My neighbor really needs help so badly, what to do?
By Marie Coyle
@MarieCoyle (38034)
November 2, 2024 10:04pm CST
I am sure some of you may remember I have a 90-year-old neighbor, Dale. His wife died of esophageal cancer 2 years ago.
He has one daughter, an instructor at our university, who says he killed her mother. This is ridiculous, she was bedridden for several years with cancer, and that's what she died from. But his daughter will not speak to him or help him. All he has is a few friends at the VA, and his neighbors.
He is really failing. He fell twice this week, once putting flowers on his wife's grave at the cemetery, he went down head first. Luckily, he said after he got his wind back, he was able to get up after an hour or so. No one else was out at the cemetery during this time. He goes there every day. The second time, he got out of bed too quickly and hit the floor. He has some big bruises, but luckily there is carpet in that room. He told me it took him several hours to be able to get up from the floor.
He still drives, but he shouldn't. He drives every day to get a lottery ticket, and a coffee, and then to the cemetery. Driving behind him is downright scary. I just know he is going to kill someone with that car, or himself. He is truly failing rapidly, he wasn't walking well before but now he is truly shuffling and tripping and falling. I talk to him when I can, and try to check on him. My neighbors, along with myself, wonder if we shouldn't call someone, like Adult Protective Services, to help him. None of us want to, as it would surely result in him at least being sent to assisted living. But we don't want him to fall and not able to get up, to break bones, and to possibly just stay on the floor because he can't get up, and then found deceased. I know that's possible with any person at any time, but he has no one...and I hate to be--well, a tattletale. I know he wants his freedom, but...he rarely eats no matter what--he says he isn't very hungry. He forgets to take his meds half the time. He forgets to change his clothes, or comb his hair, or whatever. He needs care, and the only people that seem to worry about him are his neighbors, of which I am one. It's just so sad.
Oh, we suggested a help button. He doesn't want one.
Should we call for him to get some help, or let him continue on this way? I realize we are not family, but we do care about what happens to him, and don't want him to be on the floor in agony for hours.
What do you think?
22 people like this
18 responses
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
3 Nov
He loved her for over 60 years. She was his best friend and his life.
4 people like this
@sallypup (61336)
• Centralia, Washington
3 Nov
Scary. He must have been terrified in those times that he fell. He must feel totally adrift without his beloved. I wish there was some one official to talk with but not give out exact details. My husband and I are without a relative's help. Even Meals on Wheels would be better than nothing- with that program, somebody brings food once a day and could notice if the man is okay.
5 people like this
@sallypup (61336)
• Centralia, Washington
3 Nov
@MarieCoyle Maybe call the area Senior Center and see if there is a volunteer program set up where folks call vulnerable seniors every day just to chat- of course really checking in but "just to chat." Some churches have programs like that, too.
4 people like this
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
3 Nov
We tried to talk to him about Meals On Wheels, he refused. That’s why we all try to give him dinners. He won’t come over to eat, he says he makes one of the meals I take him into two or three meals, he barely eats.
4 people like this
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
3 Nov
@sallypup
I know a couple that attends the same church he goes to. They are currently on vacation, but when they return I plan on asking them. Thank you.
2 people like this
@abhi_bangal (5523)
• Ahmednagar, India
3 Nov
In just a few sentences, Marie, you have painted the picture of all of us when we are helpless and what happens to us when we are old, weak, and there's no one to look after. I can really understand what you might be feeling when you see such a man with your own eyes. And we, as sensitive human beings, really want to not happen something untoward with anyone, especially with our neighbours.
I am assuming you know his daughter and might be aware of her temperament. What do you think how will she react when she comes to know that you as, good neighbours have interfered with their family? Yes that will be for a good cause. But still there is a corner in the mind that has doubts like the ones I am mentioning. This is a real dilemma.
I would be facing a similar dilemma if I had such a neighbour whom I wanted to help but would draw myself back thinking what their relatives would say. Or don't know what they will blame me with? God forbid, if anything untoward happens, who is going to be blamed and who will be held responsible in such a situation?
Also I am surprised how he, who forgets to comb his hair, or forget to take his medicines, drives a car?
