Recovering after a sudden, tragic loss

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January 13, 2021 was the saddest day of my life on what should've been a happy one. I was in the middle of my quarantine as I had COVID. It was my daughter's 16th birthday. Her dad took her out to dinner to celebrate with her grandma. I should've been with them but instead I was reading a book and very bored. My husband calls me and told me that they found my niece, We hadn't heard from her for a few days and were getting worried. I asked him "well, where was she?" He told me they found her body. That she committed suicide. I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe. I don't even remember if I said anything else to him or hanging up the phone. I just remember the pain in my heart. The loss I felt. I cried for hours. Harder than I ever had in my life. Right now as I am writing this I have goosebumps thinking of the devastation, shock, and confusion. Zana was my best friend. She was his cousin's daughter so not technically my niece. But she called me her aunt. She wasn't close to anyone in her family and neither am I. But we connected and clicked. We were always together or talking and texting. During family functions we would not attend if the other wasn't going. We did so much together that sometimes I felt like she was my third child. The anger and guilt I have doesn't seem to go away. It has been over 3 months now but it still feels like yesterday. I still can't understand and I never will. I still think about her throughout the day and the memories that I have of her haunt me because we still had so much life to live together. She was so young, only 26, and so beautiful and talented. I wish she had called me. I would've done anything to help her. I miss her so much. My biggest regret is not being there when she needed me. I am so angry that as close as we were she didn't reach out to me. That may sound selfish but I can't help but feel like she left me. She was my only friend in this world. I have no one to talk to or hang out with now. Her family doesn't reach out to me because they are dealing with their own grief but also because I am not her family so although we were two peas in a pod I am irrelevant to them as I was not close to anyone but her. If anyone is reading this and can relate please tell me how long does it take to recover from the loss of a loved one? I called her everyday after her death and left her voicemails. It made me feel connected to her. On Valentine's Day her phone was disconnected and it broke my heart all over again. Her birthday is coming up next week and I will go visit her grave. I went a few weeks ago but as she doesn't have a gravestone I was not able to find her. This time I will not stop until I figure it out. If you know someone who is struggling in life, please help them in any way you can. Our last conversation she shared some of her problems with me but I had heard them before so I didn't think they were anything new. But obviously she was desperate and I didn't get her hints. If I could go back in time I would do things so differently.