It's Your Choice...
By LindaOH
@LindaOHio (186916)
United States
March 3, 2025 1:46am CST
I've agonized for days and day as to whether I should make this post or not. It's said that you should not speak ill of the dead UNLESS the decedent hurt someone. Well, my husband hurt me deeply and I felt the need to contradict the glowing words I have said about him over the past year.
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW, STOP READING NOW!!!
I've told you how much I loved him and what a good guy he was. This was in spite of the fact that in the first half of our marriage I was 99.9% sure he had an affair or several affairs over a year-and-a-half period. Turns out I was right. There was just too much evidence. My mistake, and I don't know why I didn't do this, was not sitting him down, telling him that I knew he was cheating and make him confess. When I would ask him about various things I found, he vehemently denied cheating and would always have an excuse for whatever it was. I should have not let this rest; and I should have aggressively asked for answers.
I have carried the knowledge of this for more than 30 years. I've thought about it every day. I kicked myself for not forcing him to 'fess up. He has a friend who really likes me a lot. I called him and asked him about my husband; and he confirmed that he had cheated (he had names) once and that my husband told him he had at least 2 or 3 more affairs. He also told me about some really strange and kinky things that he asked him to participate in...some included me. If only I would have asked him before my husband died. I wonder if he would have told me then or if he would be afraid because my husband would definitely know where the information came from??? It's frustrating because I can't confront my husband and tell him that I know everything.
I hope I don't lose any of my dear friends here over this. I felt that since you had my husband up on a pedestal, it wasn't fair for me to let you continue thinking he was a great guy. I am still crying over this. I may never get over it.
I still love him, I miss him; and I probably would have forgiven him; BUT I never would have forgotten. He's a cheater. The fact that we got really close the older we got and we had some really good times doesn't change the fact that I didn't deserve to be treated this way. I would love to know why he did it. His friend said that my husband didn't like overweight women...and I was overweight. Could be the reason..
Well, that's the story. I've left out the details because some are really shocking. I hope I don't lose your friendship over this and you will support me in trying to get over my devastation. My world was shattered.
I love you all. 
Photo Credit: Pixabay
Photo Credit: Pixabay42 people like this
35 responses
@DaddyEvil (145929)
• United States
3 Mar
Nobody deserves to be cheated on and you haven't lost my friendship. I will always support you in whatever you need. 
17 people like this
@vandana7 (101682)
• India
4 Mar
I think most people cheat...if not on physical plane, at least on intellectual plane.
We meet so many people....it is a rare person who will not feel anything for another person.
Personally, I would not trust or even like a person who is physically loyal to me, but deserts me every time I need his or her help. I expect the person to be there....like a rock...but my needs differ from those of others. Like that people differ...all is good...all is acceptable.
7 people like this
@LindaOHio (186916)
• United States
4 Mar
@DaddyEvil Thank you. I'm angry and hurt but I also love and miss him. It makes for a very hard row to hoe.
4 people like this
@BarBaraPrz (49343)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
3 Mar
We're good. It's not your fault for loving an imperfect being. Hugs.
10 people like this
@BarBaraPrz (49343)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
4 Mar
@LindaOHio So remember those and forget the other.
4 people like this
@LindaOHio (186916)
• United States
4 Mar
Thank you BarBara. I'm just glad that most of the 58 years were good.
5 people like this
@LindaOHio (186916)
• United States
5 Mar
@BarBaraPrz Maybe, with time, I will be able to.
2 people like this
@wolfgirl569 (114732)
• Marion, Ohio
3 Mar
Still friends here. No one should be cheated on. I understand you are hurt to now know for sure. But you had many good years with him and I hope you can remember those more over time.
11 people like this
@LindaOHio (186916)
• United States
4 Mar
Yes, I'm glad that most of the 58 years were good. It's just hard to handle two whammies in a month's time.
5 people like this
@LindaOHio (186916)
• United States
4 Mar
Thank you, Judy. I think if I could have confronted him, I could have forgiven him and been at peace. Not being able to get closure is very frustrating.
4 people like this
@LindaOHio (186916)
• United States
4 Mar
Thanks, Chicaa. 58 years. I'm glad most of them were good.
5 people like this
@LeaPea2417 (37758)
• Toccoa, Georgia
3 Mar
Linda, this is shocking but I will always value you as a friend. I know I repeat myself a lot but seriously you are in my prayers.
6 people like this
@Juliaacv (53123)
• Canada
3 Mar
You have not lost my friendship.