2 people like this
@abhi_bangal (5523)
• Ahmednagar, India
3 Nov
@MarieCoyle It's really a sad story of your neighbor. I can't understand how there are such children who don't look after their parents, especially at this age.
It's all about karma!
@much2say (55670)
• Los Angeles, California
4 Nov
@abhi_bangal I can't understand it either. Sadly, my younger and only sister has become this way . . . she stopped helping my mother all this year. It's terrible, but as you said - karma!
2 people like this
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
3 Nov
Yes, he still drives a car, which is a concern to many.
No, the daughter has been notified and asked to help her father. She says she does not care what happens to him. I don't think she has a heart.
At this stage none of us are worried about what the daugher thinks. She hasn't talked to him for 2 years.
2 people like this
@crossbones27 (49525)
• Mojave, California
3 Nov
There is people like that everywhere, meaning kind of rare but every place has them. There supposedly experts. I would not mess with it if you do not know how guy is. some quite crazy I heard. Just here is a number you can call if you get in trouble. They say they respond the best if they feel they have freedom to choose. If you try to force anything they can go nuts in a minute.
5 people like this
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
3 Nov
I’ve known him for years. He is a very kind and sweet old gentleman. He never wants anyone to help him. The only thing I’ve ever been able to do for him is to give him dinner sometimes.
4 people like this
@crossbones27 (49525)
• Mojave, California
3 Nov
@MarieCoyle Ask him do you want to die? If he says yes, ask him if there is anything you can do to change his mind. Maybe make a few jokes but think we all know the answer. Some people just ready when they feel they have nothing left to offer this world. You can respect it for some, because they saw the world in most ways many did not, if their throwing a temper-tantrum, yeah they do not want to die they just overly mad at something.
3 people like this
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
3 Nov
@crossbones27
He is a very private person. I just do the best I can without invading his personal space.
2 people like this
@jstory07 (139774)
• Roseburg, Oregon
3 Nov
@MarieCoyle Try to go over and check on him every day.
2 people like this
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
3 Nov
Oh, we have each other’s phone numbers and have had for years. He doesn’t like phone calls so I usually just go over to his place, he is my close neighbor.
3 people like this
@LovesEverybody (4394)
• United States
3 Nov
@jstory07 that is an excellent idea to get his phone number. i would call just to talk and see if there was anyway possible to help him
2 people like this
@rakski (124489)
• Philippines
3 Nov
@MarieCoyle she does not have a heart at all.
2 people like this
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
3 Nov
The daughter is, well, extremely intelligent and not a very kind person. At least, that’s how she comes across to me.
2 people like this
@snowy22315 (181221)
• United States
3 Nov
U think at a minimum he needs a medic alert bracelet. He sounds like a good candidate for assisted living though really. APS would have some good ideas.
2 people like this
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
3 Nov
It's very concerning that he may hit someone with his car. He simply should not be driving.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (137061)
• India
3 Nov
Reaching out is need based no matter what the daughter says. You guys are doing a great job.
2 people like this
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
3 Nov
We are trying to do things quietly and be subtle, so as to not hurt his feelings. Thank you.
2 people like this
@LadyDuck (471766)
• Switzerland
3 Nov
@MarieCoyle - I invited my neighbor a few times to come join us for lunch, but he is very private. I see him in the morning in the kitchen when I go out to feed the cats.
2 people like this
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
3 Nov
That’s why I hesitate. The one thing in life he lives for is going to the cemetery every single day. I honestly think it will kill him faster if he can’t go there every single day. It’s very important to him.
2 people like this
@wolfgirl569 (107025)
• Marion, Ohio
3 Nov
Maybe all of the neighbors could set up a visiting schedule to check on him several times a day. Also you know what time he heads to the cemetery so if he isn't back can call to have him checked on or go check on him.
2 people like this
@wolfgirl569 (107025)
• Marion, Ohio
4 Nov
@MarieCoyle Then it might be time to talk to senior protective services. Maybe they could set up checks on him
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
4 Nov
@wolfgirl569
I just wish his daughter would realize his days are truly numbered. But she is stubborn.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
3 Nov
The problem is, he does this in the daytime. I am not always free to do checks as I am gone quite a bit with son for his treatments, etc. Others nearby have jobs, commitments, etc. and the two people I know of who are usually home all day, one is in a rehab from a surgery, and the other is in Hawaii.
