Time to share my stories - 3 time suicide survivor

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So, I've decided that it's time to start sharing my stories. Today I'm going to start with this one because it's the harder one that I've had to talk about.....I am a 3 time suicide attempt survivor. I have self-harmed, and from time to time still consider self-harm in the throws of depression, but I usually can stop myself by recognizing my patterns... Below, I'm going to talk about each situation leading up to the attempt and what made me stop myself from each attempt. The first time, was after my ex-boyfriend and our friends and little brother had gone to jail for breaking into my old high school - the news story of it can still be found online..... anyway, they stole over 20 thousand dollars of merchandise and did over 50,000 dollars in damage to the school - the place I felt like it was my home, where I had always belonged, even when no one else wanted me. I felt so much guilt over what had happened and because I couldn't convince them to not go, I was so ashamed of myself. Gang enforcement held us at gunpoint for 3 hours and then raided my house for all the stolen merchandise. During that time, I was pregnant.... after that night, I lost my baby. I had (in my mind) nothing to live for anymore. I was alone, I had destroyed my family because I couldn't get the courage to speak up, and I had lost my baby in the process of it all. So I planned it out. I planned out my death, wrote out my apologies to everyone, and then jumped online to say my final goodbyes to the people I wouldn't be able to get the letters to. Turns out my best friend who had been taking a break from writing with me (we wrote and still do write fictional stories together), was ready to start writing again, and even though I told her no, she begged me to write since she had this amazing idea. We wrote for almost 12 hours straight, and I fell asleep at the computer. My life was saved that night by my best friend writing fiction with me. The second time, it was another cycle of having no one around. I was extremely emotional and depressed. I had just given my boyfriend (a different one) another chance to fix our relationship after he choked me with my own sweater by pulling backwards on my hood, and walking that way for almost 1/2 a mile before I was able to get my balance and get my sweater off (I know....dumb idea giving that guy another chance...) anyway, we had slept together, and when I had woken up he was gone. He stole quite a few things from me and had disappeared before I woke up. A month had gone by and he didn't return any phone calls or messages. My friends had stopped talking to me because they were busy starting their own lives, and I had once again prepared to end it all. This time, I had my method ready to go, and written out what I wanted to be done with my body. I wasn't going to say goodbye to anyone this time. It was around 9:45 at night and everyone was either sleeping or gone. It was the perfect time. Until the phone wrang. A friend of mine that I hadn't spoken to in months called and said "I don't know why I have to call you, but I know I need to talk to you. What's going on?" I didn't tell him anything, but I started crying and said I had to get off the phone. He told me "no, promise me that you're going to come out with me and my friends tonight. I'll be there in 30 minutes." He wouldn't let me get off the phone until I promised. Two days later I found out I was pregnant. The last attempt was thwarted in the same way the first one was - and by the same person. I had just turned 20. My doctor told me that I would die before I was 20, and I had no idea how to live live. I didn't know how to get a job, didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, and living with my sister was a nightmare and I felt more outcasted and abused and rejected more then I had ever felt in my life (which was pretty bad.....the rest of the stories will come later) I felt so useless and unloved and like my daughter would be better off without such a terrible mom. So I got on my laptop again, to write out a letter to my daughter and put the file on a thumb drive along with photos of the 2 of us to let her know that I was leaving so that she could live her best life. Well.... that same best friend was struck with an amazing idea of a story that would start off with a tragedy. Needless to say I was able to get out all of my misery by writing out in great detail that fictional tragedy, and again fell asleep at my computer..... Those are the three times I had prepared to kill myself and my attempts were thwarted with an intense amount of love..... The moral of these stories is that no matter what you are going through, you are never really alone. You are meant to be here. You are meant to live a great life, even if it doesn't happen the way anyone of us thought it would. Our mistakes and our tragedies help us give meaning and joy to life - not just our own, but for others as well. A story is not worth having unless it is shared with others. I am 8 years past that last attempt and I refuse to get that bad in my depression ever again. No matter what you are going through.... you are never alone. I stand with you.