Loss of a baby...how to cope
By jewel76
@jewel76 (2305)
Canada
December 2, 2006 7:08pm CST
My best friend lost her baby about a month ago. It was her first pregnancy, and it had taken quite some time before she became pregnant. Everything was going well, until she started her fifth month; out of the blue, on friday october 13th, her water broke. She was rushed to the hospital by her father, and found out she lost all her water. The doctors told her they could nothing, and since the baby wasn't all developped (his lungs weren't fully developped, amongst other parts)she had to end her pregnancy. My friend went insane...the pain that she felt was and is still unbearable. The doctors asked her if she wanted to see the baby, after she'd given birth, but she refused. She just wanted to get out of there and forget about it. Of course, it wasn't going to work this way...They then told her she should take the pictures they took of her dead baby with her. She didn't want, and her husband objected as well, thinking his wife had been through enough already. But the hospital staff told them it was a good thing for their grieving. Anyhow, they told her they'd keep them in a box, for 10 yrs, and she could get them whenever she was ready. They only insisted on giving her two items before she left the hospital; the bonnet they usually put on a newborn's head, and the baby's death certificate. My friend just lost it. Screaming and crying, they had to give her sedatives, as her husband watched through tears. Now, it's been a month, but she still cries (obviously) and is debating wether she should get those pictures or not. What do you think? Will this really help her deal with it? Or will it make things worse? Any thoughts will be appreciated.
5 people like this
45 responses
@jediwa72 (204)
• United States
3 Dec 06
to begin, i couldn't even imagine having to go through this or make these sorts of decisions. there is a christian song by natalie grant called held...this story makes me instantly think of this song. there's no magic cure or anything that can just totally ease her pain...she has lost a child and will never forget that. i don't think the pictures will help it is only making her rewind and live through that again. i think one way to help may be just to make a photoalbum of pictures of your friend during her pregnancy...the joys of it all. there are no words to ease a loss of this degree. i hope your friend can find peace somewhere and maybe someday be able to have another opportunity at being a mommy if she is not already.
@dawnm72174 (11)
• United States
3 Dec 06
There is also a song called "My Name" by George Canyon. He wrote it after a friends wife experience a miscarriage. You can read the lyrics here: http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/canyon-george/my-name-14156.html
I had my miscarriage last year and this song helped me in an odd sort of way. Here's a clip of the song: http://mfile3.akamai.com/14123/wm2/muze.download.akamai.com/2890/us/uswm2/_!/141/379141_2_11.asx?auth=daEb_aTc7d5dgd4cgb7aCb4cMapadcFaqdm-bfC1Br-Ci-ddfdl&aifp=1234&obj=v61017
@remaster74 (4064)
• Greece
3 Dec 06
She will be driven mad. Don't you let her take the pictures. Let her barry the child in her mind and soul. No one can really help her. She was the one that she was feeling that baby, that she was hearing the bits. I think she will get over it with the time. But it will be a wood that will always hurt her.
@dawnm72174 (11)
• United States
3 Dec 06
I disagree. The photos may hurt her now but, as time passes and she begins to heal, the photos may help her. As a mom who's lost babies both during pregnancy and after, in my personal experience, the regrets of not having more pictures far outweigh the benefits of declining them all together.
@emisle (3822)
• Ireland
3 Dec 06
Things will get easier in time. My aunt and uncle lost their son, Michael, when he was 2 months old. They already had 2 daughters at the time. They have a kind of photo frame where everyone's individual picture is, and his is in there too. I think getting the pictures and dealing with the grief will be a lot healthier for your friend in the long run.
@infoman (98)
• United States
3 Dec 06
My wife specializes in exactly what your situation is.
Counselling, talking openly to friends and family and remembering are the most important things.
Tears tears and more tears will be flowing through the process and it will hurt and will always hurt a bit.
Never forget, pictures are valuable and should be used in the healing/remembering process. Validate the child and then move forward from their.
My wife would be able to tell you more, but she doesn't do forums.
@wahmoftwo (1296)
• United States
4 Dec 06
I think that someone should get them if she doesn't want to. She could change her mind later. If someone else has them she wouldn't have to see them, but she would always have the opportunity.