2 people like this
@JudyEv (340653)
• Rockingham, Australia
3 Nov
I don't usually like to comment/advise on a post like this but I do think someone needs to get help for your poor friend. If his driving is so bad, imagine how bad you'd all feel if he had an accident and hurt/killed someone, let alone himself.
2 people like this
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
3 Nov
His daughter does not care. She told me, and others, that. She has not spoken to him in 2 years.
2 people like this
@LindaOHio (179874)
• United States
3 Nov
You definitely need to call APS. Aside from the fact that he is falling, not eating, etc. he could kill someone when he drives. I hope you make the right decision. Have a good day.
2 people like this
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
3 Nov
Yes, it's very concerning. My other neighbor and I are going to call together on Monday to see if APS can come. Thank you.
2 people like this
@RevivedWarrior (2329)
• India
3 Nov
Thats sad to hear. It would be better to call the protective services and see if there could be an arrangement , where he can stay at his home and have his freedom instead of being in an senior citizen orphanage or care facility. Plus, you can mention he is highly sensitive on the matter. At hat age, someone should be with them and caring. Given his circumstances , that would be tough. Wearing a smart watch and connected to one of you neighbours would also help. In case of an emergency he can reach out through the smartwatch and one of you could keep a watch on the person through the smart watch as well. It would be tough not to do anything , when you know certain possiblities. You have a good weekend!
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
3 Nov
Dale has never used the internet and doesn't know how. He would be totally against a smartwatch, even if someone got him one.
I wish he would get a ''help, I've fallen and I can't get up'' button, we've discussed it but he won't do it. He is a stubborn old coot, but we all care about him. Thank you, I hope you have a good weekend, too.
2 people like this
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
4 Nov
It is, for sure. We are working to try to help him if we can.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
16 Nov
Some people are really stubborn. But at least he is accepting help now from the VA guy who has been trying to help him with some things.
@much2say (55670)
• Los Angeles, California
4 Nov
This is a tough one. It's really a shame his only daughter feels the way she does. He definitely needs a lot of help, but from reading the comments, he seems prideful in being independent (though it may not always be for the best). You are all wonderful for looking after him, but I realize as neighbors it is a huge undertaking to take on such responsibility for him. Definitely some kind of intervention needs to take place before he hurts himself or possibly someone else. The trick is making him agreeable to it . . . if only somehow it could be done so he thinks it's his idea.1 person likes this
@much2say (55670)
• Los Angeles, California
5 Nov
@MarieCoyle I'll bet everyone who knows Dale is worried for him . Glad you were able to reach out to his church friend . . . hopefully he can get him to make some changes.
. Glad you were able to reach out to his church friend . . . hopefully he can get him to make some changes.1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
6 Nov
@much2say
His church friend called me earlier to say he is going to visit with Dale tomorrow, and he won't be telling Dale that I had asked him to help. They have been friends for many years so hopefully they can visit and his friend can find out some things just through the visit, before he brings up wanting to help him. Dale is one of the most stubborn men on earth. He never wants any help (well, he will take dinners when I bring hi one!) he thinks he should be able to do everything himself. And at 90, he just can't anymore.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
5 Nov
I talked with an older fellow he is friends with at his church. He has been worried about him, too. He is going to take Dale out to dinner this week and put out a few feelers about what kind of help he can offer without Dale’s objections. He is going to try to help him if he can.
1 person likes this
@RasmaSandra (80203)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
3 Nov
It is hard to say, I don't know how he would be happier on his own or in a home but I think you should figure this out somehow or talk to him because one day he will fall and might never get up again, I tell you too bad the distance if I lived nearby I would be more that glad to accept him as my great-grandfather and offer my help anyway I could,
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (38034)
•
4 Nov
That's so sweet of you, Rasma. I have ''adopted'' several people into my family over the years, and been adopted into some others as well. I am hoping to talk to him tomorrow evening if at all possible. Thanks so much.
1 person likes this
