My friend said it "doesn't occur" to her....
@VivaLaDani13 (60794)
Perth, Australia
May 11, 2024 7:38am CST
I have mentioned this friend a handful of times in the past. Some may remember. She's the one I met at the childcare course who I did a lot for over the years such as buying her many lunches and drinks when she claimed she had no money (she lied). She's the one I threw a birthday thing for at the resort, buying her a birthday cake, all her presents, dinner, breakfast and never getting a thank you. I could go on and on with all the things she has done that gave me a gut feeling that she's not a true friend.
I recently sent her and her mum flowers, chocolates and card as a family member passed away. (friend's pop / her mum's dad). So I am sad she's going through a lot and I've been checking in every day.
But there's this annoying feeling in my gut (like my instincts) that she's still not a true friend. I won't type everything out. Well not right now. Maybe another time to give the full picture. But the annoying part of my brain is thinking "Where was she when I thought my Pop was going to die or while he's been unwell? Where was she when my Nan was sick from covid, fainted and hit head on the kitchen tiles that left a pool of blood? Where was she when Charlie (dog) passed away? Where was she when I had to say goodbye to my Leilah (cat)? She's never really asked me anything about any of the tests I've had done or the results unless I prompt her in some way about it. Not to mention the insults about my being a bit older than her or insulting my intelligence that she knows upset me but she "finds funny" (her words exactly).
And the 3 - 4 times she has been there, it always comes with a price. It's never a "No, I'm your friend, I will be there. No need for money or buy me dinner" Nor a follow up with me to see if things are better.
I think about people too much. That's my caring nature I've always had but I can feel myself starting to get very hostile towards those who don't show that kind of care back in my dark times. It was late last year my friend and I had our first argument. And it was because I am getting tired of her attitude and realising that she hardly ever checks in with me, she's told fibs to make her life sound more sad than it is for attention which I don't like cause I stress too easily, she hardly thanks me for anything. It's a whole thing. I feel used and taken for granted and I realised, this girl knows nothing about me. She never asks anything about me, my family, my friends, my man. Nothing. I asked "Why am I your best friend?" She said "Because you always listen to my problems, check in, buy me things, take an interest in me." Like....her answer makes me feel good and bad. I feel good she's acknowledged I am a good friend to her but it's all about how I'm a good friend to her. She has nothing to say about who I am as a person that doesn't involve providing her things.
I told her that I am constantly asking her questions about everything that is her and taking an interest. But I asked her, "Do you know my mum's name? Do you know how she died? What's my favourite game? What are my interests? You never ask anything at all about Adam. (my man). You never ask the status of my goals. Yet I always ask everything about you. Because you're my friend and I want to know you." To which she made an excuse for everything.
"That's too personal. I didn't want to pry. That's your personal love life. I didn't want to make you sad. I didn't want to make you feel rushed."
So I asked her "Why do you never want to ask me questions about anything, even basic questions?" To which she said, and which contradicts her first excuses, "It just never occurs to me."
Maybe this may not make you feel the way it makes me feel because you don't know the whole story about all the things she's done that makes me feel like crap and taken for granted and used. Or does what I'm talking about give you vibes of not a true friend? She calls me her best friend but I can never call her mine because something doesn't feel right. I treat her like a best friend but she can rarely give me the bare minimum of what a friend does.
I honestly do get a narcissist, not true friend, being used, feeling in my stomach.
I pay for a lot, I always check in, always asking about her life, offering help, taking an interest in her interests, always talking about her and when I try to reach out it always goes back to her. Whenever she comes over, we go shopping and I'm left paying for everything and carrying all the heavy bags (never offers to help), hardly ever thanks me for anything I do. In the past instead of asking me to get her a refill of drink, (coke, tea whatever) she hands out her cup to me, not even looking at me, as if to say "More." She's 26 years old. She can't say "Please can I get...." No, she makes me feel like her slave.
I'm trying to be very understanding and knowing that not everyone is the same but I am getting more and more hostile with these type of people in my life because I've dealt with these types a lot. Whether I'm a family member, friend, girlfriend, in the past I'm always the more.... attentive one. But I feel alone and neglected and unappreciated by these types.
