I am looking for some good jokes for my collection. GOT ANY?

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2 Nene,3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

American told sardar : Hamare desh me 90% shaadi e-mail se hoti hai. Sardar : Kya bath hai. Hamari desh me 100% female se hoti hai. Where were you born ? sardar : Punjab. Boss : which part ? sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab. Sardar : What is the name of your car ? Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with "T". Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai. Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from your auto. sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler Interviewer : When is your birthday. Sardar : 13th Oct. Interviewer : which year ? sardar : Oye Ullu ke patte : Every year. 2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car. Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing. sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have a one more. Doctor to patient : You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die? Patient : Yes. A good doctor. On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring. Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile. Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening. Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright

2 friends are talking.... Friend1: people consider me as god. Friend2: How can you say that? Friend1: When i went to thier place, everybody said Oh God! U came again!! Friend2:???????

1 The patient looks distrustfully at his prescription, then at the doctor and says, “In my state of depression. I need something to stimulate me. Something that excites me, that challenges me, that works me up, Is there anything like that in the prescription? “Nope”, says the doctor. “You will find that in the bill.” 2 A woman visited the bank to close her account because she was convinced the institution was going under. Asked by a started manager why she thought so, she produced one of her cheques, endorsed by the bank “insufficient funds” 3 A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much it cost to get married? And the father replied, I don’t’ know, son. I am still paying for it.”

A couple was relating their vacation adventures to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?" "Well," the husband said, "we had a change of plans because, uh..." His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He fell silent and she continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will not ask for directions."

A Mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning. 'Nobody in school likes me,' he complained. 'The teachers don't like me, the kids don't like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I don't want to go to school.' 'But, John, you have to go to school,' said her mother sternly. 'You're healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you're 40 years old and YOU'RE THE PRINCIPAL.'

what does your computer think of u ......intel inside mental outside

first send me if u have....and i will send the one i hold

why does the blonde staring at the cartoon juice?

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field" Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field Teacher : How? Student : Ladies first.

hey heres a new joke: an elephant sees a naked man standing n asks him, "hey how do u breathe through that?".

Ohh dear .. not once in my entire life have I been able to remember a joke good or bad ... I muddle up the story I get the punch line wrong ... even if I have it written out I still make a muddle of reading it .. and no one ever laughs ...

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah (in bible) was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

sorry right nowi dont have any...y'day only i formatted my pc

Q. Whats the definaton of suspicious? A. A nun doing sit ups in a cucumber field :D

you asked for more jokes, here goes: A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately there is a pile of dog poop just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink. A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of poop, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink. The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that." The big guy punches him in the mouth. A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you." The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf jerk! "A visiting priest was getting the grand tour of the convent, led by one of the sisters. They go into a room with four portraits. "Who is this?" asks the padre. "Oh, that's the Virgin of Guadalupe" "And this portrait?" "That is the beautiful Virgin of Asissi" "Who is this third one?" "That is the Virgin of Ishia" "And the final portrait, what virgin is she?" "Oh, that's no virgin, that's the Mother Superior." After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk. He told me the other vehicle was a cow. Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out weekend passes, I thought I had a good reason. "My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her," I told the C.O. Much to my surprise he said, "Permission granted." Inspired by my success, a fellow soldier also requested a weekend pass. His wife wasn't pregnant, so when the C.O. asked why he should grant him permission, my friend re- sponded, "My wife is getting pregnant this weekend and I want to be with her. "As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure. "Bernie was so excited about his promotion to Vice President that he kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer and told him, "Listen, it means nothing! They even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!" "Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Bernie boy decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answered and Bernie said, "May I speak with the Vice President of peas, please?" The clerk replied, "Canned or frozen? "Defendant: "Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer." Judge: "And why is that?" Defendant: "Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case." Judge (to Public Defender): "Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?" Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor, what did you say? I wasn't listening. "In a sleepy town in Central Scotland, Jimmy and his childhood sweetheart Morag, are wed. In the Honeymoon bed, Morag lays down the law: "Now that we are wed, I have one rule. If you are ever unfaithful to me I'll chop your bits off!!" Years pass peacefully, until one day Morag returns home to find Jimmy in bed with another woman. True to her word, she runs out to the garden and returns with a set of garden sheers and exacts her revenge. Still gripping the severed giblets, she leaps into her car and flees. She speeds through the village, swerving from left to right in her rage. This attracts the attention of two local coppers, Kyle and Shamus, who take off in pursuit. Seeing them in her rear view mirror, Morag panics, winds down the window and hurls out the evidence, which thumps with a bloody splat on the copper’s windshield. "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" swears Kyle, "Did you see the size of the giblets on that fly? "It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little, old man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing, and bedraggled. As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two poppy seed bagels to go, please?" The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?" "That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Sherry." "And who is Sherry, your wife?" asked the baker. "What did you think," snapped the little man, "that my mother would send me out on a night like this?" My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until much later that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor. One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said, "I have to sleep with Daddy." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I can't stop singing 'The Green Green Grass of Home' Doctor: I think you have Tom Jones Syndrome Patient: Is that common? Doctor: It's Not Unusual Two chubby blokes in a pub, one says, "Your round". The other says, "So are you, you fat b******."

FUNNY INSULTS... *I know u r not as stupid as u look.Nobody could be! *Any similarity between U & Human is purely coincidental *Are u always so stupid or is today a special occasion *As an outsider, what do u think about the human race *Atleast there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face! *Brains aren't everything. Infact, in your case they're nothing *I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you. *Don't feel bad, a lot of people have no talent! *Keep talking, someday you will say something intelligent! *Don't think. It may sprain your brain. *He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind this morning. *He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed. *He is dark & handsome. When it is dark, he's handsome *He is known as a miracle comic. If he's funny, it's a miracle! *He's listed in "Who's Who" as "What's That" *How come ur here, I thought the zoo was closed at night *How did you come here, did someone leave ur cage open. *Hi! I'm a human being, what r u ? *I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works! *I'd like to kick u in the teeth, but why should I improve ur looks? *If I had a face like urs, I'd sue my parents! *Don't u love nature, despite what it did to u? *He is a living proof that man can live without brain. *He is so short that when it rains he is always the last to know. *U know u were born silly, but why did u have a relapse ?

i don't have in english buddy