Talking About Death With a Child

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Have you ever wondered how to talk about death with a child? I've done it before, so I can tell you about my experience. My son was 3 when we found out my grandmother had terminal lung and adrenal cancer. He was young, but I didn't feel it right to withhold that information from him, as it would have been even less fair for him to watch her deteriorate, not understand what was happening, and then be shocked when she suddenly wasn't around anymore. Not long before, he had a toy that stopped working. It was apparently something internal, because replacing the battery did not fix the problem. However, I used this as an analogy to tell him about my grandmother. I told him that her body wasn't working very well anymore, that it was getting tired and that, like the toy, you can't just put a new battery in it and make it work again, and that soon it would stop working completely. At 3, that was a simple enough explanation for him to understand, but honest. When she died, he was not in the room, but my stepdad was entertaining him. Then he came in the room and patted her hand. Later that night, he said "Gigi be right back," not understanding that she wasn't coming back, but my mom and I did get him to understand. He did talk about her quite a bit, as did we, as we felt it important to keep her memory alive. Even now, at 7, he still talks about her sometimes. When he was 5, he did have about a month of what is known as delayed grieving. According to my research, it is a common occurrence for children who have lost someone close to them at a young age. It happens because they reach a point where they more fully understand the concept of death, and are able to process it fully, thus the grieving process takes its true course. Several nights that month he cried himself to sleep and said he missed Gigi, but eventually, he got through it. Now this next example is fictional, but from a show that deals with realistic scenarios, so I'll use it. In the show 7th Heaven, at the beginning of the first season, the grandmother finds out she has late stage Leukemia. The parents decide not to tell their 5 kids, 16, 14, 12, 8, and 5. The 16 year old has a feeling something is wrong, repeatedly asks to be told, and finally is, but then comments that they should not tell the other kids as they are too young and can't handle it. A few weeks later, or in this case a couple episodes, she dies in her sleep after one last exciting day. No one except the parents, grandfather, and oldest child are expecting her death though. I don't agree with this practice. In my opinion, children should be told when there is notice of an impending death. For one thing they are stronger than people give them credit for. For another, that's what families are there for, to support each other in times just like that, and for a third thing, I think it would be more traumatizing for them to deal with a sudden unexpected death. Obviously you might have a sudden death that nobody expects, but if you do have notice, you shouldn't hide it from children. All 5 of these fictional children were older than my son was when his grandmother died, and although it was hard on him, my mom and I were there to support him through it. My mom has a terminal liver condition, but still has several years before it becomes life threatening. My son doesn't know yet that it will kill her, but he does know that she can get sick more easily as it is an autoimmune disease and can make even simple colds last longer. He is also aware of a few other symptoms that are apparent. When she gets on the transplant list, we will give him more information that it has gotten more serious and that she needs a new liver or she will die, but as it's not that serious yet, we're just keeping him posted on the condition she is currently in. On the whole, the idea is that if there is something like this in a family, I don't think it's appropriate to hide it from children. Often times, even younger children, much younger than that 16 year old, can sense something is wrong anyway, and they'll panic more if you don't tell them. If anyone has a similar situation they are dealing with and would like to talk to me more about my experience, feel free to message me. I'd be happy to help if I can. Have you ever had to tell a child about a death or serious illness? How did you handle it and how did they react? What was the age of the child?