Love is a nasty thing...
By vanny
@vandana7 (100214)
India
July 20, 2018 10:37am CST
Most people here know that I love my little sister very much.
That said because of differences with family....we have not been very much in touch.
Yesterday I read about Shibam's demise.
And my little sister's last post reads
"Do you think I'm a bad mommy Jimmy"
the son replied "My name is Jack".
She lost her first born in 2016.
The post is dated July 6. Prior to that, there were a few posts...I felt she was seeking contact with me, or may be I was imagining.
For somebody who regularly uses facebook, the period from July 6 to now is fairly long...considering that my birthday was on the 7th.
She couldn't have forgotten my birthday. Her absence is disturbing me.
I am having tough time controlling my urge to contact her, especially after Shibam's news.
I am ego less, most of the time. The distance is only maintained to ensure that we do not ruin the relationship any further. But would I be left with regrets. I wonder how she is. I worry about her. She is not my relative...just family friend's daughter whom I treated as my little sister.
Dilemma.
15 people like this
17 responses
@Freelanzer (10743)
• Canada
20 Jul 18
If you contact her then you would know you have done your part no matter how it turns out.
5 people like this
@vandana7 (100214)
• India
24 Jul 18
@Marcelia123 Yes..very long time...we spoke just once in between. Then too she was completely Americanized so her accent was beyond me. All I remember of her was her hugging me at her marriage and crying. Actually, till then, I did not know I cared for her so much and I did not know she cared for me so much. And then a couple of visits to her place followed by that long silence.
I have tried to contact her the other day. She has not replied, nor has she posted anything. I hope it is not depression.
1 person likes this
@Marcelia123 (48)
• Kota Kinabalu, Malaysia
24 Jul 18
@vandana7 that's a long time
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (160600)
• United States
20 Jul 18
Go with your gut feeling that she is trying, and you try, at least one time.
4 people like this
@vandana7 (100214)
• India
20 Jul 18
Actually last year I did convey condolences ..she came in contact, not knowing it was me, but even after she realized it was me, she did continue the conversation. Then a few months later, I just shared a song with her. Then too the response was brief. This year she came up with some posts that made me feel those were directed at me. Her silence around my birthday is striking. I am unable to tell myself that in 20 odd years that we were never in contact, she forgot my birthday. I remember hers and remember her on every birthday.
1 person likes this
@much2say (55498)
• Los Angeles, California
20 Jul 18
She is someone you care deeply about. I say do contact her as you wonder and worry about her - I think you will feel relieved "knowing" straight from her. I don't know much about the family relationship, but it's about your relationship with her.
2 people like this
@vandana7 (100214)
• India
20 Jul 18
Yes...I feel that way too. Every time I go to her page, I feel like doing it. I open the message page, and then back down. Am I ready to forgive what happened in the past? Would I raise it with her and make her miserable? Am I doing it just to throw somethings at her face? Those kind of questions keep coming up in my mind.
1 person likes this
@much2say (55498)
• Los Angeles, California
21 Jul 18
@vandana7 I guess you will only know when you do it. You are willing to communicate, but her side is not certain at the moment. If you do it and she responds, take it slow and test the waters so to speak - then I think you will know
1 person likes this
@allknowing (135838)
• India
21 Jul 18
There is no point in keeping in touch until what has set you apart is redressed Having said that since it is bothering you why not just find out what is keeping her away from FB?
2 people like this
@vandana7 (100214)
• India
21 Jul 18
@allknowing I am just afraid that it will be deemed as permanent re-entry and if something happens ..in one of my foul moods ...I would throw some barb..nasty ones ...I am capable of. I am no saint. In fact, I keep asking myself is that the reason I want to get in touch with her. At other times, I feel let the seniors go, then we will meet up once, hug and cry our hearts out to wash away what is no longer relevant. But that also means she has to be alright till then. I am strong, because I have had it rough. She is not.
@allknowing (135838)
• India
21 Jul 18
@vandana7 Forgetting and forgiving does not come easily. It requires a big heart and who knows your mother up there must be wanting you to move in that direction .All the best
1 person likes this
@andriaperry (116936)
• Anniston, Alabama
20 Jul 18
Come on! be the grown up and call. the past is the past and leave it there. If things turn bad then you will know, if they don`t you will have her back in your life.
3 people like this
@vandana7 (100214)
• India
21 Jul 18
If things turn bad, knowing I won't have her back in life is not a good feeling. I fantasize that after our parents are gone, one day we will meet hug and cry together letting go of all that needs to be washed away. While we may still not be able to revive our friendship to the same level as before, there will be mutual respect and understanding that will keep our hearts warm enough for each other.
I did send her a message you know. So many votes for it, and my heart too saying that is what you need to do. I uploaded funny songs ...just in case she is in sad mood. JJ did that once for me. I had no clue how to go about it..
@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
20 Jul 18
All you can do is try so you have no regrets that you did not give it a go. You needn't be personal. You can leave a generic (and heartfelt) message asking for her well being and wishing her well for a start. Then the ball will be in her court.
2 people like this
@vandana7 (100214)
• India
24 Jul 18
She has not replied, and she has not turned up. I think she is depressed. I don't know what to say. All I can say is, those who seem happy and have everything are not always that. She wrote in one of her blogs that she won't cry for her son but feel happy for having had him for so many years. I think that gave me hint that she is putting herself up for a major breakdown. I truly hope I am wrong.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
30 Jul 18
@vandana7 It takes time to recover from a loss. She may never as he was her son. But she will leg through eventually.
