In Pain

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Desperate , anxious and paranoid are things that can describe how I felt for now. Felt betrayed by my own decisions, hapiness and selfishness. Wayback during my childhood wearing white coat with stethoscope were once a dream I want to be. In the back of my mind I no longer have directions, it's like a flame that keeps on burning but because of turmoil that fire is slowly dying. Taking the big leap beyond that dream and now thinking of giving up and letting my innerpeace be heal from all those circumstances that keeps on banging in my head. Sleepless night of studying but most og being paranoid and anxious all the time. Gettng awaken in the middle of the night of early in the morning anxious and fridgthened from unknown. Mentally, physically, emotionally unstable and most of it spiritually in battle. Weak and can't even focus and understand during lectures, having difficulties memorizing and studying things I needed too. Been stocked to bad habits and own self, always againts the odd. Struggling to break those unecesarry thougths and overthinking. I can nolonger hold on and thought of quitting  telling myself why? why I am doing this? why things are so difficult to arrange? why there were peole who doesn't understand you? why were you judged and remembered despite of positive deeds? In besides you were once remembered by negative things you've done despite of the positive once. I am so heartbroken, so much in pain thag you can no longer bare with it, a person who retalliated and disobedient. Seeing myself in such pity and now javing the audacity to smile and pretend nothing happens. As the movie three idiots say "All is well", wanted to shout on top of my lungs that I want to be freed and renew.