Relationships: Dealing with an overbearing mother-in-law
@nonconformingmommy (49)
United States
December 5, 2006 9:26pm CST
Ok here's the problem. My mother-in-law is a complete psycho! I won't get into too many details here because I'd use all the server space on MyLot if I did. Instead I'll give a brief synapsis and go from there.
My husband and I decided long before we married that we wanted to break the cycles in both our families by breaking out on our own. We wanted to move away from the nutcases and see what we could accomplish. We both had fairly strained relationships with our parents so this was a perfect solution for us to give our marriage a chance. My family was not supportive and didn't pretend to be either. But they've come around over the years and we can love them from a distance and visit whenever possible.
My inlaws were dripping with support telling us how they wish they'd done the same when they were young. I should have known it was a front---I could have prepared myself for the fallout from their BS---but I was still new to the family and numb to the realization that my mother-in-law is the real Marie Barone (Everybody loves Raymond) times 100!!
To make a long story short I'll just let you know that my inlaws and both brothers-in-law now live less than a mile away from us--over 700 miles away from our hometown, driving us crazy on a daily basis. They've caused stress and stain on our marriage and even got me close to throwing in the towel. My husband is as supportive as possible but we refuse to move again just because they're here. They don't listen to him or me so we're at our wits end. I don't believe in divorce unless under extreme conditions but we're both running out of options for dealing with these people.
Herein lies the most recent problem I'd really like some advice on if possible.
My mother-in-law has decided she deserves a 40 year wedding anniversary party down here just to say "F" you to all the people who thought they should never have married. She's also decided that I should be the one to organize it since none of her 3 sons will have anything to do with it. Since I'm the only female around besides her, in her mind, I am the one to fulfill everything she missed out on in life. She hasn't even ASKED me if I'll help or anything, just keeps giving me things to do.
I have to deal with this woman once and for all. My husband's about ready to go over there in person and tell them off but I'm a bit more diplomatic. I've told her nicely to speak with her sons about it to no avail. I've also told her no. She basically hears nothing and is determined to get her way no matter what. What's really funny is that my father-in-law wants nothing to do with the party either!!
There's NO WAY I'm throwing this party (as we discuss this more you'll understand why) and it doesn't matter what I say to the woman she continues to try manipulating and tricking me into doing what she wants. How can I deal with this woman once and for all? Any ideas? I know what I'd like to do--HAHAHA
HELP!!
5 people like this
69 responses
@sj_chaudhry (1537)
• Canada
6 Dec 06
well you are lucky enough that your husband is supportive, i think let him talk to his mother because this matter is beyond diplomatic moves she will keep doing this and you will remain in trouble so this si the right time to do open discussion. And for a while you just ignore her if she says anything or want you to do anything then answer very precisely rather then argue on that. wish u Good Luck.
@GrammaFood (716)
• United States
6 Dec 06
It took me and my husband 12 years to put a stop to my mother-in-law. I finally told him it was me or her. I'm still some what tolerating of her but he told her she has another son to call him! I didn't go my mother-in-laws b-day party my hubby and kids went. Just tell her there's no party and your hubby needs to call his brother and tell them that they all through it together or there is no party,this way it was a family desision and your off the hook. Do not feel guilty!!!!!!!!!! It's their mother so put it in their hands and i would just tell her to talk to her sons and walk away or get off the phone. Let me know how it goes!
@mansha (6298)
• India
6 Dec 06
Lucky for you people that your hubby listened to you.what about the case when you are told that your in laws are old and you should adjust to them and not expect them to change.what if hsband is always taking side of his mother? Or when you are made to feel that you can only go to your in laws place and no where else as its your first duty.what if your hubby also wants to throw the party and he calls them up? what should be done then?
@Juliephine (286)
• United States
6 Dec 06
Well, after reading your post, here's my 2 cents worth. I think you just have to confront her about it. Ask her why she keeps giving you things to do when you've told her no? Why does she want to have a party that her spouse doesn't even want? Be sure and tell her that you do care about her, but you would much rather have a relationship with her that was so stressful. Honesty really IS the best policy, but it may really hurt her initially. But, if you and your husband are going to stay together, it has to come out. Everyone will be much better off in the long run. I speak from my own personal experience and thus the reason for my post here. Of course everyone is different and you have to decide how you want to handle it from all the advice from your post. Best wishes.
1 person likes this
@kay_24 (26)
•
6 Dec 06
Hey atleast you have your husbands support so why let your marriage be ruined by this impossible women!! Try to blatantly tell her that she is making you very unhappy and about to ruin your marriage and she better get her act together if she doesn't want to lose you And her son!!
Good Luck!!!
1 person likes this
@shoelover (896)
• Australia
6 Dec 06
I know you and your hubby don't want to move again but it may be the only solution. We have been married 23 years and have a horrible monster in law also. We are in the process of moving house and are not telling any of my hubbys family where we are moving to. Heck we haven't even told some of them we are moving. Hopefully they will come over to our new house and find we are no longer here and no know where to look. We have decided to divorce ourselves from hubbys family and are also changing our surname. That way we are starting a new life in the new year with a new name.
