Am i a trash?

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These days,i gradually felt desperate.I talked with my Chinese friends in Social media.They thought i'm trash.Surely,they thought so have many reasons: 1,I'm not independent.I make a living by plucking the fruit in September with my parents.Other months,i never help my parents.I used their money to keep living. 2,I'm very lazy,i don't go to factory and fear to suffer from torture of the hard work.I always stay at home. 3,I only go out once every month for buying the necessities. 4,i only cook for parents once everyday,and i also eat once everyday.As for those leftover,i leave them to my parents. 5,I fail in learning driving,farming and plucking fruit.I can't do any technical work even just plant a tree. 6,I love to show off my poems and compare myself with John Keats,Van Gogh,Holderlin. 7,My poems are all rubbishes,it's too hollow and shallow. 8,Everyone in my village thinks i'm a psycho,trash and retard 9,I never prove myself in my country,No one thinks i'm a useful person.They call me parasite These are all the reasons why my Chinese friends thought i'm trash.Surley,i can't say something true to them.It's dangrous to me,also dangerous to them. I have to admit that i have some mental problems: 1,Autism,My head was hit by the little rock at my 6 years old.Since then,i become an autist.I fear people,fear sunshine,fear the smiles and whispers of others. 2,Delusions Of Persecution:i always fear i'll die abnormally.In fact,i was arrested twice by Chinese policemen for my speech.And my old twitter account was forced to delete because of my dissidences.It makes my delusions of persecutionget worse. 3,Insomnia:I have serous insomnia,i seldom sleep in the midnight.I always have many wild ambitions and yearn for the day i stand on the top of the glory.I wish i can get fame and respect in a night.Everyone will think i'm a talent.For that,i can't sleep.I spent all of my time on chasing the impossible dream that being a poet. 4,Anxiety:I always live in the fear and anger,hatred and pain.Because i can't publish my poems.The Speech Censorship is very serious.You'll be arrested or put into jail because of your dissidences in my country.That's very horrible.That's why i don't dare to show my works in my country and why Being a poet is an impossible dream to me.Without the speech freedom,i have to live in the fear of being persecuted for my thoughts,faith and words.How could i dare to be a poet with the free wings? 5,Pessimism:My mom is a retard,my dad is a vain farmer.And my family is very poor.So all my life,i live in the self-abasement.I don't dare to confess my love to the person i had a crush on,I don't dare to show off my talent in front of people.I fear i'll be persecuted by my government for my dissidences or extreme individualism. In these mental problems,i'm a totally loser and trash in people's eyes.I understand why they underestimate me.Because no one will think you're a great person unless you succeed in your lonely and heroic way to chase after the impossible dream. But after all,i really tried everyway to chase the dream,that's what i did: 1,Wrote 700 Chinese Ancient poems,300 Song Lyrics and 700 Love lyrcis. 2,Wrote hundreds of English poems,including Love poems,long poems and Haikus etc. 3,Wrote a romance novel about some girls and boys in the duel of the turbulent period. 4,Wrote a Chinese love play like "Romeo and Juliet" to show the love of two young lovers. 5,Wrote "Mint Leaves Collection",use 12 long English poems to describe 12 Chinese Ancient Love story. 6,Wrote some history stories and Philosophical thoughts to share what i got from the books and life. 7,Translated hundreds of Chinese Ancient love poems to spread the beauty of Chinese Ancient poetry. Surely,These things mean nothing if you can't earn money and fame from it.My Chinese friends just thought i'm waste my time on Impossible fantasy of being a great poet.They always thought i'm a parasite to my parents. The main thing is they think i have no right to grudge about my parents and this society.I have to look for the problems from myself.If i'm truly a talent,why would i live like this?So they call me trash. I can't say i fear the persecution to my speech of my government,I can't say want the free and democratic life.I can't say i really hate this unfair world.I can't say where my foreign social medias are. If i say these,My Chinese friends will kick me out and rat me out to Chinese policemen.If this time i was arrested,i'll go to jail.Surely,if i speak the truth,Chinese policemen can easily find me and catch me to the police station. I don't fear suicide,death or torment,i just fear my parents will be involved in the persecution to my speech.That's why i have to live in the desperate and hopeless world.I can't say loudly my dreams,my faith and my heart words. Sometime,Even i say,Chinese Social Media won't post what i say.Communist party totally controls everything.In front of this Leviathan,i'm too small,frail and meaningless.They can easily make me disappear without any trace and destroy all of my works. Now i'm really confused.I don't know if i'm a trash or not? I don't know it's my problem or this society's problems to push myself into the hellish life.I don't what i can do. I don't want to live like a parasite and make living by my parents' money.But in this totalitarian country,as a small and weak person,what could i do? I'm too weak to do hard works,i also have serious mental problems.I can't publish my poetry and speech freely.The terror and despair,the persecution and supervision are everywhere. I pray to God,to Buddha,to Fate,no miracle happens.I'm still a pure rubbish and parasite in my family,i'm still a psycho and retard in people's eyes. Am i trash?I don't know.Personally,i believe what i did is meaningful,there will be a day that i can see my dream come true.That's why i still live shamelessly,that's why i still fight as a mouse in the blind corner. How dou you think of what i said?Have you ever been misunderstood by people just because you're chasing after an impossible dream?