Does this make sense? I mostly just wanted to vent. Just feeling a bit angry in my heart from people who only seem to talk about themselves and never check in on others. Seems to be quite the handful in my life right now and it's been rough especially while I'm dealing with my own things too. I still make time. But where's the effort from them?
Is it possible to just change my attitude? For my sake. Still care but, become less attentive?
Thank you for reading.
12 people like this
10 responses
![](/Content/images/ajax-loader.gif)
@LadyDuck (467179)
• Switzerland
16 May
@VivaLaDani13 - You need to stay with people who make you happy. It's good if she makes you laugh, but other than that, she offers very little to you and finally you feel frustrated.
2 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60794)
• Perth, Australia
16 May
@LadyDuck You are correct 100%. It's something over time I seem to be feeling ok with letting go. In my mind I want to let her know completely what has been bothering me. I am a bit worried because when I calmly addressed some things, she turned it around by saying "I can't do anything right, you are always picking on me." I find that to be narcissist too because I have been nothing be gently letting her know what SHE has been doing to me that's been hurting me. But she's trying to spin it and deflect.
But otherwise, after everything, I am getting more and more intolerant. Especially after some bad things happening and her not wondering how I am. But I will check on her if she has a headache. I have been checking in on her a lot since her losing her Pop. But I still get that feeling of "Where was she?" during my dark times.
2 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60794)
• Perth, Australia
16 May
@LadyDuck My dad cannot stand her. He tells me he only keeps a friendly face for my sake. The only thing positive I can say about her is that she makes me laugh. But other than that, I have nothing. If anything for now, I think I just want to not expect much from her anymore and not be like how I used to be either. Don't want to be so available for her and generous. I know it's easier to just let her go. I think it's hard cause I don't have many friends. But who knows, maybe one day that won't even matter and I will disown her.
Thank you for your feedback on this. ![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
1 person likes this
![](/Content/images/ajax-loader.gif)
@snowy22315 (176745)
• United States
11 May
Get rid of her. Who needs "friends"like that?
3 people like this
![](/Content/images/ajax-loader.gif)
@snowy22315 (176745)
• United States
16 May
@VivaLaDani13 You're welcome. I guess you could always confront her with feeling exploited and point out specific examples and see what she has to say. My guess is she is very aware of what she is doing though..and will either get mad..or try to spin in another one. Like, what about the time I had to wait for you for 15 minutes at such and such? What about when you cancelled our plans? She probably senses that you need her more than she needs you and takes advantage of it
2 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60794)
• Perth, Australia
16 May
@snowy22315 You are very right in what you said because when I tried to calmly explain some things to her about things she's said and done that hurt my feelings, she did say sorry but very quickly turned into "I am always doing something wrong, you are always picking on me." I had to explain I wasn't picking on her. I was just letting her know she keeps doing similar things over and over that don't make me feel like I am her best friend. I couldn't have been calmer and kinder about addressing these things. She was trying to spin it. She even admitted to me that when I was explaining things online about how she was treating me, that she was ready to drive to my house to "beat the sh*t out of" me. Which upset me further and proved my point about her.
"She probably senses that you need her more than she needs you and takes advantage of it." What you said actually makes me wonder if that's true. I feel like you are knowledgeable of these types of people.
I have told her before that I am often feeling lonely and sad.
1 person likes this
@VivaLaDani13 (60794)
• Perth, Australia
16 May
@snowy22315 Getting rid of her is definitely being considered. It's a bit hard cause I don't have many friends but the fact I'm even considering ending the friendship speaks volumes for me cause I often tolerate a lot but I'm getting tired of losing so much of myself for the sake of others who don't deserve my kindness.
Thank you so much for your thoughts on this. ![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
1 person likes this
![](/Content/images/ajax-loader.gif)
![](/Content/images/ajax-loader.gif)
@marguicha (219877)
• Chile
16 May
@VivaLaDani13 I once had a "friend" like that for years. I accepted many things I shouldn´t until I said enough. I was happier after that.
1 person likes this
@VivaLaDani13 (60794)
• Perth, Australia
16 May
@marguicha I admire you for just letting them go. May I please ask, what was it that made you end the friendship? If it's too personal I will understand. I am just curious. Do you feel they were using you too?
@VivaLaDani13 (60794)
• Perth, Australia
16 May
@marguicha I really don't believe she is a true friend either. I'm truly struggling to see that in her.
