It's not my problem any more

@dawnald (85139)
Shingle Springs, California
November 14, 2023 10:11pm CST
I should just forget about it and make my brain move on. What am I talking about? The guy I was dating until he broke up with me in February. He broke up with me because he was experiencing severe anxiety, trauma, nightmares, etc., after effects of an abusive relationship that he had been in. He thought he was OK to date again years later. No more nightmares or anxiety, and then we started getting close. It all started up again, nightmares, feelings of avoidance, thoughts that "it's all happening again", so he broke up. I had offered to work through it with him, with a therapist if necessary, but he chose avoidance. I don't mean that negatively. I don't know what he was experiencing, not viscerally. I don't know what he was feeling in his body, his emotions, etc. I mean it factually. He chose to avoid the problem by breaking up instead of working through it in hopes of making it go away in such a way that we could have a relationship. Not a criticism. An observation. Anyway... We broke up like 9 months ago, so why am I still going on about it? Well, things are getting better. I don't miss him as much. I have days when I don't think about him all the time. But last Saturday I went to the Veteran's Day event at our Veteran's monument. He was a Marine. One of the speakers was a therapist who works with people who have PTSD and moral injury. I may have been the only other person there who knew what moral injury is. It's when you have to do something that totally offends your moral code, and it messes up your mind, causes all kinds of shame and guilt, and sometimes veterans commit suicide because of it. Well, this lady has had a fair amount of success with groups of veterans working through it together. It's more effective when there are other people who have been there and who "get it". So anyway, I started thinking about my ex, and how, dadgum it, if someone could convince him to go and find the right group, he could maybe work through his trauma and eventually be able to be with someone again. I'm not saying me, but someone. Only I know that he's too consarned stubborn and convinced that he's "broken" and "ruined" to even want to try. Maybe he's afraid too, idk. But I can't even approach him with it. We aren't connected at that level any more. It's just not my problem. I have to let it go. Ugh.
12 people like this
12 responses
@AmbiePam (95721)
• United States
15 Nov 23
Letting go is especially hard when you know in your bones something could help someone if they just gave it a chance. I am glad that it sounds like you are healing though.
3 people like this
@dawnald (85139)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Nov 23
Getting there. I do miss him though. Not just the relationship, but the friendship. He can't even do that, although we do occasionally communicate on "business" (causes we have in common). I really value his opinion, but I don't get in touch unless I really have to, he seems to really need the space.
3 people like this
@Deepizzaguy (106024)
• Lake Charles, Louisiana
15 Nov 23
It is best to let dark events of the past behind and look forward to a brighter future.
2 people like this
@dawnald (85139)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Nov 23
Easy to say and hard to do.
1 person likes this
@jstory07 (141389)
• Roseburg, Oregon
15 Nov 23
@dawnald Very hard to do.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (170665)
• Boise, Idaho
15 Nov 23
It is sad how some people waste part of their lives by not getting help and healing. I think you both came together for a reason. Hopefully whatever is supposed to happen works for both of you. I think he is afraid and, until he wants to face and do some work he is not going to have much in the way of a happy and fulfilling relationship.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85139)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Nov 23
He has dedicated his life to certain causes, and I believe he doesn't want to distract from that
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (170665)
• Boise, Idaho
17 Nov 23
@dawnald ........Distraction isn't good.
@RebeccasFarm (91408)
• Arvada, Colorado
16 Nov 23
You could mention it to him though.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85139)
• Shingle Springs, California
17 Nov 23
I suggested it a while back and he did'nt respond, so suggesting it again probably not a good idea.
1 person likes this
• Arvada, Colorado
17 Nov 23
@dawnald Oh no probably not Dawn I get that.
@DaddyEvil (140231)
• United States
15 Nov 23
Letting go can be harder when you know the other person could get help but they just don't believe it... I hope you can let go now. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85139)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Nov 23
Trying...
1 person likes this
@DaddyEvil (140231)
• United States
15 Nov 23
@aninditasen (16554)
• Raurkela, India
15 Nov 23
You can't help someone when that person doesn't wants to help himself. Your ex wants to brood life long. So let him do so until he realizes.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85139)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Nov 23
"can't", I assume you meant?
1 person likes this
@aninditasen (16554)
• Raurkela, India
16 Nov 23
@dawnald Yes, I meant that. Help should be acceptable or it's futile going forward to help someone.
@BarBaraPrz (48330)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
15 Nov 23
Yes, it's not your problem to fix. And some people would rather stay with the pain they know than try something that might just possibly make it worse (they don't believe anything can make it better).
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85139)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Nov 23
Yep, he's convinced it's not fixable
1 person likes this
@much2say (56941)
• Los Angeles, California
15 Nov 23
I remember that guy. I do agree that if he could find the right support group, it might be a total game changer for him. But he has to want that for himself. It's not easy to let go . . . but sometimes it's just for the best.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85139)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Nov 23
Yup :-(
1 person likes this
• Philippines
15 Nov 23
Well, that's something he has to do. I think it's normal for you to think about him and be concerned but it's understandable that it's not your business anymore when it comes to his personal matters. You did the best you could.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85139)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Nov 23
Part of me wants to stage an intervention, but really I have to respect his right to make his own decisions about his life.
@jstory07 (141389)
• Roseburg, Oregon
15 Nov 23
Letting go is hard when you still care about him.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85139)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Nov 23
Very true
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (472430)
• Switzerland
15 Nov 23
I am sorry that you cannot approach him to offer help, but reading your post I think that the best you can do is to let it go.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85139)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Nov 23
Oh, I agree, but it sure does mess with my head.
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (472430)
• Switzerland
16 Nov 23
@dawnald I can understand this very well.
15 Nov 23
I'm happy that you love yourself.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85139)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Nov 23
some days, maybe.
2 people like this