1 person likes this
@cttolledo (5454)
• Legaspi, Philippines
21 Jul 18
Nothing to lose if you make an effort to contact her. It's better than to suffer the pain of regrets.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100214)
• India
24 Jul 18
@cttolledo She is not coming still on fb. Wonder what is keeping her. Hope she is not depressed.
1 person likes this
@cttolledo (5454)
• Legaspi, Philippines
21 Jul 18
@vandana7 I think that's good enough. I admire you of loving her though she's not your sister by blood
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100214)
• India
20 Jul 18
Yes Anna...it is the same girl. Because she stopped posting on my birthday makes me suspect more that those messages were for me. To be fair, she must be feeling guilty for somethings that her folks did, and doesn't feel she has a face to continue to this relationship. But so did my folks wrong her. There is no yardstick to measure pain, is there?
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100214)
• India
20 Jul 18
I am not very good in expressing, am I? :(
The person I call my little sister is actually the daughter of our family friend. Things soured. Some really serious wrongs were done, to both sides. I am not sure I have forgiven the pain that came in my plate. That is the reason I don't want to resume it full scale. Last year I did contact her, and she did reply. At first she did not know who it was since this is not the name I was known in their home. But she continued to converse briefly after knowing it was me.
Around June she came up with 2 posts that I felt were there to get me to interact. She could have contacted me, but did not. Of the two of us, I am the one who suffered most because of her folks, so it may be diffidence.
1 person likes this
@akalinus (43173)
• United States
20 Jul 18
@vandana7 Relationships can sour so quickly. Usually, it is the last thing in a laundry list of wrongs. I just try to love people for their good qualities and play down the bad. Sometimes the bad wins out. Hope she contacts you and you can resume a friendship.
1 person likes this
@Shiva49 (26659)
• Singapore
21 Jul 18
I understand your dilemma. I have known many over the years who were more than acquaintances.
They became my friends but after a while, our interactions tapered off. Sometimes, I get a feeling they want to be left alone.
Once I traced my friend who was my senior while doing my CA course, but he was not happy to see me after nearly forty years. I do not know, maybe, as he did not complete the course, he might not have been keen to go back to such memories. Later I heard he passed away. Now I feel, maybe, he was not well and I should just move on than think about the hurt I had felt.
I had a bosom friend from my school days but life has taken a different turn to go back to our early days and reminisce the great times we had.
I try to maintain a balance and if old friends give a hint they want to be left alone, I respect their views. In fact, I was touched when one of my friends of over forty years took the trouble to get in touch with me a week ago! siva
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100214)
• India
21 Jul 18
Yes, people want to be known as success stories to their friends. Not as losers. But in this case, there is simply too much water under the bridge. I wanted to leave it alone after the last contact, fearing my nasty self, and also fearing that the love I feel will be replaced by hatred or indifference. I was fine with it, till Shibam news. It made me wonder if she is depressed. In her blog she had said I refuse to cry for my son. And she possibly held those tears back for long enough.
1 person likes this
@Shiva49 (26659)
• Singapore
21 Jul 18
@vandana7 I have not read your previous post on your relationship with this person.
I know this is a sensitive issue and can touch a raw nerve. Though I keep in touch even those who are reserved generally, some seem to bottle up their feelings. Any effort by others is taken as an interference.
So I have no choice but "to let sleeping dogs lie".
Modern society has made us polarized with people living in different parts of the planet. I am one who is not comfortable with Facebook and such sharing pictures. I am more comfortable within a closed circle more one-to-one interaction.
Let us hope we all find a shoulder to lean on in times of crisis - siva
1 person likes this
@Jessabuma (31700)
• Baguio, Philippines
21 Jul 18
I think it would be good if you give her a call and ask her condition..
1 person likes this
@Jessabuma (31700)
• Baguio, Philippines
24 Jul 18
@vandana7 Ohh that's sad to hear
1 person likes this
@Fliafaith (763)
• Nairobi, Kenya
24 Jul 18
Its good to try for another time, there is always a second trial.
1 person likes this
@Fliafaith (763)
• Nairobi, Kenya
24 Jul 18
@vandana7 I can get it now, is there someone you know who is close by, maybe you can use them to pass a message
1 person likes this
@Courage7 (19633)
• United States
21 Jul 18
Yes why cannot you contact her? It would only take a minute no damage done? What happened to you and sister, did you argue or just drift apart?
I have three sisters and so far am only in contact with one and just barely. It is horrible what they did.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100214)
• India
24 Jul 18
No...we did not argue. I got condemned for somebody else's sins. Her folks later came and demanded that I accept them as care givers since by then I had some monies. I refused partly because they wanted everything liquidated upfront and distributed among their children. Elders in both our families have not been straight. That has led to us drifting apart. Not that I was angelic when I was young. But at least I cared.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100214)
• India
24 Jul 18
I don't know what else I can do. I sent a message...I was hoping she would be in better frame of mind. Return on fb and be happy. I had this feeling that she is depressed. I have seen pretty rough life. I have learned to fight. She has been cushioned so pain is not so easy for her to battle I think.
1 person likes this
