In Need of Assistance
@CountryGirl31 (1259)
United States
September 26, 2018 9:45pm CST
I'm looking for anyone that can give me any HELPFUL feedback on the situation I'm about to talk about. If you can't be helpful, please do not comment.
Situation:
My daughter's biological mother moved back to NY almost two weeks ago and has finally reached out, saying that she wants to see KK.
When we told KK, she was 3 things: Nervous, Scared and Excited. She wants to see them but does not want to see them alone and has a fear that they are going to try and talk her into living with them.
KK is 17 so if she wants to live with them, there's not anything I could do.
I have had several talks with her and she has said that no matter what, she wants to live where I am. I have been the one constant in her life.
What I wanted to do when they called:
I didn't want to tell KK they called but we both have a pact that we will always be honest with each other, whether or not it would hurt the other person or make them mad.
I reached out to her bio mom and have set up a day/time for a visit. Now that there is a plan, KK is even more nervous but I have assured her that I will be at every visit until we are sure there is no ulterior motive from them and until she feels she would be comfortable with them by herself, which will take months.
I also have some rules that her bio mom will have to follow or KK will not be able to visit with them.
One of them is to keep KK's supposed bio dad away from her. The supposed bio dad is only 1 of 3 possibilities and denies being her father. He takes every chance he can to make KK feel like crap.
What do I want:
I would like for them to move back to Tenn so we don't have to deal with this. If I got what I wanted, it would hurt KK and I just won't do that so for anyone reading this, there will be more posts about this situation. Mostly asking for advice and strength to deal with this situation.
My hope:
I hope that the visit goes well and that there are more in the future as that would make KK happy. I hope that they truly just want to spend time with her and not put anything in her head about moving in with them or anything like that.
I hope that I have enough strength and wisdom to deal with this situation in a way that is an adult but in NO way ever being a doormat. I'm okay with being hated as long as I'm doing what is right for KK, even if she may disagree with me at some point.
3 people like this
3 responses
@RasmaSandra (82538)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
27 Sep 18
The one problem I see with this situation is that even if all goes well and KK and her bio mom get along and KK is OK with seeing her now and then there might come a time that her bio mom might try to influence her on things with which you might not agree with. So it is a volatile situation which will have to be monitored carefully. Hopefully, you can get KK to agree that once she is ready to see her bio mom alone and feel comfortable with the situation that you and she can discuss what went on that day totally openly and honestly because at this point you do not need secrets kept from one and the other.
1 person likes this
@CountryGirl31 (1259)
• United States
27 Sep 18
See that's what I'm afraid of. Me and KK have talked about the fact that I don't want her to hide anything from me and she said she doesnt want to be in that situation, where her bio mom puts anything in her head or tell her she can't tell me something.
That's one of the things that will be brought up with her bio mom when we go to visit with them. I'm hoping that when we have the visit that we all can have a calm discussion where all of us can be honest with the other.
I tend to lean towards the worst case scenario but I also know what the best case scenario would be as well. And while I want that for KK, I don't want it to change mine and KK's relationship.
@RasmaSandra (82538)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
27 Sep 18
@CountryGirl31 well you are thinking right so good luck and just keep an honest and open relationship with KK.
1 person likes this
@NJChicaa (121375)
• United States
27 Sep 18
Definitely a tough situation. Are you an adoptive parent or temporary guardian or a foster parent? It isn't clear here.
Honesty with KK is good. Definitely being there at the visits is a must, especially in the beginning. Keeping the supposed father away is another one since no good seems to come from the interaction.
I would say follow KK's lead on this one after the first visit. See how she feels and take things slowly.
1 person likes this
@CountryGirl31 (1259)
• United States
27 Sep 18
It's a long story. KK is actually my cousin. Her bio mom gave my mom guardianship when KK was 6 months old. My mom left us to marry her first love but her first love is a known child/woman abuser so I refused to let my mom take KK with her. KK wanted to stay with me. I told my mom I would take her to court if I needed to but in the end, she just wanted to be "Free." So KK has been with me ever since even though I've been raising her for years.
1 person likes this
@Plethos (13581)
• United States
27 Sep 18
go to local law enforcement for a restraining order for her dad. go to court, bio mom also, to get in writing and signed by a judge the agreed upon terms. but you are smart in not leaving her alone or over night or anywhere with her bio mom without you there.
1 person likes this