She has my deepest sympathies. I have always feared losing one of my children. I don't know if I could handle it.
@krysy1982 (1041)
• United States
4 Dec 06
I have also a baby. The heart just stopped for no apparent reason. It is an awful thing to go through. Pictures may be good but It depends on if she is ready to see what she lost.
@Beautiful_Nightmare (1337)
•
4 Dec 06
Wow that must be a terrible thing to go through. I can't say I know how she feels because I haven't been there so I'm possibly not the best eprson to be giving advice but to be honest, I think all she needs is time. Time to let it sink in what has happened. She'll need support from friends and family though and perhaps spoiling i.e. a day of shopping or luxary pampering so at least she can take her mind of things until it sinks in.
@gloria777 (1674)
• India
16 Dec 06
Noted the plight of your friend. She need to be get good counselling. And ofcourse lot of care and affection so that she can forget the past.
@rufojr (94)
• Philippines
4 Dec 06
Losing a baby and losing someone is just the same. WE all experience it one way or another. Its sad to hear about your experience. They say that the coping period is usually 6 months. I always believe that time heals everything. I will pray and wish for you that time will come that you can be happy again and let go of the past.
@finders (56)
• Indonesia
4 Dec 06
It hard to say , the first child is really ..really a gold for a parent who has difficulty get a child . Like my experient , time step very slowly when my wife get cesar operation . I prayed for the save of my first child . There were a lot of failure operation in that hospital , include my wife roomate who didn't success in operation cause of her Baby drunk alot it's water . I've nothing to say but only be patient and close to God . Maybe God will give you a new baby in a future . God bless you ........
@teddyberry82 (654)
• United States
16 Dec 06
this is so very sad. I would want the pics to look at later. I will always regret if I didnt get the pictures of my baby. She needs the pictures even if she only looks at them years from now. She will want them.
@judy_lozon (143)
• United States
4 Dec 06
WELL 20YRS. AGO I LOST MY BOY HE HAD ONLY LIVED FOR 5 MINS. THAT WAS THE HARDEST THING I EVER HAD TO DEAL WITH .THEN I GOT PREGNANT THREE YRS. LATER AND ALMOST LOST MY DAUGHTER. BUT SHE WAS HEALTHY. BUT HOW TO COPE I REALLY DON;T KNOW CAUSE I MISS MY SON EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE. I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT HE WOULD OF LOOKED LIKE; DRIVE BE IN LOVE. I JUST COPE WITH THIS LOST EVERY DAY THE BEST I KNOW HOW ,FOR WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT DEALING WITH PAIN. I FEEL FOR YOUR FRIEND.
@BellasmamaTiff (2544)
• United States
3 Dec 06
I too miscarried my first baby, and also my daughter's twin during my pregnancy with her. I miscarried my first at almost 4 months, and my other twin at around 2 1/2 months. I cannot imagine being 5 months along and having that happen, nor could I imagine having a still born baby. My prayers are with your friend, I honestly remember how much pain I felt, and still feel, for the loss of my children, but, we always have to remember that these things happen for a reason. God has a plan, and these things all happen according to his plan. In the end, this will make her stronger. Although, right now, it seems as if the pain will NEVER go away. Huggers to her, and let her know MANY people are praying for her.
@caj1202 (162)
• United States
3 Dec 06
The feelinga and the thought of it needs healing and sometimes, it depends on the person how he helps himself and how always it's ouw own perspective on things and events that will help us. As for me, i believe that, if we are in God and our life is submitted to Him, He controls all the circumstances in our lives...and I believe that all that we have and we have had -0 "THE LORD GIVETH AND THE LORD TAKETH"
@cam3leon (427)
• Romania
3 Dec 06
well im not an expert in this cases but i think she shouldnt watch those pictures...well ...she must gain her strenght back and with the help of her husband ..togheter must put an end to this story...even if this is a sad one and try to get pregnant again...and i hope they wont pass trough a moment like this ever
@mkirby624 (1598)
• United States
3 Dec 06
I'm so surprised that the hospital was so insistent on her taking these things when it was clear that the thought and discussion of it was upsetting her.
