When kindness paves way for hurt....
By vanny
@vandana7 (100288)
India
March 29, 2023 1:05pm CST
Where do you draw the line, and how do you?
Ok...again, childless status. GRRRR. I am happy to be child free.
Very happy.
But........ well, I have enough, and these two house helps have been working hard ...what with aunt being sick and me overworked.
They are entitled to food at our place. They are delighted at that.
God has given me enough and I am glad I can pass it on to them. They are working after all.
But here came the offer...this morning, don't go to old age home, we will look after you? We will stay with you.
What do you do...tell them none of your business. I don't want you to stay with me. I didn't ask for your opinion. You are an uninvited guest. I am a nasty bit ch. All those responses rushed inside my mind.
But...
I need their services with aunt being helpless.
So I lamely said what would happen to your husbands....
They said we will alternate.
GROAN.
How do you tell people you don't want them around you?
Not to crowd you?
Wait to be asked?
Don't presume I am so helpless when I plan to go to old age home?
Inside my home...I like watching Hindi and English programs, listen to Hindi and English music ...sometimes Marathi. Now I will watch only Telugu programs. Listen to only Telugu music. Vernacular stuff I don't really identify with because I did not grow up here.
Even simplest of pleasures would not be mine! Give me a break...I need my space, my privacy.
Rant over...but if you can, please tell me a way out. I am fed up of people trying to force themselves into my life when I don't really enjoy their company.
14 people like this
13 responses
@Jenaisle (14078)
• Philippines
29 Mar 23
You have to tell them politely that you don't want to stay with them before they could formulate plans by themselves. Perhaps, you have a large inheritance that they could be eyeing? I/m not usually pessimistic but you should tell them now, so their minds can slowly accept the fact that you don't want to live with them. If they leave you now, then it would be better because you can find other helpers for your aunt.
3 people like this
@rakski (123126)
• Philippines
30 Mar 23
If for yourself, I know you can do it but since your aunt need help is another situation.
Sometimes we need to agree to something even if we do not want that because it will benefit the people around us. It is what it is unless you are willing to be the sole carer of your aunt.
Maybe you can have some limitations on how they work around the house, like a house rule or something like that
3 people like this
@LeaPea2417 (37355)
• Toccoa, Georgia
29 Mar 23
Just be honest and tell them they can't live with you and give the reasons.
3 people like this
@wolfgirl569 (106318)
• Marion, Ohio
29 Mar 23
Just politely tell them that your mind is made up
3 people like this
@vandana7 (100288)
• India
30 Mar 23
I told one of them that. She has accepted. I need to tackle the other one today. I am crossing my fingers that she has not fantasized too much about it, so as to try to force herself on me hook or crook. I need to find a solution around it Eva. I need others to understand our predicament and stop encroaching upon our personal space.
1 person likes this
@wolfgirl569 (106318)
• Marion, Ohio
30 Mar 23
@vandana7 Hope this one is good about it also
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100288)
• India
30 Mar 23
@JudyEv I told one of them that I am going to old age home...firmly, and you know what, she said we will see when the time comes....Jesus...so I told her I would rather die than have another person in my house. No comments.
The second one I tried to explain kinda this will cost me more than double of what I would spend in old age home. Since we cannot be sure how long we will live, we are better off saving some, and whatever remains can go to people whom we love. Subtly telling her ..well...you are not on that list. She seems to have gotten the message.
First one...I may have to tackle a few times...I guess...before baring my fangs of nastiness..
1 person likes this
@leighnyork (1880)
•
29 Mar 23
My advice is for you to open up and have honesty between each other. Communication is the key.
3 people like this
@sjvg1976 (41281)
• Delhi, India
30 Mar 23
They are people who want money not you. You should bluntly ask them that you do not need them forever, they are working at your home just because of your aunt. Who are they to say that you should not go to an old age home? They should be very clear about it.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100288)
• India
30 Mar 23
Exactly. How do they presume after being educated, and having worked for more than 30 years now, I would be stupid enough not to figure it out? How do they presume that in my 63 years, I have accumulated no obligations, and have no affections for anybody to whom I would like to leave decent sum behind? How do they presume that they are important enough for me when the alternative is clearly in sight?
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100288)
• India
30 Mar 23
@sjvg1976 Somehow wishful thinking always gets manifested this way. Remember I told you about 42 year old myLotter who troubled me about 6 years ago...he just wouldn't take no for no. We don't want to be rude, but if forced to be, we won't hesitate in saying that we don't trust or find the person boring. Whatever...not fun hurting ...hope god understands us.
1 person likes this
@xander6464 (44247)
• Wapello, Iowa
30 Mar 23
Take a political approach. Deflect. Change the subject and then bury it with double talk.
2 people like this
@vandana7 (100288)
• India
30 Mar 23
Will try this. At 63, don't you think I would have people whom I care for - obligations to clear? Am I a machine that went through life without caring for anybody? How can they do this to me? Its so frustrating ...people don't take no for no........they keep on pushing and pushing....and pushing... either themselves or their kids. Or ask directly or indirectly for properties, without any subtle aspect so that I get the message loud and clear. The word properties is clearly used. Whom are you writing the properties to? Is the property all for charities? Get what I mean? Is it any of their business?
There is a reason vanny fights. Fights with too many because there are too many such vultures around. At times I say to me, this is not me. At other times, I say to me, well... they deserve what is coming to them. I scream I don't want anybody ... I don't like kids. Truth is ...I don't want people who are encroaching. I like kids but do not need them.
1 person likes this
@xander6464 (44247)
• Wapello, Iowa
10 Apr 23
@vandana7 I totally understand your point.
1 person likes this
@DaddyEvil (137259)
• United States
30 Mar 23
I would gently tell them I've already made plans for my life after Dad passes away. I have a place to go and people to care for me already eagerly waiting...
I'm sorry they are thinking about themselves and not about you... 
2 people like this
@vandana7 (100288)
• India
30 Mar 23
DE I have a former colleague who has been helping us honestly with finances for the past 20 years. The guy is extremely honest so yeah, I have been banking on him to take charge of assets collect the rents, get repairs done, take some commission for it all, and pay my old age bills, and also manage to clear my obligations etc. With finances out of my mind, and Dad passing on, I think 80 percent of my workload would be gone. I just don't want to burden him for way too many years. As long as I am active and can do something, I will manage. Once things are beyond me, I will give him the charge. He is like a son to me. I helped him establish his business. Today he is richer than I. Hardworking sincere...there are two other honest people like that in my life. So yeah...I am not really helpless.
1 person likes this
@hora_fugit (5862)
• India
9 Apr 23
@vandana7 And here I thought I am going to get it all..... 
2 people like this
@DaddyEvil (137259)
• United States
30 Mar 23
@vandana7 I'm glad you have someone you can depend on later on down the line. You know I worry about you.
You know, if there is ever anything I can do to help, you just have to tell me.
You know, if there is ever anything I can do to help, you just have to tell me.1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100288)
• India
30 Mar 23
When I look for house helps, I have to consider
a. Quality of work
b. Whether they can adjust to my aunt's temperament, she is a tough person.
c. Timing of work
d. Number of vacations that the person is gonna take
e. Health of the person so that she is not getting sick too often
f. Age of the person since older women may find it tougher to cope. Aunt does ask for extra chores, and at 88 she is set in her ways.
g. Cost.
h. Honesty.
Too many factors that need to be considered. Not easy to determine. Will take at least three to four months to find a person.
1 person likes this
@LindaOHio (178701)
• United States
18 Apr 23
Just be polite and be honest. They are just trying to help I think.
1 person likes this
