Adopted/ step father?

I'm not a father or a step-father,I'm the step-daughter,so I see this from the other side.My real father always thought that he could gloss over everything with money & presents,but he was never there to solve problems or scold, or be supportive.My step-father, on the other hand,was always there to ground me,scold me,punish me for being bad,to teach me about life,respect,co-sign my first bank loan,and believe in me.He has my eternal love,gratitude,and respect,although I didn't see everything he did for me until I was grown.Iwas lucky enough to get to tell him this before he passed away.Thanks to him,Iam who I am,and I'm grateful to him for all he gave me.I hope it works out the same for you.Sometimes we don't see things when we're young.

How old are the children currently, and how old were they when you became a stepfather? I know that as children grow, they often rebel against any semming authority figure, and what might once have been a peaceful home with little ones in now becoming a power-struggle between older children and a biological parent, with you planted firmly in the middle. Things like "I don't have to listen to you, you're not my Real Father," come to mind. You need to sit down with your partner and determine what exactly each one of your roles are regarding parenting and disciplining of these children. You do have a stake in their futures, and I'm sure you have the best of intentions for them. But the roles (and rules) need to be clearly defined, and the children need to be aware of them. If you are nothing more than "good times" or a financial supporter at this point, and you want to be more, you need to make this clear to your wife and assert your role as a co-parenter-and your wife has to back you up.

Kids and sometimes adults can be cruel and rude and kids love rubbing it in a stepfathers face that "Hey your not my boss." I thnk it should be up to your wife to tell the kids Oh but yes he is! I think kids get cocky when they have stepparents and like to cause trouble between the parents and make a situation seem worse than it really is and of course most times mother will pick the kids side before she even hears your side of it right. I have had 2 step fathers one was nice and sweet loved us unconditionally but had had a drinking problem because he couldn't find a job but he never took it out on us kids or my mom so he would drink with friends at their houses and get drunk that is what made my mom give up on their marriage. Then came the drill sergant dad that didn't turn into a drill sergant till after the wedding day then it turned into mayhem. My mom is still married to him but wanting to get a divorce from him. He is the type that whips and asks question later. And never says sorry if he is in the wrong. I think your wife needs to set the kids down and tell them they need to listen tpo you and that you are able to correct them if you see them doing something bad but on some cases you need to consult her to and both of you talk to the child about their punishment. Both parents need to punish. That way it's not all on you because then the kids only see you as the"Enforcer" which isn't good. So have family meetings atleast once a week and that way everyone can talk about the issues they have and dealing wih so nobody gets all the blame in the end. And set ground rules. It is hard being a stepparent and sometimes feeling powerless in a marriage. But it will take work and patience and in the end things will work out. Have you thought of family counseling? that might help and kget some big problems out of the way. Well good luck

I don't know how old these children are, but I can say that older children can resent another father figure in their lives. If there is tension over disipline between the husband and wife the kids pick up on it and use it to gain advantage. I have an old friend who was once in much the same situation...I say was, because just a month ago the youngest got married... He married this woman when her children were 3 and 7. The three year old never knew his father. Over the years I heard those kids yell at him, "You're not my father!" and "My REAL Dad would...", he'd just smile and walk away. I finally asked him one day after such an outburst why he allowed them to throw that in his face. He told me this... "It's working." Yeah I know, what's working? LOL! He told me that because they can defy him, challenge him, tell him he is not their dad was the best thing he had done for them. They had and have trust that he will always love them no matter what they do. That he will be there when they have need. And by that trust they affirm that while he may not be their father, he IS their Dad. Smart guy, my friend.

i think i know how u feel coz that's my bestfriend's previous dilemma. maybe,ur wife is very protective of her children.i dont think u can blame her for that it's in the culture that u can never trust a stepfather/mother to love their stepchildren completely.i guess it takes years to destroy that belief.y not discuss tis to ur wife?

There is more to being a parent then donating sperm (being a bilogical father. I am a woman who's raised her nephew from birth. I am in every sense of the word his mother. He does know his real mother and he spends time with her. However, when it comes down to it, I'm his parent and he knows it. It's time to teach your wife, and kids some respect. Talk with them about how you feel, and seek out help, a family counciler would do your family some good. If your wife doesn't show you the respect, your kids won't either. Start with your wife. Then move on to the kids.. as the saying goes... It trickles down from the top. Your wife should be supportive and proactive in helping you assimilate into the family instead of putting up barriers which it appears to have happened instead. Good luck...

Children at that age who are fully aware of there other father will be stubborn, as far as your wife is, she should not be treating you like another dog of the house, you need to have a talk with her about how you feel, maybe she thinks you are amused by it too.. not realising it is hurtful...call a family meeting and make sure you reassure the children you are not trying to be their dad or replace their father, but you would like to be a friend at least and at least treated like a respectful memeber of the family. Maybe see if being called Uncle would be easier for them... That is what I used to do with my sisters Mother. My sister and I were adopted to two different families then mom got annoyed cause later I said Mom, and Mommy2, and Biological Mother is how I think of it lol. Not easy growing up with three Mothers in your mind. But it can be done :) ... Althought Children are Stubborn all been through a hard time, but they should be adjusted enough by now not to use the divorce as an excuse to treat you like poo. - DNatureofDTrain

Believe me being a step=paremt is the hardest job in the world, My oldest daughter(step-daughter by my late husband) is 3 months to the day older than my daughter. They got along great, They were 16 when Krissy came to live with us and then my 16 year old niece came to live with us. If aything went wrong I blamed my daughter til one night when they stayed out til 3 A.M.

