What do I do to get my son to get better grades!!!!!!!!?
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
United States
December 12, 2006 6:06pm CST
Okay, I'm going nuts. He's far from a stupid child. He's in an honors academy, and before anyone says maybe it's too hard for him let me assure you it's not. His problem is, he does not apply himself at all. I've done everything, forced him to go to special help, forced him to stay home or get home in time to do his homework when he's playing outdoors with his friends. Now grant you, some of it is definitely his age, 9th grade age 15, he just lives to battle anyone and anything. But at this point I'm at my wits ends. I've grounded him, I've forced him to go to special help, I've taken things from him. I honestly have nothing left to do to punish him short of beating him to the brink of death (which may be an option if he continues like this!!!!! UGH). Anyone out there been in the same situation? What do I do?!!!!! I cannot continue to allow him to do this. He's going to have a promising future asking if they want to supersize that at this rate!!!!! He's a smart kid and knows better. It's a matter of laziness on his part. He's too busy socializing and being the big cheese in the class, instead of learning and cooperating. His biggest form of failing are F's he's getting from homework and a lot of classwork!
2 people like this
70 responses
@badkat83 (1620)
• United States
13 Dec 06
i have tried everything. money. taking things away. grounding. you name it i have tried it. do you want to know what worked. nothing. my son is very smart. has some learning problems, but is very lazy. doesnt like school. homework here is a nightmare. he has all special help at school. i look at it this way. he has only 4 more years till he graduates. i can only do so much and so can you. good luck we all need it. i think we should all write a book when we are done.
1 person likes this
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
14 Dec 06
Mine is exactly the same... smart as a whip, always an honor student... just plain lazy and doesn't care this year. He thinks his 9th grade year is the year he's going to be Mr. Social.
@shirgie (230)
• United States
13 Dec 06
What learning problems does your son have? My son (also smart) wasn't reading on grade level in fourth grade. I believe he was reading about a year and a half behind. We had him tested and was told he had a learning differential (a 10 point gap is a learning disability and he had a 9 so almost considered learning disabled). We ended up homeschooling and cyberschooling him for several years. I bought him any books that he wanted to read. My son was also lazy and disorganized. Well he decided that he wanted to go back to school for high school and has entered 9th grade and on the academic fast track too. So far he is doing well because he knows if he slacks off we will take him back out of school. I have a dd 10 who is struggling now. She has hearing issues and did have eye problems that were distracting her. Even the optomoligist said she didn't have a problem but I listened to her and took her to a specialist. She had an eye convergence problem which was taken care of with eye exercises. Now her headaches and double vision are not bothering her.
All that is said because something could be bothering your son that he needs fixed. On the other hand, perhaps he needs to find the enjoyment in learning. Kids have to see a purpose to what they are doing or they won't do it. We try very hard to take the kids to anything we can educational if they are interested in it. Museums and other educational experiences that are of interest to a child can really stimulate them to learn. Don't give up, you just have to try, try again until either something works or you find some help. Not all kids are going to be good in school. The main thing is not to waste his brain. Find healthy interests and help him learn as much as he can about the subject. You will be surprised at what he learns that translates into classroom skills over time. I hope it all works out for you and your son.
@nooreldin (471)
• Kuwait
13 Dec 06
so you've tried punishment and it didn't work! why don't you go the other way?? try to give him temptational offers if he improve his grades..I'm sure this will work, as long as you are sure that he can do it and he has all the ability to get better grades if he wanted to,or if he did just more effort,well! you can make him much more interested if he got motivated..just try this out and I'm sure its gonna work!! good luck!
@jal1948 (1359)
• India
13 Dec 06
a child studies the nature of the parents in a similar manner the parents study the child. He finds out that for doing a normal job like studying which he otherwise has to do like other children he can be rewarded or punished.
He knows the maximum punishment he can get by consulting his peers and also by your nature. He can then manipulate you for giving him a reward for doing his regular studies,something like government officials demanding a bribe for performing thier duty.
1 person likes this
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
14 Dec 06
I have to agree. I don't think he should be 'rewarded' for doing what every other child is expected to do, him included. A reward based on end of the quarter grades, etc. might be fine but he needs to learn that the reward for doing his work is that he won't be in 9th grade for the next 5 years while his peers all graduate!
