Boyfriend's Baby.
By Virginians
@Virginians (440)
United States
December 9, 2006 2:19pm CST
One of my bestfriends got the shock of her life two nights ago. When her boyfriend came up to her, and told her the following:
" The Grandmother of a friend of mine called me this afternoon. After six months of nobody seeing, or hearing from her. Her Granddaughter has resurfaced, and she has told her Grandmother that she's six months pregnant with my child. We were only together once, it was a one night thing, and we had used protection. She could have been with anyone before, or after that night. But there is always the chance that the child is mine, what are you going to do? "
She thought about it, but didn't have to think hard. Six months ago they were not dating, so she couldn't be upset with him for something that happened back then, it wasn't like he cheated on her. He simply had a one night fling with a friend, long before the two of them were dating. She told him that she would stay with him, and support him through it all. If it does turn out that the child is his, she'll be the best adult friend that child could ever hope to have. And if it turns out that the child is not his, well, then it's not his child.
She loves him deeply, and he returns that love. They already have plans to get married, and start a family of their own. They had these plans before this news was found out. He says he doesn't love this other girl, that it was never about that at all, they had just got caught up one night. It was a one time thing, they never thought anymore of it, she doesn't want a relationship with him, and he loves his current girlfriend far too much to ever leave her.
Still, his current girlfriend is worried. What happens if the child is his, and after the child is born... he changes his mind, and decides to start a relationship with the Mother? If the child is his, she wants her boyfriend to be the child's father, she wants him to be active in the child's life. But she doesn't want to lose him to a woman he doesn't love, just because they share a child together. Can he be a father, without being in a marital relationship with the mother?
64 responses
@cajunmomma (624)
• United States
9 Dec 06
I don't see why he can't be with his girlfriend and be a father to his child. I know a guy who is going through a situation very similar to this. He has made it clear to the baby's mom that he and her are just friends and nothing more. He told her that they will never be anything more than just friends. I think what the girl thought was that he was going to be with her once she had the baby and that isn't what happened. Anyways, if he loves his girlfriend then there should be nothing for her to worry about. He loves her and not this other girl and just because he has a baby, doesnt mean he doesnt love her or will leave her.
@Virginians (440)
• United States
9 Dec 06
That's exactly what I told my friend, and she really doesn't mind about the baby. It's just the thought of losing him that scares her. But he was just as terrified that he was going to lose her. I'm a close friend to them both, and he told me that as soon as he hung up the phone, he got physically ill all over his kitchen floor, worried sick that his girlfriend was going to leave him when he told her what he found out. I think it's a little silly, that they're both so paranoid about the other leaving, it's obvious that if they love one another so much to be ill with worry over losing one another that they won't. But my female friend in the situation always says, we say this now, but once the baby is born, and if it is his, he may change his mind. Once he's holding that little boy/girl in his arms. I'm sure that they'll work through this together, and as I told her, there's a big chance that the baby isn't his, and that the girl is just saying that, because he's such a good man, and so hard working. He's working two jobs, and going to college, just so that he can pay not only his bills, but his grandparents bills as well since they can't work. I think she got pregnant by someone else, that man's a lazy bum, and she believes that if she can convince my friends b/f that the baby is his, he'll feel the need to marry her and take care of them both.
@cajunmomma (624)
• United States
9 Dec 06
That is true too about them not even knowing if it is his. You should let them know to take it one day at a time. That is really all they can do. I think that once the baby comes and if it does come out to be his, then he needs to make it clear to the baby's mom and in front of his girlfriend that this won't change anything with he and the girl and that he is going to take care of the baby, but still be with his girlfriend. I know this has got to be pretty hard on them both.
@sbeauty (5865)
• United States
9 Dec 06
I don't think she has much to worry about. If her boyfriend loves her and not this other girl, then that probably won't ever be a problem. The problems come in shared custody, outlandish child support payment demands, threats to take you back into court if you don't do what she says, etc.
So tell her not to worry about anything until after the baby is born and tested for dna to see if he's the father. If he is, then they can deal with it. If he isn't, then there's no problem any more.
@Virginians (440)
• United States
10 Dec 06
Thank you for your advice, I'll be sure to pass it on to her.
@puneetwalia2006 (10)
• India
10 Dec 06
yes very right. if they love each other and they both r true then nobody can between them.
@mellbrb (250)
• United States
12 Dec 06
I know both of the people you're talking about, and I'm sure that they will have no problem working through this together. However, like you, I'm still not falling into the idea that it is his child. In fact, I'd be willing to put down money that it's not his child.
@nobodyspecial (1011)
• United States
9 Dec 06
No reason why not. Thousands of fathers attend to their children every day without more than a friendship with the child's mother...some don't even have that friendship, finding it stressful to associate with her in order to BE in that child's life.
This isn't about him and her, him and the child's mother, it is about the child and a father.
No DNA as yet, so tell your friend to stop borrowing trouble. What will be will be and what won't, won't.