Thank you so much for giving me your thoughts about this. ![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
1 person likes this
![](/Content/images/ajax-loader.gif)
@akalinus (42268)
• United States
11 May
It sounds like she is using you. You are not her servant. Friends should interact with each other.
Friends are often there for one another. I was there for my best friend when she lost a son and she was there for me when I lost a daughter. These tragedies cemented our friendship. We went on trips together, my friend, her husband, and I. Friendship is a game of give and take and truly caring about and helping each other.
Ask her why she does not call or take you out for lunch.
1 person likes this
@VivaLaDani13 (60794)
• Perth, Australia
16 May
@akalinus First I have to say, I am so sorry for your loss. I am so glad to know you had support during that time. And you're so sweet to have been there for your friend when she lost her son. And everything you said is exactly right. It shouldn't be one sided. Need to be there for one another no matter what and you're right, I'm just not seeing that side of her.
Thank you so much for your thoughts and suggestion. It is something I wish to talk to her more about. Thank you. ![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
1 person likes this
@akalinus (42268)
• United States
16 May
@VivaLaDani13 If she just doesn't understand, it might be better to just drift apart and only see each other occasionally. You have to give and take or it just does not work.
My family knows my best friend. We often talk on the phone together. They live in another state but have managed to visit sometimes, not often.
I am a lot like you, thinking about others before myself. It is part of my DNA.
1 person likes this
@VivaLaDani13 (60794)
• Perth, Australia
1 Jun
@akalinus I had another little talk with her the other day to explain it all once again and she was apologetic but at the same time she has given me that "I don't think I will ever change" talk as well.
Maybe it is something genuinely hard for her to do, I don't know and may never know but I know for me personally, it's not something that makes me feel good and that I want in a friend.
From here on out, I just view her as a friend who makes me laugh but I wouldn't feel comfortable opening up to her, counting on her to give me what I want in a friend, nor will I be so accommodating to her like before. It's better for me mentally this way.
I just want to give you a hug
because though I know we have great hearts and we mean well, sometimes it can hurt when people take advantage of it. I'm glad you have a genuine best friend.
![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
1 person likes this
![](/Content/images/ajax-loader.gif)
@2ndchances24 (7489)
• Cloverdale, Indiana
11 May
I fully get how you can feel the way you do, I don't think
your wrong for feeling like you do about people, I can't
blame you for feeling like you do either.
I would take a stand & ignore all them & never think
about them ever again I know that sounds mean &
harsh but it's no worse than what they have been
towards you, that's why I am towards people cause
they don't care about us.
I have bent over backwards for people & they don't
think to spend 5 mins to call to see if we're still kicking
or how we're doing, so I don't waste my time calling
them, that's why I say we have no family.
1 person likes this
@VivaLaDani13 (60794)
• Perth, Australia
16 May
@2ndchances24 It doesn't sound mean or harsh really. Really because when someone treats you poorly for a long time and / or doesn't give you what a true friend should be giving you like you give them, after awhile it becomes clear that everything you gave them wasn't appreciated or they were using you the whole time. And it's better to cut ties.
Thank you kindly for your time and input.
1 person likes this
@2ndchances24 (7489)
• Cloverdale, Indiana
16 May
@VivaLaDani13 I fully agree, we've had to cut ties with a
lot of so called "friends" that's the reason why we moved
so far away from family & friends, just cause of that.
1 person likes this
@VivaLaDani13 (60794)
• Perth, Australia
21 May
@2ndchances24 I don't blame you! It gets very very tiring doing so much for people only to be taken for granted or treated like trash. And they get angry at US when we start to become like passive aggressive with them! They don't seem to look at how their attitude caused us to become angry or withdrawn from them!
1 person likes this
![](/Content/images/ajax-loader.gif)
@VivaLaDani13 (60794)
• Perth, Australia
16 May
@grenery8 Exactly. I don't have many friends and if there's anything positive I can say about her, it's that she makes me laugh a lot. But milking me out as you said and not checking in and making fun of me sometimes etc really doesn't sound like a nice and true friend.