@baldingeagle69 (749)
• United States
22 Dec 06
I can bet you it is not because he is too busy socializing , laziness, or trying to be the big cheese. He is most likely doing this because he is bored. I had the same problem. Boredom cause all of those actions, I didn't even realize it until I was way out of school.
Don't take things from him or ground him. Challenge him. Try to make him step up his performance. Ask him to do more than is required. He will likely fight you in the beginning, but it will prove to him that he is worthy of the time he spends doing something.
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
22 Dec 06
Could very well be!!! He is going for extra help now, on his own.. so I'm thinking he was having trouble understanding and just didn't want to admit to it because he's always gotten math so easily before. Thanks!
@magikrose (5429)
• United States
13 Dec 06
Here is an incentive that worked for me back in school. Offer an amout of money for every grade example
A=$30
B=$25
C=$20
D=$15
F=$0
Or adjust it according to what you feel they deserve.
1 person likes this
@arvee17 (730)
• Philippines
13 Dec 06
i wish my parents did that when i was in school. i was a little lazy myself and like socializing better than studying. but the good thing i did before was that i made friends with the geeks in class. so they were always there to help me every time i need it. they were always on my back so my life in school was not that difficult.
so my advice to you is try to tell your son that if he likes to socialize with friends in his class, try to befriends the smart ones... it worked out for me!!!
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
14 Dec 06
Maybe I should give a negative amount for the F's.. that way if he earns $30 for an "A", he gets an "F" and loses some of that... might be incentive to not get one! lol
@cathylmg (283)
• Singapore
23 Dec 06
Sorry to hear that dear, but have you sat down with him when he does his homework? I think he might need some company when he does his homework. I kind of makes him feels important.
cathylmg
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1 person likes this
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
23 Dec 06
Thanks. I do try to spend time with all of my kids. I'm lucky enough to be a stay at home, single mom.
@ravibhagya (135)
• India
20 Dec 06
create the interest of your children on subject. and teach with the helop of computer
1 person likes this
@mjgarcia (725)
• United States
16 Dec 06
Mine just turned sixteen and is in the same boat. He's flunking three classes and now his backpack has been stolen from the car and he can't go back and makeup the missing work. This is the same kid that never even saw a c until last year. The notes I get say that he's not turning in his homework. We've even threatened to talk to his coach and make him drop crosscountry and track next year. I hope you get some helpful responses, because I need them too!
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
16 Dec 06
I guess there's some comfort in numbers! lol Perhaps it's a stage that we didn't know would come. I guess we're helping others that have boys close to this age too! lol
@clashing_titan (557)
• India
19 Dec 06
feed him almonds
its an old chinese remedy to increase brain power
feel ur kid almonds and spank him if he wastes time and dsnt study..beat the hell outta him and punish him if he watches tv, dont give him food for days and shave his head off if he pays too much of attention to his looks
leave nothing in his life except books and almonds
it wud work..guaranteed~!!
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
20 Dec 06
Well he IS a nut himself!! lol I'll have to try that. He loves nuts, not sure about almonds!
@nirmalgold (295)
• India
13 Dec 06
You see the option I give you may be the one which no one would have said. But in order to make it work successfully you must make your son to do a job. You say he is 15. So don't let him go to school for a year. I hope that it is waste sending him to school as you said he is not studying. Make him stay back in home and ask him to do jobs and most importantly don't ever make him interact with his friends most often. Just allow him on some days. Make him to feel how difficult the manual jobs will be. Then he will automatically study from the next year. This is the case that we had in our home for my brother. But I hope it may be different in your country. But make sure you don't follow all instructions that I have given. Make some adjustments and please consult about this to any other person because the case may be different in your country. So I hope it will make him lonely and if you love your son too much you have to control yourself.
1 person likes this
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
14 Dec 06
By law he HAS to go to school. There's not an option of a year off here in the States.
@cooldude8889 (2609)
• Singapore
16 Dec 06
Try having a serious talk with him without scaring him or make him feel uncomfortable.Make him calm down first.The reason he is getting F's is because he is not able to clam down and study properly.there are too many distraction like socialising.Try telling him that he can socialise as long as he understands what the teacher is teaching.Try to teach him how to divide his time.WITHOUT limiting his time to socialise.Tell him that he needs to complete his homework or study a CHAPTER.(don't say study for 2 hours kids don't like time limitations.)When he settles down he will be able to study.(DON't PUT THE CLOCK OR ANY TIME ON THE TABLE)Guide him along and make sures he understand by giving him small amount of practices.And when he has confident of solving the first few questions,he will probably find it fun and contiune and in no time he will complete the whole chapter of the textbook of whatever subject.