If you don't want to move you can always just tell your monster in law you are moving and get your phone number changed to an unlisted number. That way she will think you have moved and no know where to look.
1 person likes this
@lilmomma25 (11)
• United States
6 Dec 06
I have the worst mother-in-law in the whole universe. I like to be honest so please bear with me... You need to stand up and take a stand. You need to be a lil more stern and a lil more aggressive than passive. Both of you need to put a stop to this. Get caller ID,dont answer the phone,dont answer the door. Also, if his family is making you feel that miserable and your hubby knows that and loves you til no end. He should stand up and be a man and put a stop to it. EXAMPLE!!! My mom-in-law is always telling hubby that I want for his money and I spend all his money and I'm a wh***.... etc.. etc.. Finally, I got tired of defending myself and hubby told his mom if she cannot except me and stop making life miserable then that was going to be the end of their relationship... He meant it... They only talk once in a great while. She has never really had anything to with my kids from day one anyways... It used to bother me and now it don't. Cause you know.. I have tried and she is missing out not me... It's not worth my time and energy anymore. Since she isn't around much anymore my life is peaceful... Don't let anyone drive you that nutty it isn't worth it.... Good Luck!!!
@AndreaM76 (1164)
• United States
6 Dec 06
Have you seen the movie Monster-in-law. Your story reminds me of that movie in a sense. I feel for you. I think if your hubby has your back 100% confront her together and show her she doesn't run your marriage or your life. I feel bad for you. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@flowerchilde (12529)
• United States
6 Dec 06
- We had this same problem with our mother, fortunately we were out of state, so said it just wasn't really very practical we could throw an big 50th anniversary party.hat we wanted to say was "how can we invite all the relatives and friends you've offended so bitterly over the years?" But we decided the price would be too high to do so. The siblings still close to home are a little too dysfunctional (through our parent's parenting talents) for her to even consider asking them to undertake it.
If your brothers in law can refuse to have anything to do with it, why can't you? Maybe tell her you are just too busy!!
We lucked out with my mom, one of her sisters and husband had a very BIG 50th anniversary that same year, and I think the idea of competing with it, discouraged her enough on the idea that when we said we had a different 5oth anniversary gift in mind, to take them out to a ritzy place (where we presented a comemorative plate, and to redecorate their house(!) [Good thing my brother is a little affluent!] She thought it was a great idea! Yes, we're crazy. But boy, two years later, our parents are still purrin like cats over it! I'm not suggesting such a huge gift (we had to take a week's visit and lots of intense, full steam ahead activity) - but maybe some kind of other gift and observance can be offered which will make her happy enough, and still give you all that time you need for all your many responsibilities and hectic daily life. What we did was tell mom, the anniversary party was out of the question, wasn't gonna happen, because not only could we not organize it being out of state, but truly, just couldn't devote the time to it, but here's what we're going to do..."
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
6 Dec 06
Wow!! And I thought I had issues. Personally in my own opinion, I would find a way to distance myself from them, and tell her in no uncertain terms how you feel, and you have your own life to lead, and you want to be able to relax and enjoy your life with their Son without them trying to control you all of the time. If you do not want to help out with this, she should understand and not take it out on you. Sounds like she has some personal issues she has to work on and takes them out on everyone else without considering what it is doing to them in the process. I would let your husband know your feelings, and if you have too, distance yourselves from them as much as possible. I do wish you Luck.
@nonconformingmommy (49)
• United States
6 Dec 06
See I don't like attacking either...but we've both tried the stern but calm approach to no avail.
1 person likes this
@nonconformingmommy (49)
• United States
7 Dec 06
Ah very true. Let me put it to you this way. Have you ever dealt with someone's child that won't take no for an answer? No matter what you do the child continues nagging, whining, pouting, crying, throwing themselves on the floor etc. Now if this is someone else's child you just send them home and never invite them back right?
Would stand to reason it would work with a mother in law right? Not in this case--been there done that.
@mgmagana (3618)
• United States
6 Dec 06
wow, that sucks, my motherinlaw just expects her kids to give her handouts since she raised them, she one time told us that her ex-husband(my father-in-law) thinks that once the kids get older the roles have to be reversed, even tho she's only 46, he thinks we should take care of her as she took care of her son, i was like yeah rite, first of all she was one of the worst moms i know and second she's still old enough to take care of herself, my husband did not ask to be born! but i feel for u, mother-in-laws could be the worst!
1 person likes this
@ESKARENA1 (18261)
•
6 Dec 06
I feel that these people should keep out of your lives you should close the door. We all have a maximum tolleration of people, even family. It took me over 30 years to ditch elements of my family and now i just dont talk to them at all havent done for over 10 years.
