My fathers funeral...PLEASE HELP!
By Stephanie5
@Stephanie5 (2946)
United States
December 7, 2006 1:01pm CST
My father passed away on Oct. 31,2006...and here it is Dec already and we still have not had a memorial for him (he was creamated) and this is really starting to upset me. I feel that doing this will "lay him to rest" so-to-speak...and his wife is in NOOO hurry. And I'm his eldest daughter and I don't feel right to have one without her, but I feel like she's leaving me no choice.... She keeps saying it's because she don't have the money or time off work to fly here, (she's in Florida, I'm in Indiana and so is the rest of his family) But she has his ashes.
I just don't know what to do. What would you do? Would you go ahead and have it without her, she's already said it would be ok (which makes me thinkk that she just don't want to come) or should I patiently wait on her????
Please Help!!!Thank you in advance...
Have a great day!
3 people like this
27 responses
@freecreative2 (46)
• United States
8 Dec 06
You should have a memorial service for him. You won't have any closure until you do. Kind of gives it finality.
1 person likes this
@freecreative2 (46)
• United States
8 Dec 06
Go ahead and have it without her. If she decides later to have one, then she can. I agree with you though, doesn't sound like she wants to be there.
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
8 Dec 06
Yes, that's what I'm saying! And that's why it's so hard for me to understand why she don't want to come and be a part of it. I talk to her everyday and she seems to be doing ok (mentally) but she is just stalling so bad to have it. We have talked about it and she does make comments that she dont' really want to be around our family because they weren't there for him when he was alive, so that has to be what it is....I wish she could just get past it for my fathers sake, and mine.
Thanks for your comment!
1 person likes this
@FiredUp (270)
• United States
8 Dec 06
That is so sad. But I guess my response depends on how she told you to go ahead. If she was pleasant, then maybe you are right and she doesn't want to come. Maybe she feels that she does not want or need that to "put him to rest". If she was responsible for the cremation, maybe she used that time to say good-bye. In that case, you should go ahead. But if she sounded like she just wanted you to stop asking and was upset, I would be patient with her because maybe she is not ready to fully say good-bye
1 person likes this
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
8 Dec 06
No, she was pleasant about it! But it still really bothers me that she don't want to be there. I want her to be apart of it because I feel that is what my father would of wanted. She says that he had no desire to even have a memorial but I don't agree with that completely...that might of been what he said, but I think he's probably very hurt right now(if he's looking down at us) that we have not had SOMETHING for him yet.
I really need to lay him to rest...it's driving me crazyyyyy.
Thanks for your comments!
@lissaj (532)
• United States
7 Dec 06
I think you should go ahead and have the memorial. It sounds as though she is not very interested in attending. You have offered to buy her tickets, not much else you can do. Go, have the memorial, do what you need to do for you and your family. She may end up showing up in the end. Good luck, and I'm sorry for your loss.
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
8 Dec 06
Thank you for your condolances. (not sure if i spelled that right, lol) I appreciate it! I think I might go ahead and have it...I don't know...I'm still confused!
@soldenski (2503)
• United States
8 Dec 06
I would have it without her. It will give you some closure and will allow the healing to start. Sorry for your loss. Good luck
1 person likes this
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
8 Dec 06
Thank you, I really appreciate your opinion! And I think you are very right and I think that I just might go ahead and have it...it will make me feel better....BUT IS THAT ME BEING SELFISH?????
Thanks again!
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
7 Dec 06
I think you should go on and have it. She should understabd that you need some closure to this, and that this will make you feel as if your father is finally at peace.
I think humans do need a closer and witht his i do not mean that u after this will forget. It is a terrible loss that u have been through and I am so sorry for you - but i think you should have a memorial, invite her and if she doesn´t come, than it is up to her!
1 person likes this
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
7 Dec 06
I guess you are right, I just think it's going to feel "wrong" in a sense to have it without her...And I always wonder if that's the way my dad would of wanted it....will he be mad at me for having it without her??? She says no, but it still bothers me.
Thanks for the comments.
@MommytoJack (215)
• United States
8 Dec 06
I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. That would be so hard not having a memorial service after this long. If I were in this situation, I would probably go ahead and have the memorial service to honor your father. If she doesn't want to be there, then she doesn't have to... but this is an important thing to do to start the path to healing for you and your family. Again, I'm so sorry. :(
1 person likes this
@meetsammy (578)
• India
8 Dec 06
well i seriously feel that u have delayed it....in India we actually fix the fourth day(at some places 13th day) for the memorial....everyone beleives life has to move on....but a day off to remember the gone is much important....maybe some people find it stupid but i do beleive what u do comes back on u....
