Flowers for Algernon

Tweet

don’t know why I feel the way I do. It hurts to move, however that is not what scares me the most. It is the not remembering; finding that I have sat in dazing for what seem only like seconds to find out it has been minutes sometimes an hour. Missing time, sometimes I wonder when this will all end. Finding hard to hang out with people as I find myself faking so much of what they might have said to me. It is hard having to spend so much energy on paying attention to what is being sad. Heaven if there is more then one person talking, you might as well place me in a room full of people speaking a foreign language because I cannot figure out what they are telling me. I don’t talk my friends because I am scared that they will think they are not important. I just stay off line or when I can feel I have lost time I tell them I need to go lay down. For me to talk to someone for more then a few minutes at a time is like walking a mile for my mind. Even writing this is hard. I have had to go back and corrected things about four times or more. Will this all stop soon, where is my remission, when will it stop each day it seem to get worse. I am expected to do a few things this week and I have to fight to make sure I get them done. DAMM it where is my remission. Where are my good days I hear that most people with MS have. Many years ago a book/movie was made called Flowers for Algernon this was a story about a man that was not smart and was given an operation that made him very smart. However, it did not last long and I remember that part of the movie when he said it will be different because I know now what I will be missing. I know now how people saw me. Tears run down my face when I watched that movie. I remember how bad I felt for him so many years ago. Now I sit here and I wonder if that is my path. Each day I laugh off things to friends but deep inside I know that if I was healthy I would not have done that or it is just one more step down this path. I fight the anger and the tears. A part of me is so very thankful I do not have a partner that I am not being a burden to anyone. I glad my kids never have to see me this way. I feel so much like Charlie did in that movie. I deep inside I have this feeling I need to get things in order before I am not able to make those decision any more. I have no idea where this path is going. Tonight I do not feel very brave, I do not want smile, I do not feel things will be okay. Tonight I just want to cry, I am scared. I am worried about how this will all come out. Where in the hell is my remission, why won’t this stop. Where are my good days?Will I end up like Charlie?