The inlaws (or outlaws as i refer to them ) have also run us close, my wife was thanked for carrying a child by my mothering law, saying that she would now take over. This smotherly love continued and now we dont know if we want them in our life or not. I feel we should get rid
@nonconformingmommy (49)
• United States
6 Dec 06
Oh man.....I feel for you....but I think you need to nip it in the bud quick. See that kind of happened with us as we gave her the first female child in the family since she was born and she's wanted a girl forever.
This also answers the question why she moved down here. Didn't ask us if we minded, just put their house up for sale and informed us they'd be living with us until they found a new one (hubby kicked them out after 3 wks). Then she literally dragged one brother in law here so we'd be together. The other we invited as he was going through a divorce and needed to escape the area as well.
So see in her mind not only me, but my daughter are on this earth only to entertain her and make up for everything she missed in her life...ARGH!
@yorb24 (2179)
• United States
6 Dec 06
Well it sounds like just telling her no, won't fix the problem so I'd suggest just explaining in detail why you don't want to do it and actually shouldn't have to do it. Or you can try writing a long drawn out letter about your feelings. Someone inlaws are so wrapped up in themselves that they EXPECT you to do what they want which is incredibly ridiculous. As if you have no say since you are now related to them. It also sounds like she might be doing it because she feels that you won't say no to her since you haven't in the past. Stand up to her, tell her how you feel. Good luck.
@marciascott (25529)
• United States
7 Dec 06
I did not write your whole post but it is funny. sorry you don't get along with your Mother-in-law. your Husband probaly hates it. because he in stuck in the middle that's bad.You have to try to communicate more.
@nonconformingmommy (49)
• United States
7 Dec 06
Actually Marcia he's with me or it would be completely unbearable!
@nonconformingmommy (49)
• United States
6 Dec 06
That's the plan and I'll be sure and have the bottle of tequila handy when the guilt trips, crying, and fit throwing begins.
As far as the restraining order goes: I don't think it will work unless they can stop someone from calling you (hehe) --in her mind she's too good to come to our house anyway.
@nonconformingmommy (49)
• United States
6 Dec 06
That's the plan and I'll be sure and have the bottle of tequila handy when the guilt trips, crying, and fit throwing begins.
As far as the restraining order goes: I don't think it will work unless they can stop someone from calling you (hehe) --in her mind she's too good to come to our house anyway.
@Metallion (2227)
• United States
7 Dec 06
Keep in mind, if you tell her off that you better be prepared to alienate her and her gone. I know that is what you are saying you want, but remember if you have financial problems in the future she probably won't be there to help you, or if you have children, may not be willing to babysit and all. You have to decide if you really want to drive her away.
@nonconformingmommy (49)
• United States
7 Dec 06
Metallion, she's never been there for us anyway. They'd let us lose our home before they'd give us money for anything--we would never even ask. We'd go to my parents if need be and would pay them back.
@xpress (68)
• Philippines
7 Dec 06
Hi !
First, Though your situation can drive you out of your mind, hope that you continue to pray that The Almighty God the Father will give you strength to continue showing your respect to your mother in law. Remember you can fight evil with good so as to put the evil doer to shame (Romans chapter 12). For doing good, you will earn your husband's respect and hopefully, your husband will be fed up and deal with your mother in law himself. Your husband will be your best shot to this problem. For the meantime that your husband is not doing it, just ingnore your MIL when she tries to bring out the party issue. By hearing her but not doing her wishes is in itself a very good way of communicating your NO. Action speaks louder than words
@nonconformingmommy (49)
• United States
7 Dec 06
xpress....no offense here ok, and I consider myself christian, bible-reading, bible believing ok, but my mother in law is overbearing, i'm better than you, do everything exactly like me or go to hell christian. Those are the types of christians that unfortunately don't listen to christian behavior.
I'm telling you she's rotten to the core. My husband won't come within 10 miles of a Pentacostal church because of the way he was raised.
@s1n2a3k4e580 (222)
• China
7 Dec 06
It is a "war" would last for a long time. I hear a lot of conflicts between wife and mother-in-law. en......I don't want my future wife had something conflict with my mother. If so, my life would be sad and whole of mess.
@Krysha (48)
• United States
7 Dec 06
Quote*With my mother in law, whom I generally like most of the time, I put my foot down and speak my mind. I of course do this in a very diplomatice manner. I also gave birth to 2 gorgeous grandsons, so she's quite nice to me. Lucky me. *Quote
I've got the same situation as you, I've got a decent relationship with my mom in law actually one that I'm kinda of proud of. But I can understand where this thread started because we weren't always close. We had some REALLY tough times at first but working through it was the best thing we did.
@lesleynejsmom (25)
• United States
7 Dec 06
Yea mother in laws can be a pain at times. I'm lucky to have a great one. Well shes not actually my mom in law but shes my kids grandna. She treats me better than her real daughter in law, lol. Maybe cuz I have her grandkids, lol. I know its hard but hang in there, don't let her come inbetween you and your husband. Maybe you stay your distance but never keep the kids from her. lol Good Luck!!