@seancortneypixie (418)
• United States
8 Dec 06
i think that u should go ahead and do it. she has shown that she really doesnt care. and i am so sorry to hear about your father. good luck on the whole matter.
@birthlady (5609)
• United States
20 Dec 06
Go ahead and "lay him to rest" without her if you must. Just make a plan, and inform her of the date. I am very sorry for your loss. Having a memorial celebrating his life will help you to feel better. Have memorabilia, photos, keepsakes, and honor your father's memory. You have the right to do this, you are his eldest child.
@leilani47 (780)
• United States
8 Dec 06
I'm sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your family. If I were you, I would go ahead and have a memorial. just to have some time of closure.
@Centregeek (500)
• United States
8 Dec 06
Sorry to hear about your father. I think that if you wait for her, you are going to be waiting for a very long time. She has told you to have a service without her, so go ahead and plan something with family and friends to remember him. You don't have to have his ashes to have the service, just put photos of him out and let everyone tell stories about him. If you need this to have closure, then go ahead and start planning the service. He was your father and you miss him.
1 person likes this
@eu_ursuletzu (1197)
• Romania
8 Dec 06
you should make it whitout her.from octomber till now its a long time...you should do it long time ago whitout her.
this is my oppinion.
i mean...if i was in your place i would do it whitout her..
1 person likes this
@SimplyJo (1694)
• India
7 Dec 06
Firstly i'm so sorry for your loss. I can understand how it feels to lose a loved one.
Please make your mom (or shud i say step mom? ) understand how important it is to you... buy her return tickets and imply the importance again and again. I'm sure it'd be much better if she's there too and the effort you put in to get her here would be all worth it.
Hope this helps. take care
1 person likes this
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
7 Dec 06
Thank you! Yeah, she is my step-mom and I love her dearly....I've offered to buy her plane tickets all together, but she just keeps stalling. Thanks for the comment! Take Care!
@meme0907 (3481)
• United States
8 Dec 06
I feel you on this one b/c I lost my mother years ago & the family started the memorial svc w/o me (I live in a diff county).They did make it seem like I was included before they had it by having me come down to help pick out the urn etc.. then changed everything I had picked.I wanted a memorial for my mother where ppl could get up & speak for her on her life & how much they loved her,one w/ music that I & my sisters had picked out-none of that happened. I wouldn't wait, you love your father & want him to be remembered not put on the shelf & forgotten.
1 person likes this
@ErrollLeVant (4353)
• United States
8 Dec 06
He is already at rest, you apparently won't rest till you have the service. Plan it the way you want it, offer his wife the opportunity to attend, but not to dissuade the memorial.
1 person likes this
@sammy1128 (241)
• China
8 Dec 06
im sorry for you,is she your stepmother,i dont know why she would had excuses for it,dont she love your husband. in my opinion you should do it right away,even though your mother wont come,just lay your father to rest,i think this is the only thingand last thing you could do.
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
8 Dec 06
I'm so sorry for your loss. You definitely have a right to have your own ceremony there with your local friends and family. Send her an invitation and if she comes fine, if not fine. It's your perrogative to be able to find closure and if this is how you need to do it then do it. Sounds to me like she really isn't interested either.
1 person likes this
@JC1969 (1224)
• United States
8 Dec 06
I'm sorry to hear about your loss of a loved one. I think that you should plan and implement a memorial service on your own. You need the closure, and to be respectful of your dad's wife you can extend her an invitation. Tell her, you needed to have some closure, and you felt it time to pay your respects and have a memorial for your dad. If she comes she comes, if she doesn't she doesn't. You can host a beautiful memorial for your father, even without his ashes, by putting together a photo memorial of key and interesting points throughout your father's life.
@JG1950 (27)
• India
8 Dec 06
It is sad that your mom or your dad's wife is not showing any inclination towards having a memorial for your beloved father.We cannot thrust love or respect on anybody.These feelings should come from inside our heart or else these feelings will not be genuine.Since she has already given her ok you can proceed with your wish.You keep her informed of the progress.
1 person likes this
@bobmarchiano (15)
• Germany
8 Dec 06
Maybe she just wanted to forget about your father an move on with her life he might of been a SOB. If you what the memorial send her the money to send the ashs to you,Iam sure she would agree.