I think you are very typical of mixed families. You are the reason I don't remarry as long as I have kids at home. Others laugh at my decision but basically when you blend families you do one of two things.... the children suffer because you work on the husband/wife things to keep strong or the adoptive parent suffers because it always remains 'my kids'/'your kids' and will never change. Reality is, they aren't your kids, no matter how much you love them and your wife has chosen to be a mother above and beyond everything else - feeling as those it is her duty to take care of the kids and do the reprimanding. I applaud her in her choice, but I think she should have realized that she made that choice and been more fair to any man she wanted to share her life with and wait until the kids are grown. I see far too many of these situations and you would think people would learn. I have never in my life seen a situation where it's the perfect little family and the issues that always come up in mixed/blended families are always issues of my kids/your kids. I'm not saying marriages won't work, they can but I guarantee there are issues at hand regarding the children not being from the both of you.

its good that you could take on someone elses children but if you are feeling left out talk to your wife she is your partner after all.

Unless the biological father is deceased or has unknown whereabouts, then yes, he must give his consent in orde for his son to be adopted by another man.

I think it depends on the family. My stepfather is the best thing that ever happened to me. My real father was out of the picture. My mom encouraged my stepdad to discipline us as if we were his own. He was just as much the boss of us as she was. I married a man with a son and have the total opposite situation. His mother is nuts but still around. I have had no say in discipline or anything. It is just not fair. I feel like the maid. I just have to wait for him to move out or get tossed in jail, LOL. I wonder if I would have gotten married to him if I knew what I was in for as a step-parent.

I hear what you are saying. I guess you will have to try to create a different relationship with your step kids. Yes, you will never be their father but you can definitely be a role model and their friend. I think if you create a good relationship, they will come closer to thinking of you as dad. Try to have a good attitude and do your best, that's all you can do. Good luck to you.

you could't get become the "new" father in this family, cause the child still have one. but you could be a beloved friend for the childs, very

i guess many of adopted/step father experience the same dillema as yours. if you love your family then dont give,try to get closer to the kids,show them how much u care and love them, try to talk to them in nice talk not in anger or yell even when they done wrong.someday they'll appreciate u and love u like their own dad, but u should not give up.ever.

im' feeling very sorry for you, yes life sometimes has strange ways of upsetting our plans. i think you should have a frank talk with your wife. you know how mothers are. the main initiative should come from her, she should make her kids understand that as a father you have their best intentions at heart and they should respect you as their father. best of luck, you have a tough situation there.

I am very young to advice you on this coz I am no where near to a stage of being a father or even a husband, but I feel that sharing a biological relationship is not a necessary condition with anyone to gain intimacy. Friends, are a good example of that. Try becomming their friend. And I dont think you havent tried, but just try to be their friend in their way. Just sit with them and talk, saying that you want to be their friend, more than a father. I think something will work out.

I know what you are going through; trying to bring in an already made family is difficult.First never let the children to you and your wife fighting over them; this gives them the edge. Kids will play one parent against the other. Your wife needs to realize this.Take your discussions behind closed doors, no matter what. Always discuss every thing with the other spouse. If need be you and your spouse get some counceling and don't let the kids know about it. Your wife needs to realize kids grow up and leave the nest and start their own future. Good luck to you and may you have a blessed holiday.

Just because the kids get mad at you for disciplining them doesn't mean they don't think of you as their dad. Kids get just as upset with biological parents. They are suppose to. That's a sign you're being a good parent. Just be sure to tell them you love them every now and then too. I'll just bet you're a great dad and just don't realize it. If they don't know they will when they are older.

Sorry you are having such a rough time being a step parent. There are a few things you need to know. A child will do anything to get his/her own way even causing a divide between the parents. It just makes it worse if a step-parent is involved. I am a mother who has remarried and had 2 more children for a total of four. There is a big age difference with the older kids and the younger ones, and the younger ones are now in there teens. We have had the same problems with my olders kids who are now out of the house on their own as we are having with our two younger ones. I hear "I hate you" and other things thrown at my husband from them as much as it was the older kids. They constantly try to pit us against each other. The thing your wife has to realize is that "BOTH" of you have to stick together on discipline decisions. She can't say ok and then when it comes time to act, back down. The kids love caos and will do anything to accomplish getting their own way. Be consistent and try to get her to be consistent. I used to feel so guilty because I would try to make every one so happy by riding the middle fence. Then wonder why my husbandand I would fight. Kids need to know you love them, but they need to know right from wrong even more. Today's world is living proof. Be there for them, be firm, but most of all be loving. In the end you will be the winner. Good luck.