@Virginians (440)
• United States
10 Dec 06
Yes, I told them both that as well. They really need to wait for a DNA test, before they start to worry, and fall apart at the seams. But if it turns out that the baby is his, both the he, and his current g/f agree that he should be an active Dad to the baby. His g/f doesn't want him not to be with the child, she just wants him not to be with the child's mother. Personally, I still think there's a bigger chance of the child not being his, than there is a chance of the baby actually being his.
@icequeen (2840)
• Canada
10 Dec 06
Of course he can. Just because he may have a child with this women doesn't mean they will get back together...It sounds like it was just an accident and that he never had any intention on being with this person...It also seem like he loves his current girlfriend very much if he wants to start a life with her...I would tell her not to worry....you don't even know anything yet....and if it is then you can deal with it together....
@mytwo_daughters (2663)
• United States
10 Dec 06
I think this is a case by case incident. Yes, I think a man can be a father to a child, and not be married to the mother. But I also think it is a tricky situation. Hopefully the mom of the child will leave him alone, and only ask for necessities so he can carry on with his life.
@cisco1 (539)
• United States
10 Dec 06
yes he can, i believe that people could be parents and not be togehter. Actually it would be better for the child if they are apart because if they force themselves to be together for the sake of the child then it will be worse because they could start fighting and stuff.
@Withoutwings (6992)
• United States
10 Dec 06
I worry about things like this too. I think he could definately be a father without being in a relationship with the mother. If they are planning to get married, then she shouldn't be worried. She should have trust in him. They should talk about their concerns openly together and see how he really feels. Is he one of those men that feels he has to "do the right thing" and be with the mother? My father and my mother were a one night stand - and she didn't marry him. He never asked. It was a night that shouldn't have happened. They are both in my life. Don't worry so much.
@kiah25 (128)
• United States
10 Dec 06
I would say that if thier love is as sstrong as they think it is and since they are allready planning a future together, they need to trust it. If they truley love each other they will make it thorught this together and be sronger together for getting through it. My husband and I went through a lot together before we finally got married, but each major obsticle made our bond stronger and we know we can depend on each other since we have allready been through so much together.
@cachitodemialma (1313)
• United States
10 Dec 06
Of course he can be the father & not be in a relationship with the mother. Just because they were only together once & he claims they used protection doesn't mean that it can't happen. All he has to do is get a paternity test after the child is born & go from there. If it was only once and they haven't talked since there must not have been any feelings there, or they would have kept in contact. Just because there is a child does not mean their are feelings. I just hope for the childs sake the father wants to be apart of it's life.
@ansmellayisa (504)
• Australia
10 Dec 06
If he really loves her he wont leave her and will be a father to the child. If he doesnt love her he will leave a baby cant change his heart for someone else.
The chances are very slim its his if she had a one night stand with him imagain how many one night stands she has had with others? tell her not to let him get attached the baby b4 he knows its his, the her to tell him to tell the girl when the baby is born let me know i want a test done and then dont see her till the baby is born or even talk that way he wont get attached if its not his.
@saphire539 (1639)
• United States
10 Dec 06
Yes he can be a father to his child without haveing a relationship with the mother of his child.I can understand your friend is worried tell her to hang in there and to hold on to him tight it's all about the love and the trust in a relationship.
@debbibet28 (110)
• United States
10 Dec 06
Your friend needs to express to her boyfriend her feelings. That she will support him but she is scared that he will change his mind once the baby is born. But just because a baby comes into the world, it doesn't mean that that child will fix the problems or nonexistent relationship between two people. As long as your friend is open and honest with her boyfriend they will get though it. The first thing he needs to do when that baby is born is ask for a paternity test.
@Beautiful_Nightmare (1337)
•
10 Dec 06
Ofcourse he can be both! My Sister had a child from a previous relationship, it didn't work out and she finally met someone new. He also had two kids, one of which the mother cared deeply about and another she wasn't too bothered about. They have 2 kids of their own and all get on like a normal family and treat each other with the respect they deserve. Except for my Brother-in-law's kid who the mother decided she wanted back, then didn't, then did etc...
@emarie (5442)
• United States
10 Dec 06
of course he can..a lot of people do it. if he doesn't love the mother, then you do more damage to the child if he would to stay with the mother. you can have a healthy relationship...all 3 of them...as long as everyone is happy with thir roles. the child just has a larger family of people who loves him. tell your friend that if she trusts her bf, and if he loves her, there souldn't be anything to worry about. he has no obligation to the mother of the child..just the child...if its his. i knew someone who thought a child was his (an ex of mine) well he decided to take care of the child with the mother, his ex gf...and so he did for a while...then he figured out the child wan't his and so he left her. ...i'm not saying i condone leaving the child after raising it for almost 2 years...thats just wrong, but if he decides to be in this childs life, he has to find out if he's the father now or when the baby is born.
@robinshood (64)
• United States
10 Dec 06
It seems like there are a lot of families like that out there. It will take a lot of patience for your friend to be in that situation. I wish her luck if she decides to stay in that situation.
