Resorting to a Life of Crime
By Jeff Moffitt
@moffittjc (121569)
Gainesville, Florida
March 13, 2020 3:02pm CST
Sitting here in the doctor’s office (no, I’m not sick, it’s just a regular checkup), and I eye this huge bottle of hand sanitizer just sitting there on the counter. Considering every store in the US is sold out of hand sanitizer, I am guessing that this bottle will be worth more than gold on the black market.
Now, I just need to figure out the best way to slip that big bottle into my pocket and sneak it out the front door. Any suggestions?
32 people like this
34 responses
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
13 Mar 20
@moffittjc Neither for me thanks! 
1 person likes this
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
13 Mar 20
@moffittjc As a sister in Christ-neither for you either! 
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
13 Mar 20
@LovingMyBabies I meant for me! Lol.
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
13 Mar 20
@Juliaacv I get a ride and a meal? My day is getting better and better with each passing minute!
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
13 Mar 20
Too late! I already did it! But funny story, this very nice policeman showed up and offered to give me a ride in his police car! He was so nice! I wonder where he’s taking me?
2 people like this
@infatuatedbby (94914)
• United States
13 Mar 20
Whoa! Where do they sell such a large bottle? It is definitely gold for that size 
Got a water bottle on you? Haha jk
Got a water bottle on you? Haha jk1 person likes this
@infatuatedbby (94914)
• United States
13 Mar 20
@moffittjc Haha they would totally notice. But I wasn’t implying you to take the entire thing hahha just enough in your water bottle
But I wasn’t implying you to take the entire thing hahha just enough in your water bottle 1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
13 Mar 20
@infatuatedbby Well, I got caught anyway, so I didn't end up getting any hand sanitizer.
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
13 Mar 20
I have a water bottle, but not one that big! I should just casually grab it and walk out like I own the place. I bet they won’t even be paying attention!
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
29 Mar 20
What, like I got excited when the pretty nurse walked by?
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
14 Mar 20
@DianneN So my boss came back to work today after being in Hawaii for the past two weeks on his honeymoon. He said the entire flight back there was a Chinese guy sitting behind him that was coughing his lungs out. My boss is pretty sure he has the coronavirus now. And of course, the first thing I did was yell at him to leave work and go home! He just went into his office and shut his door.
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
13 Mar 20
I got busted trying to take it out. But the joke was on me...it was anti-bacterial hand wash, not hand sanitizer! It doesn't kill the coronavirus!
1 person likes this
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
14 Mar 20
Surprised they didn’t steal toilet paper as well.
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
13 Mar 20
It just happened this morning at one of our local hospitals. It was on the news. I'm sure it's happening at hospitals all over the country.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (92611)
• United States
14 Mar 20
@moffittjc Good lord, that's pathetic.
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
13 Mar 20
The reason I made a joking post about it is because someone did exactly that. There was a story on the news this morning about someone breaking into a storage room at one of the hospitals here and stealing all the hand sanitizer bottles. They don't have any leads or suspects yet. I'm sure there's got to be surveillance videos all over that hospital. Probably was an inside job.
2 people like this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
14 Mar 20
@AmbiePam I'm sure it's happening all over the country. People just completely lose their minds when they go into panic mode. And there's absolutely no reason for everyone to be panicking like they are. Just take a chill pill and relax. Well, wash your hands first, then take a chill pill. No need to resort to stealing.
1 person likes this
@much2say (55591)
• Los Angeles, California
14 Mar 20
@moffittjc Your pockets (and probably your legs and floor) would be sanitized 
! I hope there is enough though for those in the medical field!!
! I hope there is enough though for those in the medical field!!1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
14 Mar 20
@much2say I would hope that medical professionals would get first priority on any shipments of face masks, disinfectant, and hand sanitizers! Otherwise, we could all be in trouble.
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
13 Mar 20
That would be funny to see me walking out the door with pocketfuls of hand sanitizer!
There's none to be found here either.
1 person likes this
@simone10 (54187)
• Louisville, Kentucky
21 Mar 20
@moffittjc You would be surprised. Look at how everyone is panicking right now.
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
24 Mar 20
@simone10 That is true! So many people panicking. If everybody would just calm down and take a deep breath, we could get through this thing together.
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
18 Mar 20
It will be. No one is as devious as me thinking they can take it right out from under their noses! Lol
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
14 Mar 20
You want me to leave, go home, change into different pants with bigger pockets, go back to the doctor's office, and then steal the hand sanitizer?
