Best Jokes Compilation
By register
@register (1064)
India
9 responses
@atulleo25 (484)
• India
22 Sep 06
MEN ARE BETTER FRIENDS!
Women: A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the very next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night. The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.
Men: A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!
@register (1064)
• India
6 Oct 06
Husband 1.0
HUSBAND 1.0 There are a lot of pressures to upgrade from Boyfriend 6.0 to Husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you understand the implications of this change...
For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband 1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to be running processes which you have not authorized. If this happens a lot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and severely limit demand for extra bytes.
Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known on occasion to damage hardware.
Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are impossible to eradicate and have to be tolerated.
Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking mode will produce a good response.
After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful as there is increased risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often multiply and be found lower down the stack.
Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old versions of 1.nightstand.
Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have the required result. This generally results in spawned processes scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long time to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9
On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again later.
Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work ends up on floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often than you'd like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy 1.1. Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged into any of your ports.
@satyamss (870)
• India
5 Jan 07
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Im a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
@ricky1209 (1675)
• India
1 Jan 07
Dear Tech Support Team:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that
took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0
installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system
activities.
Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies
7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0, but
the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to
Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system
once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is
designed not to allow this.
(Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support) .
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment. I
suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate
software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0,
Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the
only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Jewellery 5.0.
WARNING: DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt
3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
@nihit122 (314)
• India
4 Jan 07
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don`t think it`s fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch all the fish?"
@navincharles (4)
• United Arab Emirates
4 Jan 07
The politician was sitting at this campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened..
When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news...
"Ma", he shouted, "the results are on. I won the election"
"Honestly?"
The politician's smile faded. "Aw, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"
Hehehe
@navincharles (4)
• United Arab Emirates
4 Jan 07
Elizabeth was very nervous as she took the wheel for the first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and dont forget to let the people behind you know what you are doing." Elizabeth turned left to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left"....
Lolz... Hahaha...
@lwethu (242)
• South Africa
21 Sep 06
This guy went to work without realising he did not zip his trousers.
His secretary noticed and said to him "You did not close the garage."
The guy did not understand so he went to call his wife and asked if the
garage door was closed.
His wife said" "of course honey, the garage door is closed."
The guy went to his secretary and told her that his wife said the
garage door was closed. The lady realised that he did not understand
her so she moved a little closer and said,
"I mean you did not zip your trousers".
The guy said,"ok" and went to his office and zipped his trousers.
When he came back he said to his secretary:
"When the garage was open, did you see my Mercedes Benz?"
The lady said,
"No, only a Mini-Cooper with two flat tyres"
@srinathakarapu (3093)
• India
20 Sep 06
Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."
"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"
My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait someone else is using it."
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."
I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.
But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.
It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!
"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."
"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"
"Yes if you're lucky."
A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."
I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.
"My wife doesn't know what she wants."
"You're lucky. My wife does."
We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.
"What do use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."
"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"
@blessonje (1651)
• India
20 Sep 06
A sardar walked up to the front desk of the library
and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the
most boring I've ever read. There was no story
whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!"
The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who
took our phone book