What role should in-laws have in your marriage
By imadriscoll
@imadriscoll (2228)
United States
December 1, 2006 12:46pm CST
Before having children I told my father-in-law that if he ever saw my children doing something wrong and I wasn't around that he should correct the child. Now I feel like sometimes my in-laws overstep this. Even if my husband and I are in the room and our children are being naughty, they (my mother-in-law more so) will jump up to take care of it. This drives me crazy!
On a couple of occasions my has walked away from correcting her son just to have her mother-in-law step in and tell her son something contrary to what she just told him. The mother-in-law does this behind her back.
Would you confront the mother-in-law or let it go?
1 person likes this
8 responses
@brokentia (10389)
• United States
2 Dec 06
Honestly, I would confront her. But I would do so by trying it in a tactful method.
"Umm, Mother-n-law (insert name), I do belive that mom (insert the mother's name) just told the child that she wanted him/her to....." Then, you are acknowledging to the mother-n-law that you heard the mother state what was to happen and that she is overstepping her boundaries.
I had this problem with my own mother for awhile. I learned, that I had to step in and just tell my mother, if I am present, what I say must be honored or my children will not listen to me even when you are not around...because they will get the message that what I say is not solid.
My mother was a little injured by this and was on the angry side. But with time, she came to understand my way.
It will not be easy to set it right. But honestly, it must be done.
1 person likes this
@tanyakapler (146)
• United States
2 Dec 06
well, i think you should confort her. cause if you don't she think she can continue to do it. I know it bothers me when my mother-in-law interferes. But your husband also has to say something!!
@brandsmcgee (8)
• United States
10 Dec 06
I think the husband needs to be the FIRST to say something. It isn't the wife's duty to do the confronting of her husband's mom. In-law relationships are already fragile enough. First and foremost, the husband needs to confront his mother. This may or may not be easy if you have a non-confrontationaly husband.
@jewel76 (2305)
• Canada
2 Dec 06
Me and my husband don't have children yet, but we have two dogs and live upstairs my in-laws. I've seen a preview of what it'll be like when we do have kids. We go downstairs with our dogs, and we've told my in-laws that we do not feed them table food, not to get them too fat. Every single time my father-in-law eats, he gives them some behing our backs! Wether it's fruit, bread, meat, cheese, fried stuff, just anything!! Once i was sitting at the kitchen table with my in-laws, we were having coffe and apple pie, and our dogs were bugging us for food...i kept on telling them no, to go away while we were eating..my father-in-law gave my dogs some apple pie, right there,in front of me!!! I was sooo mad, but was shy to say anything. My husband keeps on telling them,even sometimes fighting with them about it...i can only imagine when we have kids what it'll be like....
@imadriscoll (2228)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Jewel76, I really hope that you find a way to resolve this because if you don't get it under control you are likely to build a lot of resentment. I think your in-laws probably disagree with your rule about giving the dogs table food. So since they think a little won't hurt, no big deal. If you would say something they would probably think you're just overreacting. But imagine if your kids are begging you for a snack 30 minutes before dinner and you tell them repeatedly no. Then your in-laws give them a cookie, or an apple or whatever behind your back ... they end up getting too full and not finishing their vegetables at supper and grandpa is right there to say that it's ok and they can get down from the table. Here's the really good part ... an hour before bedtime your child is really fussy and hungry, so what does grandma do?? Back to the cookie jar!! I guaruntee the next night they go straight to the grandparents for the snack and you've been completely cut out of the parenting!
Do your best to nip it in the bud, especially with them being in the same house! If this happens once a year it's a lot easier to deal with then being underminded day in and day out.
@arman9890 (452)
• India
2 Dec 06
Yes you put hammer at your lewg now.. Never give responsibilities to those people who cant control their thoughts.. Not what is happening you are sufferning .. I know people dont think that.. Old man is like heel i think.. They always try to creat so many problems for you and i feel and evil and old people are same.. I am sure i also do like them when i wil be old(Evil)
@imadriscoll (2228)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Ok, you're a little off the hook here. I'm annoyed by my in-laws butting in here and there. But, they are great people and in the scheme of things I love them so very much! I think our relationship could be improved if we had more defined roles as to who has the right to correct our children and when. They are not evil and for you to classify all elderly people as evil you're being just plain rude and immature.
@bujjidhadha (115)
• India
2 Dec 06
in laws mostly be a nuisance from newly wed side but from the inlaws side they r more lovin and so everythin depends in the way we look
@tanyakapler (146)
• United States
2 Dec 06
but we are the parents and for them to go behind you back and correct you disipline confuses the child.
@rishabhsagar (130)
• India
2 Dec 06
I would confront it the very moment it happens. Not in front of the kids..as soon as she does it I would say "mom can I talk to you for a sec??" and try to let her know that I appreciate her helping but if i or hubby is dealing with the problem, it just causes confusion for the kid if someone else steps in."
@imadriscoll (2228)
• United States
3 Dec 06
I believe cinnabunch already said this and I appreciated very much her answer, but quit trying to rip people off with the copy and paste routine. Here's hoping you get caught!
@Penguinsangel (3498)
• United States
2 Dec 06
I think you should confront her, but I am not sure exactly how. I am not good at confronting people at all.
I mean its one thing to correct the child when you are not in the room, but your right there. There is no reason for her to be stepping in.
@jmespinosa82 (498)
• United States
7 May 07
This would be hard because you don't want over step boundaries and start tension when there shouldn't be. I would tell my husband to talk to them first because he would know more less how they would react. My inlaws are pretty good and my husband don't don't say much about my family interferring with our kids but then again we are more strict with our kids then most of our family and so they know that they must behave. I would talk to my husband first about it and see what he says and make a decision together on it.
