A Light Bulb Moment

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I recently did a review for the book The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo. I don't usually tab books like a lot of readers do. I've seen people hold up their books and there are a plethora of tabs. I could never understand it. I don't tab stories when I'm reading them. I'm not going to go back to the book. However, recently, I have tabbed in two books I read recently. In the case of Evelyn Hugo I only tabbed one quote. The reason I tabbed it is this quote meant something to me. For those who didn't read my review or haven't read the book, this quote is taken from the original narrator of the story. By original I mean, the person telling the story about Evelyn Hugo's telling of HER story. But the narrator has a story too. Her marriage ended recently. Here is the quote: ~~~~ "We don't have to give up on this." [says David, Monique's EX]. I sit down on the couch, fiddling with my hands as I think. Now that he says it, I realize what has made me so sad these past few weeks, what has plagued me and made me feel so terrible about myself. It isn't rejection. And it isn't heartbreak. It is defeat. I wasn't heartbroken when Don left me. I simply felt like my marriage had failed. And those are very different things. ... I had been reeling because I failed. Because I picked the wrong guy for me. Because I entered the wrong marriage. Because the truth is that at the age of thirty-five, I have yet to love someone enough to sacrifice for them. I've yet to open my heart enough to let someone in that much. Some marriages aren't really that great. Some loves aren't all-encompassing. Sometimes you separate because you weren't that good together to begin with. Sometimes divorce isn't an earth-shattering loss. Sometimes it's just two people waking up out of a fog. ~~~~ These words really affected me because they resonate so strongly with me, especially with my first marriage. I didn't want to end it and feel like a failure, because I failed... or he failed me. Now in my second marriage, almost 27 years in, I have the same feeling, except I don't want to be a 2-time failure. Sometimes we settle. Sometimes we think it's "the real thing". But how do we know what "the real thing" is? I know, at 61 years of age, that I have never felt the love that I want to feel. And don't say "deserve". Whose to say what I deserve or don't deserve? You're dang right I want to feel immense love in a relationship. I don't feel it and perhaps I'm not a good enough person to be loved like that. Just like Monique in the story, she didn't want to sacrifice for her husband by moving across the country for his job, I do not want to move to my husband's hometown when he retires. It's too far away from my children (and other reasons). And this is why we read books, whether we know it or not. A light bulb moment can appear for you, like a few have for me. This quote kicked me in the pants. I still have no answers.