This Week's Sermon (MyLot Exclusive #561)

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For the second week in a row, I'm not delivering a Sermon:: LONG PAUSE TO ALLOW YOU TO GET OUT YOUR CRIES OF SADNESS, ANGER, DISAPPOINTMENT AND DESPERATION::I know, I know. It's just like when the Beatles broke up, the night Seinfeld's last episode aired and the day you found out Rosebud is just a sleigh. Plus the day you discovered Santa isn't real. All rolled into one, expanded, multiplied and fortified into the biggest bummer you've ever experienced in your entire life. I wish I could comfort you. But with the kind of trauma you've just experienced, it's impossible. Time is the only thing that will heal these many wounds. But I will helpfully remind you that if it doesn't kill you, you will be stronger. Probably. At least, that's what they say. And I saw it on a bumper sticker one time, so how could it be wrong? Now that you're well on the road to full recovery, I want to give you an update on the new lawsuit I told you about last Sunday, Me v God, Mother Nature and Ireland. But I can't. Because my stupid loser lawyers stupidly and loserly say I can't. About all I can say is that it keeps dragging on. They say it might go all the way till next Wednesday. Oh! There is something I can tell you about. During one of the pretrial conferences, I figured that since I was talking to a Judge anyway, I might as well get my age legally changed---If you watch TMZ, you probably saw the last hour-long special they did on me where they incessantly claimed that I'm not really 27. And they kept showing that clip of me saying, "NO COMMENT!!!!!!! YOU STUPID IGNORANT BLOOD-SUCKING JACKALS..." There was a bit more but you get the idea and cutting off there gets the censors off my back. Anyway, I get the last laugh because TMZ is now as officially wrong as I said they were. I told the Judge my problem and she said, "Sure, kid. Whatever." She then took a form from one of her desk drawers, signed it and handed it to me. "Just cross out Fishing License," She said, "and write in Official Change Of Age Certificate. Then write in whatever age you want to be and sign it right below my signature." So I did. And now I'm demanding that TMZ do a full retraction. That case goes to trial in November. I'll keep you posted. ~~~AMEN~~~