jokes

Not funny!!!

I happened to be in Stockholm on a business trip last month and was dining in a restaurant. Before ordering my dinner I asked for a whisky. "Which is the best Swedish whisky?" I asked the waiter. "Sir are you from India?" he asked. "Yes." "Then you must try our very special brand Bofors, it gives you instant kickbacks."

M&M's An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime. "Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

Thoughts to ponder... Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? How do I set my laser printer on stun? If God dropped acid, would he see people? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons? If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Is a castrated pig disgruntled? Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? What happens when none of your bees wax? Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses? Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots! Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I' ve got another pair of the same at home. ** Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again? Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

good one again dear YOU KNOW YOU HAVE BAD HAIR WHEN... ...birds return to your hair every year to nest. ...people ask you what it's like to get electrocuted. ...people stop you on the street and ask if you do children's birthday parties. ...children point at your head and say... "What's your kitty's name?" ...you're asked to remove your hat in a restaurant even though you're not wearing one. ...you get barber shop gift certificates for birthdays and Christmas. ...dogs growl at your head. ...a parent points to your head and says to their kid, "That's what will happen to you if you don't eat all your vegetables". ...your barber asks you, "Should I cut that one on the top?" ...you get job offers from Ringling Bros. Circus.

Here is one more for you: My son just married a girl he met on the internet. I guess there is such a thing as "love at first site."

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