That's brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
16 Mar 20
@JudyEv Because me carrying a handbag would not draw anyone's attention whatsoever! haha
1 person likes this
@kobesbuddy (78882)
• East Tawas, Michigan
13 Mar 20
Yes, mail it immediately to a lady in Michigan! will $100 be enough?
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
13 Mar 20
How about $100 plus the cost of shipping?
1 person likes this
@kobesbuddy (78882)
• East Tawas, Michigan
13 Mar 20
@moffittjc So now you're estimating, about $300 total?
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
13 Mar 20
@kobesbuddy Haha, does shipping cost that much these days? I could ship it on a Greyhound bus for about $10, if you have a bus station nearby where you can go pick it up!
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
13 Mar 20
I know right! It's like they were begging me to take it!
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
13 Mar 20
@db20747 I'll send you some for Christmas!
1 person likes this
@db20747 (43440)
• Washington, District Of Columbia
13 Mar 20
@moffittjc I love purell, that bottle looks delectable!!
1 person likes this
@LindaOHio (178331)
• United States
13 Mar 20
Ha ha! If it's antibacterial it won't help anyone anyway! In plain sight is probably the best way.
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
13 Mar 20
Funny you mentioned that. When they caught me trying to take it out the door, they said the exact same thing! “Hey, it’s anti-bacterial, it won’t do nothing to stop the coronavirus!”
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
13 Mar 20
@LindaOHio I sweet-talked my way out of trouble. Turned on the charm, smiled, and flirted with the receptionist. Worked perfectly. See, women aren't the only ones who can sweet-talk their way out of trouble!
1 person likes this
@LindaOHio (178331)
• United States
13 Mar 20
@moffittjc lol Please don't go to jail over this! :-)
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
13 Mar 20
@Nevena83 I did. I turned on the charm and flirted with the cute receptionist, and she let me go. I'm not sure, but I think I may have agreed to go out on a date with her tomorrow night. I'm not sure how I'm going to explain that to my girlfriend.
1 person likes this
@Nevena83 (65277)
• Serbia
13 Mar 20
@moffittjc Just smile and they will let you go.
1 person likes this
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
14 Mar 20
Just remember they know who was in the room...lol They possibly even have cameras now days.
1 person likes this
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
14 Mar 20
@moffittjc well, glad of that. They probably would’ve added it to your bill anyway. Lol ??
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
15 Mar 20
@mtdewgurl74 I'm sure they would have! Either that or laughed about it, and said, "If he wants it that badly, let him have it."
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
14 Mar 20
They caught me anyway before I got out the door. The girl who stopped me was really cute, so I just turned on the charm and flirted with her and was able to sweet-talk my way out of trouble.
1 person likes this
@snowy22315 (180573)
• United States
13 Mar 20
Your conscience would get to you, and you would be bound to return it!
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
14 Mar 20
@snowy22315 I didn't get this successful in my life based on just my good looks! haha
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
13 Mar 20
I would fill it back up with water before returning it, so it would still look full.
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
14 Mar 20
@Elizaby Okay, I'll tell my friend not to do it. But I'm not sure what he's going to do with all those cans he bought...
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
14 Mar 20
Is it okay to sell cans of Lysol for outrageous prices? Asking for a friend.
1 person likes this
@dgobucks226 (35587)
•
15 Mar 20
No easy way to conceal something so in demand without someone noticing. If your going to do it might as well go all the way and grab a roll of toilet paper from their restroom. That's also in high demand 
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
15 Mar 20
Damn, I didn't think about grabbing the toilet paper!
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
13 Mar 20
I did. They were too smart for me though. Busted me red-handed!
1 person likes this
@CarolDM (203422)
• Nashville, Tennessee
13 Mar 20
@moffittjc Oh well. You tried.
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
13 Mar 20
@CarolDM Hopefully they have good hygiene practices in prison!
1 person likes this
@Fa_Maverick (9487)
• Australia
19 Mar 20
Doctor: "Well now... Is that a big bottle of hand sanitizer in your pocket Jeff? Or are you just happy to see me?"
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121569)
• Gainesville, Florida
23 Mar 20
Hmmm...if my doctor was a beautiful female, then maybe that would be a valid question. But my doctor is a guy. Now the nurse, on the other hand, she could make me happy to see her any time! lol
I did have to turn on the charm and do some heavy flirting with the cute receptionist when she caught me red-handed with the bottle.
@Fa_Maverick (9487)
• Australia
23 Mar 20
@moffittjc at least your red hand was well disinfected
1 person likes this