It is you, not him, that I had put up on a pedestal if you will.
And I still marvel at what great lengths you went to during that final year of his life.
I am very sorry that this has come to true light during your time of grief, my heart goes out to you for that.
Now you grieve for the truth learned as well as for his passing.
As much as this must pain you terribly and hurt, please try not to dwell on it, life is hard enough.
Now you grieve for the truth learned as well as for his passing.
As much as this must pain you terribly and hurt, please try not to dwell on it, life is hard enough.9 people like this
@Juliaacv (53123)
• Canada
4 Mar
@LindaOHio You are a very kind, fun and interesting friend, do not let his errors change that in you.
Continue to be you, that is who I enjoy.
5 people like this
@LindaOHio (186916)
• United States
4 Mar
Yes, having two whammies in the course of a month is really hard. I'm torn between loving and missing him and being angry, hurt and betrayed. Thank you for your kind words.
5 people like this
@Dreamerby (7874)
• Calcutta, India
5 Mar
@LindaOHio writing about it could help. Your feelings are valid, but he likely wouldn't have admitted it if confronted, and your friend wouldn't have spoken ill of him while he was alive.
2 people like this
@RasmaSandra (84107)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
3 Mar
Virtual hugs and so sorry you had this burden to bear. Having said that believe me he knows his fault now more being in the other life than in this one. Do not keep dwelling over this just go on with your life. Someday you will meet again and then you can ask him about it all. I know that his is not easy but thinking about it over and over will make it harder. Deep breath and forwards and make the best of the life you now have alone. Lots of love and blessings heading your way.
6 people like this
@vandana7 (101682)
• India
4 Mar
Asking it might have ruined the relationship completely...starting afresh is not always easy. Especially for women because we are more emotional species. We have invested so many years into a relationship, and the slate needs to be wiped clean...a new person has to be given space, assessed...positives negatives ..and what we may not have been ok with adjusting in previous relationship, we tend to adjust ...as time runs out on us......nah.....I actually forgive him.....he is just human...and I understand Linda...she is brought up with mind conditioned into believing fairy tale endings.
6 people like this
@andriaperry (118722)
• Anniston, Alabama
3 Mar
I will always be your friend! Your marriage has nothing to do with our friendship, however, I am feeling your devastation and I know how I would feel also.
Yes, what your husband did was wrong, and you know what? The man that told you is also wrong! Why? You said the friend liked you a lot? Then why did he not tell you about all that a long time ago? Your husband is gone and cannot confess nor deny what he told you. I would NOT trust that man.
What matters is that YOU were a good woman to your husband and stayed faithful.
The past is the past, you have to let it go because you can't change it, don't allow anyone to steal your joy for life and as I see it, that friend is doing just that, taking your happiness and turning it into bitterness.
You have another chapter of life before you, you go and you live a wonderful new life! I know it's hard but remember that God has your back and wants you to thrive!
So brush the past off your shoulders, pull up those big girl panties and go and do whatever makes you happy.
I love you back Linda
10 people like this
@LindaOHio (186916)
• United States
4 Mar
Thank you, Angie. If his friend had told me before, my husband would have known where the information came from. However, I should have asked before too. I wish I had.
4 people like this
@arunima25 (89808)
• Bangalore, India
3 Mar
It's not easy to get over such things. I can feel what a turmoil you would have faced and are still facing. Your being overweight doesn't justify his cheating. I am sure that there were things that you didn't like about him and you still stayed loyal in the relationship. So, don't ever let that idea seep in that if you were slim and more gorgeous, he would have not cheated
You are wonderful the way you are
And you have not lost my friendship. I am feeling good that you could at least talk your heart our to us. Friends don't judge, they just give listening ears. Take care
And you have not lost my friendship. I am feeling good that you could at least talk your heart our to us. Friends don't judge, they just give listening ears. Take care7 people like this
@MarieCoyle (42895)
•
3 Mar
I know it took a lot for you to write about this here. No one who is your friend is ever going to judge you or throw away a friendship for something like this. Not ever.
In life there are times when people make foolish choices. Why, we will never know. What hurts is when someone who loves them finds out. But it happened. You can't change what's already happened, all you can do is move forward. No matter what, we never really know why people do the things they do sometimes.
We watched you daily try to help him, advocate for him, and do your very best to supply all of his wants and his medical needs. You wanted him to be better with your entire heart and soul. It was not to be, and that is certainly not your fault.