Thank you so much for reading and your thoughts on this. ![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
1 person likes this
@VivaLaDani13 (60794)
• Perth, Australia
1 Jun
@grenery8 Good on you for cutting her out of your life because you too do not deserve it! Thank you so much for sharing this story with me and for the kind words. ![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
1 person likes this
@grenery8 (7248)
• Croatia (Hrvatska)
17 May
@VivaLaDani13 you are welcome.thank you for opening to us here
also, I had a best friend like this in high school, thought she was my best friend but not a word after college and she owned me a money for a concert that we went, I paid and said you will pay me later,when your family has it cause,she had strange family affairs;not sure was she broke or just acted. One day I fekt mad due to that money owning, visited her and asked for the money. She was absent for 10ish minutes from the room,asking someone and I went away. I thought that was it. 2-3 years later, I had encounter when I was a prentice and a colleague said someone wants to see me and I went out,she was there, hugging me and giggling. She even found me on Facebook. In person,I acted along her crazy scenario but blocked her on Facebook. the best feeling was when she saw me again that year, it was an evening strolling, I ignored her. I remembered she pulled my arm quite hard, like she wanted to hug me but I resisted and continued my path. I wish her the worst and moral of the story is you deserve better, like me![](/Content/images/emotes/sad.gif)
![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
![](/Content/images/emotes/sad.gif)
![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
1 person likes this
![](/Content/images/ajax-loader.gif)
@VivaLaDani13 (60794)
• Perth, Australia
16 May
@AmbiePam I intend to speak to her more in depth about things. Bit nervous because when I last addressed things, I calmly let her know she was doing / saying things that were making me feel taken for granted and hurting my feelings. She tried to turn it onto me saying "You are always picking on me." So I don't know how my letting her know her actions were hurtful turned into me picking on her.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. ![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
![](/Content/images/emotes/jealous.gif)
![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
1 person likes this
@much2say (54804)
• Los Angeles, California
8 Jun
Oh Dani . . . I wrote a comment on your post about Leilah, related to this, and am working backwards here . . . believe me, I totally get it
.
I had so-called friends like this in the past - and in the end I had to get rid of them. They were all about me me me and admittedly I guess I catered to that more than I should have. Well we are human with needs, wants, thoughts and feelings too . . . somewhere down the line, these so-called friends have conveniently forgotten that. Or maybe "it never even occurred to them" - oh yah I've heard that before. Wow, how sad it just never occurred to them they were that thoughtless
.
These days, I just have no room in my heart or brain for these kinds of "friends". My time and effort will not go to such people anymore. If I see this red flag, this person will not be allowed to step beyond a certain boundary. I have to keep control of the situation for myself as self preservation. In my life experience, it took time and practice to get to this point and have full confidence about changing the attitude, so yes, it is possible!! ![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
![](/Content/images/emotes/glare.gif)
![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
@VivaLaDani13 (60794)
• Perth, Australia
16 May
@JudyEv Thank you for your thoughts on this. I really do feel in my gut she isn't a true friend. Thank you for taking the time to read and giving me your opinion. ![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
![](/Content/images/emotes/hugs.gif)
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (23236)
• Bangalore, India
21 May
Of all the good things, I don't like this in you. At all. Your overwhelming people-pleasing thing.
How about this? You create a personal scale of strikes. For example, say you have 3 strikes. If the other person does something that really hurt you or you find off-putting. They get a strike 1. After 3 strikes they are out. You are no longer obligated to continue the relationship and you can change the label from friends/lover/ any sort of relationship to acquaintance.
Now, this begs the question, do you get emotionally or financially invested in an acquaintance as well?
1 person likes this
@VivaLaDani13 (60794)
• Perth, Australia
23 May
@Daljinder I loved your answer because out of everyone here, you know me the best. And I know your answer is intended to show care and concern. So thank you.
I thought about this comment over and over as well as thinking about another question the other day and that is "Why do I do this?" And honestly, I both know and don't know.
I know that I do this because I like to make people happy and I feel sorry (empathy / sympathy) for people very easy. But I also know I am being taken advantage of and have done by many people.
So the only thing I don't know is the why I let it happen and continue the over nice thing when it only hurts me. For that I am unsure.
The only thing this girl brings to the table, is that she makes me laugh a lot and I have some company sometimes. Other than that, there's nothing.
![](/Content/images/loading.gif)