I hate seeing myself now.
By Bhem
@JustBhem (70555)
Davao, Philippines
September 8, 2018 9:19pm CST
I hate to see myself now. I hate the swollen face, the structure of my physical body, and I even hated the way I walk. So frustrating. I didn't get the hint of the changes I have during the past months. I don't know what to do already. And I hate the fact that Mother is having the same sickness I have. I wouldn't be like this.
I think the only part of myself that's not changed is my thoughts. I can still think pretty well. I can still work with my brain. But sometimes there are lapses like I tend to be forgetful but that's it.
I was with the boyfriend last night. We are buying gifts for the newlywed. I was walking, trying hard to walk straight when I get tired after. I let the boyfriend walk alone thought he does not want me but I let him still. Then I saw my whole reflection in a whole body mirror. I was about to cry to what I've seen. I lost myself over with this sickness. I thought I was okay to be with Dialysis but there are disadvantages. And this what happens to me now. I'm too ugly. I'm fading.
Mood : 
9 people like this
11 responses
@marguicha (223720)
• Chile
9 Sep 18
Dearest Bhem! My heart goes to you! Is there a way this can be reversed? If your kidneys are not in good working order, is there a possibility of a kidney transplant?
2 people like this
@louievill (28851)
• Philippines
9 Sep 18
@Strawberry18 it's not a bit pricey, it's very expensive, another thing to hurdle are the long lines of people waiting for the same, even if a donor becomes available it would still have to be compatible so as not to have organ rejection
2 people like this
@JustBhem (70555)
• Davao, Philippines
9 Sep 18
There is @marguicha but I need to work on some of my labs since I'm into a lot of blood transfusion. I need to have at least a year of not having it so that I can be qualified with KT.
1 person likes this
@ridingbet (66854)
• Philippines
10 Sep 18
i think you have to have good vibrations and positiveness, hija.
for me, when i get so weak, i also think about my whole well-being, but i still stand up and think about what my future holds for me.
2 people like this
@JustBhem (70555)
• Davao, Philippines
10 Sep 18
It is easy to say, my friend, because your physical body is not changing. You can still do things on your own will. Unlike mine, my face, my feet, my physical body is changing. I cannot even walk sometimes without resting my feet first. It's hard these days. I think it triggers when I was confined twice this year. And I hate it. 
1 person likes this
@ridingbet (66854)
• Philippines
13 Sep 18
@JustBhem no. i lost weight, hija. if you can see me in person, you will notice my manner of breathing. i always catch my breath. i cannot walk straight, that sometimes i have to hold on to something.
1 person likes this
@JustBhem (70555)
• Davao, Philippines
13 Sep 18
@ridingbet
If that's the case, why are you still working?
@allen0187 (58582)
• Philippines
10 Sep 18
@JustBhem started with my new work. So far, not doing anything work-related and I'm free to post here in myLot.
1 person likes this
@JustBhem (70555)
• Davao, Philippines
10 Sep 18
@allen0187
I see, and what is your new job?
1 person likes this
@ilocosboy (45156)
• Philippines
9 Sep 18
I was looking for words to comfort you but I don't know how. The sweetest things that you have is your boyfriend, he's one of the best boyfriend in the world and I can feel how much he cares and loves you.
2 people like this
@JustBhem (70555)
• Davao, Philippines
9 Sep 18
Thanks, @ilocosboy, yeah, the boyfriend always take cares of me.
2 people like this
@freelancermariagrace (28588)
• Philippines
9 Sep 18
Hi, Bhem. I don't know how to comfort you in this trying time. But I will be praying for you. Hugsss!
1 person likes this
@freelancermariagrace (28588)
• Philippines
9 Sep 18
@JustBhem Yes, prayers can move mountains.
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (38166)
• Philippines
9 Sep 18
So sorry to have that problem with your health. I would have recommended an exercise would be good but when I saw the dialysis treatment, I felt sad because I think that is really the one side effect of undergoing through that. What does the doctors said to avoid that figure you have right now. Can exercise do it?
1 person likes this
@JustBhem (70555)
• Davao, Philippines
9 Sep 18
We don't have good timing when having a checkup with my Nephrologist because whenever I tend to have myself scheduled, she is out of town. And it took time for me to get a slot. But the boyfriend assured me this week to have a checkup, I just need to check if the Doctor is around.
@rachz_kisses (3838)
• Philippines
9 Sep 18
I know it's hard and sometimes, it is overwhelming. Getting emotional is easy... I don't even know what to say to make you feel better at this stage. You may read this comment but feel tired already. I can only pray for your healing and hope you continue to fight. Just don't give up.
@Babino (5759)
• Morocco
9 Sep 18
Hey Bhem, i don't know what's wrong with your healh and i don't know what do you look like but i know that everyone is beautiful in their very own special way and i also know that looks don't matter.
Please be strong !!
(Ps if you hate the way you walk try long skirts or dresses, it can help sometimes)
1 person likes this