What he did was wrong, of course. And then not being honest with you when you asked, was not right either. He had a chance to tell you about it and work it all out, and he didn't do that. We've all heard, ''I can forgive, but I can't forget'' which is oh, so true. We can eventually forgive a lot of things, because we need peace in our hearts. But the memory doesn't leave us, ever. It's the best we can do. You said the latter part of your lives together, you were in sync and enjoyed your time with each other. Try to remember those times...push them to the front.
I know your presence here and the friends you have made here are a big part of your life. You can't change what happened, not ever. The past is the past, we don't get a do-over on things, All we can do is accept them. I know it hurts, but you can't fix it. The only thing you can do is to try to make peace with it all in your head, which will take a bit of time. It's OK to feel all the feelings you are going through.
7 people like this
@LindaOHio (186916)
• United States
4 Mar
58 years is a long time. I'm glad that most of it was good. Thank you for your kind words.
2 people like this
@snowy22315 (188028)
• United States
3 Mar
I am sorry it happened, but ruminating about it at this point in time is only going to be hurtful. I really hope you can let it go, and let the past be the past. We all made good and bad choices in our lives, but what's done is done. He stayed with you so obviously he loved you, and didn't want to leave. That's something.
.6 people like this
@LindaOHio (186916)
• United States
4 Mar
Thank you Snowy. Most of the 58 years together were good. That's the only reason that I would forgive him.
3 people like this
@rebelann (113817)
• El Paso, Texas
4 Mar
No worries, you won't lose this friend for sure.
Sometimes it's really hard to confront a loved one when those kinds of things are happening and I get why you're just now dealing with it, it's how many women in our age group were raised. When I was in my late teens my mom would always say that when I got married (I didn't) I should expect my husband to cheat because it's human nature for men to do that. Most young women nowadays are so much smarter
5 people like this
@LindaOHio (186916)
• United States
4 Mar
Thank you for your kind words. Everyone who knew my husband would never think of him as a cheater. I'm just glad that the 58 years together were mostly good.
3 people like this
@LindaOHio (186916)
• United States
5 Mar
@rebelann As we got older, we got closer. I think he mellowed over the years, plus he was physically unable to cheat.
2 people like this
@FourWalls (73788)
• United States
3 Mar
I’ve seen way too much of that in my family. I would tell you not to beat yourself up over it, and make sure you forgive yourself first for how angry you feel at yourself (not him). Remember, you’re the victim, not the guilty party.
Love ya.
5 people like this
@LindaOHio (186916)
• United States
4 Mar
Thank you. We had 58 years together; and they were mostly good. I know he loved me very much which makes the cheating harder to bear. But we grew closer in the last half of our marriage. I hope he regretted what he did. Love you too.
3 people like this
@Melanie_Marie (2024)
• United States
3 Mar
Hook up with his friend.
Even the score.
5 people like this
@vandana7 (101682)
• India
4 Mar
@LindaOHio If he told you that, he is no friend of your husband. Or yours either. What is to be gained? If he likes you would he have let you hurt further?
The word "inappropriately" says it all.
3 people like this
@LindaOHio (186916)
• United States
4 Mar
His friend is married. I'm not going to commit adultery just to "even the score". His friend really likes me, inappropriately so. I keep trying to remind him that he's married and loves his wife. Thank you for responding.
3 people like this
@Dreamerby (7874)
• Calcutta, India
3 Mar
We are always here. Just remember, cheating is a choice. He made that choice. There are no excuses to cheating. You being overweight has nothing to do with it. Just like some people are addicted to smoking or drinking, some are addicted to cheating as well.
5 people like this
@vandana7 (101682)
• India
4 Mar
If a person likes the wife 80 percent, and for the balance 20 percent he tries outside, I would forgive...not consider it important. If, however, he strays, and does not return, then I would be all hammer and tongs. You cannot hurt a person which damages his or her heart and mind...that eventually affects other physical functions. That is pure sin.
4 people like this
@LindaOHio (186916)
• United States
4 Mar
No one who ever knew him would think of him as a cheater. That's what's so hard to handle. I'm glad that the 58 years together were mostly good. Thank you for your kind words.
3 people like this
@Dreamerby (7874)
• Calcutta, India
4 Mar
@LindaOHio I understand. Appearances are deceptive. I hope you can stay strong and live happily for yourself
1 person likes this
@Beestring (15227)
• Hong Kong
3 Mar
I am so sorry to hear this. Hope you remember the good times and let go of the bad.
6 people like this
@LindaOHio (186916)
• United States
4 Mar
Of the 58 years together, most of them were good.
3 people like this
