if she had to. She was a fighter when it came to being sick or down. We had a bond that I would be jealous of if we didn't have it. But her death being the reason of my depression? Ok, maybe a little but it's still not the big picture that is making me depressed. My grandma and I use to talk about what I was going to do after she passes away. I know for some, that would be a little morbid but she liked knowing what I was planning. She wanted me to live life to the fullest after she passed away. One thing I always talked about was finding the one, settling down and having kids. Well, before she passed away I started seeing this guy. He makes me happy and he has two kids, a girl and a boy. I think her seeing me with them put her at ease but I've been keeping some events from her as well as my parents. Last July, I not only found out that I was pregnant, but I only found out because I had a miscarriage. Talk about ups and downs! I have always been told that I wouldn't ever be able to conceive, let alone have a baby. I have a condition that I won't go into details about so I don't go off track or lose the male readers if I haven't already. The doctor pretty much said that everything I was told in the past wasn't correct. I could very well get pregnant and if I caught it in time, I could start these hormone pills that would keep me from having a miscarriage. Good news right? Wrong. The man I love doesn't want anymore kids and makes it very well known that he's happy with his two. He acted excited when I found out that I could get pregnant but he keeps making comments about how he's glad he only has two. He's told me that if it happens he would be happy and if he does have another kid he would want it to be with me, but I know it's a lie. Here I thought that after my grandma passed away I could focus on doing everything I told her I would and starting a family was the top of my list. Don't get me wrong. I love his kids to death. It's just that being around them, I wasn't around for the early years. I want to be able to feel that excitement of the first time holding a newborn baby that is mine. I want those long nights awake trying to stop it from crying. I want experience first steps and first words. Most of all, I want a part of me to live on after I die. So how do I break it to him that unless we have a baby, I might not ever truly be happy. We've known each other since middle school, with a few years here and there missing. We have so much in common, it's scary. The only thing we don't have in common is about having a baby. I feel like he's not telling me the truth to let me have my hopes up. Then if I do tell him that I don't think I could ever truly be happy without having a baby, does that mean we're over? I know it might be wrong on my end, but I just don't think I can be with him if he admits that he absolutely doesn't want anymore kids. I just feel like that's what I'm missing out on the most in life right now. I can't even go to babyshowers or be around babies without feeling like my heart has been stabbed a million times. Yesterday he even threatened to pack up and leave because in just got in a bad mood out of nowhere and started to cry uncontrollably for hours. I really feel like when I told him losing everything last year and emphasized the most on the miscarriage, that's when he threatened to leave the most. I have even been sleeping on the couch the last few days so I could cry myself to sleep without waking him up.