Boy did I goof!

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We went on our usual afternoon ride around the neighborhood, checking the neighbors houses for open doors and other irregularities and feeding the semi feral cats. It was a windy day and kind of cool which isn't normal for around here this time of the year.. It should be HOT, around 105 degrees, and there shouldn't be any wind. It's the kind of weather that I get the real fur coats and jackets ready for bear making. I draw out the bear patterns and then cut out the fabric for lining the fur and then glue the lining on to the back of the fur so that the pelts won't separate while I'm working with them. I plan to do that a little later this week. Anyhow, I asked Bill (my boyfriend) to stop by one of the neighbor's houses so I could ask them a question. I got my question asked and she asked me how I liked how their flooring in the study looked. They ripped out the carpet and laid tile that looked like wood flooring. I complimented them on how nice it looked and mentioned how I had torn the carpet out of my family room and put down tile before the fire burned down my house. The woman asked how things were going with my recovering financially from the fire and the power company that burned down the house. I told her that I was working on listing the things that were burned in the fire and that when the power company got the claim and the list they were going to have a cow when they read the list....that close to $30,000 was for mohair fur for making teddy bears alone. The woman about had a fit right then and there. I was informed that if I hadn't wasted all that money on mohair for making bears I could have bought home owners insurance and been in a new home by now. She went on that I not only wasted all the money on mohair for the bears but other crap for making teddy bears that I wouldn't recover in selling the bears and other animals that didn't amount to sh*t. I could have used that money to purchase home owners insurance to cover the house, contents, and even my car. I tried to explain that I have been a bear artist for the past 30 years and took many awards for my creations, but I didn't have much of a chance to get a word in edgewise. I did manage to say that I tried like crazy to find an insurance agent that would sell me insurance for the house and car but she, like another neighbor, didn't believe me when I said that. The neighbor next door to me lost his house too, and he had his place less than a month. He couldn't find an insurance agent that would sell him home owners insurance on his place either...because we aren't hooked up to the municipal water system (which means that we aren't hooked up to the water system that is in town and is a unlimited supply of water for fighting the fire). The municipal water system is 30 miles away and it is highly doubtful if we EVER would be connected to the system in my lifetime (or come to think of it my neighbor's lifetime either!)!!! I've been slowly recovering from the shock and pain of the loss of my home, possessions, mementos from my childhood, business supplies and the biggest loss of all my animals. I had gotten to the point o f being able to think of my furry babies and not sit and cry over their loss...but I am sitting here trying to write this and not cry over loosing them. Trying not to cry remembering going down the next day to view the smoldering ruins of what had been my home and finding the remains of three of the 10 animals that I shared my home, my life and my love with. The only thing that kept me from going crazy that day was Bill's daughter. She gathered me up in a huge hug and then took me back up to Bill's place. She got something to place the bodies in and then loaded them in her truck and took them to the pet cemetery to be buried. I still see the remains, the bodies with the fur and skin burned off leaving just the inside parts for all the world to see. I still feel the pain of the loss, the failure to the critters who put their love and trust in me and I failed them by not being there to rescue them from the fire. Only one of the cats survived, and that was because he was outside for the day. I was feeling pretty good, it had been 8 months since the fire and I was coming out of my depression and working on the paperwork for the claim. I had been working on teddy bears again and feeling good about making them. I was able to smile and mean the smile. But all that went down the toilet with just a few comments from the neighbor. With the comments from her I once again feel like a total failure and wish like crazy that the firemen had allowed me to go into the burning building to try to rescue my animals...I wouldn't have been able to have rescued them, but at least I could have tried. I wouldn't feel like such a scum bucket for not having home owner's insurance even though I couldn't find someone to handle it. Then to add to the horrible depression I'm feeling right now, I ordered eyes for the teddy bears I'm making and I asked Bill about a pattern I am considering, he said to go ahead and get it that I could afford it. That added icing to the scum bucket cake as I am not paying anything to Bill for staying at his place while I'm trying to get things settled about the house. OH, and add to that the fact that I can't find a suitable sewing machine to sew the teddy bears on...I need an older sewing machine that dates back to the 1950's (one of the black ones) that only straight stitches. The ones I had all burned in the fire. Well, so much for feeling better and coming out of the depression! It was a big mistake on my part to stop by the neighbor's to ask the question in the first place. She did wonders for my self esteem, and Bill added to the side that lowers the self esteem. I'm not looking forward to going to the doctor's office today or doing any of the other errands we have planned as my self esteem will be below the sub basement by the time we get home.... boy did I goof going to the neighbor's house!!! Pardon me while I go have a good cry.