Memories

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In life, there are things you remember with perfect clarity and things that fade slowly over time or you possibly forget altogether. I don't know why some things stick and why some don't. I can tell you bits and pieces of memories but maybe not in entirety and I don't know why certain parts of memories stick even if they seem insignificant. Usually, when something big happens you can remember everything about that day. You remember where you were what time it was everything that came before and after that moment. It's weird how memory works. Why can I remember some unknown event that has very little to do with anything but I can't remember the sound of my grandmother's voice? I can remember what she smells like to this day but I no longer remember the sound of her voice. I used to have dreams where I could hear her very clearly and now she isn't present in any of them and while I still have many memories they blend together and I've forgotten a lot. I spent every waking moment over at her house until she died when I was five. She lived next door to us and she played a very significant role in my life. I to this day remember she smelled of perfume and Bengay. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when 9/11 happened. It was a scary time in the US. I was 15 and had just walked into art class with my friend when my art teacher informed us of what had just happened. We were the first two to enter the classroom and my teacher was listening to the radio. Shortly after we entered she turned on the TV and we watched the news and that was the one time I remember how quiet our class was and it was never that quiet. I remember we watched the news in every single class after that except for my health class because my teacher said we knew all that we were going to know. I remember getting on the bus later that day and my bus driver quickly getting us home in fear that something worse could or would happen because this was a threat on our country and we didn't know what was possible at the time. I just remember the fear. I was in marching band at the time and I remember my band teacher telling us to write a poem or something to convey our feelings of the event that just occurred he told us not to worry about our other teachers yelling at us for writing it during their classes that he would personally take care of it if we were yelled at the best ones would be read aloud at the football game against a rivaling team the following Friday. I remember for the first time ever our band and their band joined the field and played together. We put our differences aside and gathered together to play as one. I remember all of this with perfect clarity. Tragedy often brings people together because sometimes there are things that matter more than our differences. This is a memory I keep when I feel the world crumbling down around me as I hear my friends scream hatred at one another and when I feel like we are drifting too far apart. I like to remember things like this to remind myself there is still good in the world even when it feels like there isn't any. Unfortunately, this was only the start of everything to come. More and more tragedy has happened since then and will continue to happen. My son does not remember a time before all of the constant tragedy happening around us. I know why I remember this moment but others I am unsure why I remember them and why I don't. I know previously I mentioned memories but it was something that has been sort of nagging at me. Why can't I remember the sound of my grandmother's voice but I can remember sitting in some random raft when I was two? I understand why things like 9/11 stick but other things I don't. I can't even remember every single mass shooting anymore since there has been so many. I remember when Sandyhook elementary was shot up because that one broke my heart probably more than any other. Innocent children were killed for no reason other than because some sadistic maniac had some agenda we will never know anything about. I know other countries are losing children by the minute and that breaks my heart. I hate when children are the target of anything. Regardless some things will always stay with us. I don't really remember what I was doing when those children were shot but I remember taking my son and holding him tight. I mean so many bad things have happened that it's starting to fade from my memory. Why is it that we can remember something that feels like it has nothing to do with anything but other big events seem to fade? I am told about my grandparents anniversary party that I should in theory remember but I don't. I am told things all the time I should probably remember but don't but then I remember things that others didn't think I would remember. I don't understand it. I wish I could remember each important moment but I can't. I remember the day my step-nephew died I remember it was a Saturday in April the day after my uncle's funeral but I don't remember an exact day. It has been two years. I remember waking up to a text and then the following Friday going to a second funeral. Up until my uncle died I had never been to a funeral and then I had gone to two in two weeks. It was sad and tragic. When my uncle died it brought a sense of peace that his suffering was over but when my step nephew died it brought a lot of sadness and grief because he was so young and we wish we had known he was suffering. I remember every moment from his funeral. I also remember my uncle's funeral and standing in the rain as we all cried but ultimately knew he was in a better place (we are a big group of Christians) I wonder how long before these memories start to fade? I wouldn't mind forgetting a lot of my step-nephew's funeral because it still hurts and I wasn't even that close to him. It was only two years ago but it feels like yesterday and a decade ago all at the same time. They say time heals all wounds but it doesn't really heal them it just gives you clarity and lessens some of your grief but the pain never totally goes away. I was five when my grandma died and to this day I miss her and would love one more moment with her. I wish I would have gotten to have a real conversation with her because at five how well do you really know anyone? I remember we had a gathering after my grandma's funeral. My mom wouldn't let me go to her funeral and I remember asking questions because I didn't understand. My grandfather had died the year prior but I didn't really remember it then nor do I have any memories of it now. I barely remember my grandfather and he only died the year prior to my grandma. I have memories of remembering him if that makes sense. I don't get why I remember my grandma so well but have very few memories of my grandpa. As I said memories intrigue me because sometimes they seem to have no rhyme or reason as to why you remember some but forget others. I just wish I could remember more. Although there are some memories I wish I could forget but can't seem to. It's funny how that works. Regardless of the memory good or bad, I think we should be grateful that we can remember our life because they are all part of what makes us who we are. Our pasts are what brought us where we are today.