Anyone else a have a hard time dealing with the death of a loved one?.

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Back in 2011 I lost 2 cousins, one of them was more like a brother because he lived with my family for many years. My aunt and uncle divorced when their older sons were teenagers and their youngest was around 5 or 6. My two cousins that passed stayed with their mom (my aunt) and got to do pretty much anything they wanted to. About a year later she lost her home which was my great grandparents home.. moved to an apartment and after a few months couldn't afford that. So the boys went to their father's home their grandparents also lived there. They didn't like rules so my aunt showed up at our house with them and begged my dad to take them in. My dad couldn't see his sister and her kids homeless so he took them in. My aunt stayed long enough to steal some stuff and took off, my cousins stayed. The oldest boy ended up leaving a month or so later not liking my parents rules. The middle boy stayed for a few years and did real good. He was the same age as my brother so him seeing my brother following the rules he did also and his life improved so much he ended up moving out after he was 21 he moved in with his then girlfriend. My oldest cousin got married and was in and out of jail following his mother around. He would visit us and we were very close from when I was little, he always took good care of me. So fast forward to 2011 the boys, oldest boys wife their mother and youngest brother shared an apartment. Things seemed to be going alright the family seemed to reconnect but my oldest cousin was diagnosed bipolar. And he used illegal drugs to self Medicate. The middle boy was secretly hiding he was an acholic. The summer of 2011 my dad got a phone call around midnight and came running downstairs to where my mom and I were watching a movie and said he got a phone call from the youngest saying the oldest shot himself in the head. My heart immediately dropped, I had a bad feeling the whole day and instantly knew why. My parents rushed to the apartment and from what they explained he went to the neighbors apartment and used the neighbors gun to do it. My other 2 cousins that were there were a complete mess they lost their older brother, my aunt was a mess also. Here's what I can't get over, he had a friend who suddenly died at their fishing spot knowing my cousin if he wanted to do what he did he would have done it there. He had just got approved for disability due to his bipolar and he had plans. He would have never did that where his youngest brother also has bad issues would have seen him, NEVER. The guy whose apartment it was cleaned the gun BEFORE the cops came there was no gun residue on my cousins dominate hand but there was on his left hand. Also the family was able to stay in their apartment and clean it out the next morning. My other cousin after his brothers passing couldn't get himself together. His drinking got worse his mother left his father went to stay and his father's sister went to get his father to rehab to get help. My dad yelled at my cousin to get help my grandmother went everyday to check on him. The day he passed we had went to go pay on our lawaways because Christmas was coming. I get a text from my boyfriends sister asking what happened to my cousin? I called her and asked what she meant and apparently it was on Facebook that he died. I was like his brother died a few months ago people always get them confused it's fine.. well while were heading home we pass the apartment and in front was a cop car and ambulance. I looked at my mom and said go we drive to the back which is right where his door was and there's my grandmother sobbing so hard. Again my heart dropped my mom looked at me and all she said was call my dad who was working I called and my dad asked when and I said within the past 20 minutes. My cousin died of a heart attack and my dad felt like he was having one right before I called him at work. Our family was always very close and it's so hard each day without them. They were my best friends I didn't have many friends growing up, I was always alone but I had my siblings and my cousins. Anytime I was bullied in school I knew I just had to make it thru the day and I would be going home to have fun with my favorite people. This is long. Nobody will probably read it, I guess I just needed to get it out.