1 person likes this
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
16 Dec 06
Good suggestions. I have noticed that since this post and after I had the original talk, not yell session.. lol... he has made a serious effort. He's going to after school help once a week (all they offer) for the subject he's failing and I have a friend that's a teacher that is trying to help him. I hope he changes. He's such a bright boy and has so much to look forward to.
@onesiobhan (1327)
• Canada
13 Dec 06
First off, is it possible he has a learning disability of some kind? My sister is brilliant and all through her school career teachers blamed her low grades on her being lazy. Turned out she was dyslexic. And yeah, not that interested in doing school work when all her hard work didn't amount to anything.
Secondly, some people just aren't academically inclined. Seme go on to University, some are happier working with their hands. It's not an issue of intelligence, just inclination.
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
14 Dec 06
No, he gets A's and has gotten all A's his entire life. This is a matter of rebellion or laziness, however you'd like to look at it. I do know part of it is lack of understanding, and I understand this, but the F is coming from the fact he does NO homework, NO classwork and then fails the tests. If he would get even C's in homework and classwork, he could pull a C or a D in a grade.
I whole heartedly agree that academics is not for everyone and he's had the opportunity to go to a technical school if he so desired but he didn't. He's always done well academically.
@Shannanw (39)
• United States
15 Dec 06
I think he might be trying to fit in with his peers. Some kids at this rebel against there parents because they think they are uncool and such. He will grow out of it. My advice is to continue what you are doing and to pray for him. While I don't have any teenagers of my own. My mom pushed me to be the person I am today. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@HockeyChick268931 (24)
• United States
14 Dec 06
Sit down with him every night and put forth the effort to make sure hes getting everything done. Make him show you all the work he has to get done and make him show you when hes "done it".THEN LET HIM GO OUT AND PLAY. And when he pulls the "They didnt give me any home work" thing call his teachers and ask.
Just make his life a little more crappy till he finds out he has to do work. AND DONT JUST THREATEN AND NOT DO ANYTHING! That never works especially because he knows he can get away with it.
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
14 Dec 06
spoken like a true and very smart big sister.... did your mommy tell u she loves u? lol
love you.... mom
@cktrotter (2)
•
15 Dec 06
Honestly, I'd have him work at McDonald's or some similar type of job on the weekend or a time that does not conflict with his school studies. I am sure at some point he will understand what you mean about his future and his choices. Gl, 15 is a tough age to parent and a tough age to be!
1 person likes this
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
15 Dec 06
It is a tough age.. I agree. We've talked... and I THINK he's understanding the consequences. I hope!!!!!
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
13 Dec 06
This must be so frustrating for you!
One oddball suggestion which may not work:
9th grade (around here, anyway) does not actually affect university admission unless you actually fail. Why not just let your son get a few bad grades, and then he can see the consequences of just goofing off? Set a low point: say a C or a C+ at which he is grounded, and then just don't bring it up unless he asks for help. Maybe if you are always reminding him to do his work, he doesn't feel as responsible about it, because he feels like it's your job to make him do it, rather than his job to try to do it.
I really don't know. Most of the kids I work with are quite anxious about their grades.
1 person likes this
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
14 Dec 06
His 9th grade in the state of PA does effect his graduation abilities. Unfortunately if he fails, while he can make up the class, he will be taken out of the honors academy, that HE wanted to be a part of. That means he will also be 3 credits behind to graduate, which means he will have to double up on his math and history classes and also make so he cannot participate in any sports. He wants to participate in sports too, so wouldn't you think he'd make an effort. A "C" is all I ask for. Passing. Not brilliant! lol
@bspears (3)
• United States
13 Dec 06
get rid of the television.
get rid of all non scolastic book.
lock up any toys (including play station or the like).
password the computer. so the only time he can get on is with your help. Block all fun web sites from the computer or his account on the computer. You may need to find someone to help you on that one.
He does not go anyware for 2-3 hours after school.
Cut out some or all school activities.
Allowed to see friend on weekend after 4 - 5 hours of study or when all homework and papers are done.
work along these lines and he should start doing better.
Will he resent it. Ofcourse he will. I just wish someone had done it for me when I was his age. Tell him play time is not a right it is a privlage. That is just a fact of life.
I think he in not motivated enough to go against the grain of his friends who all just want to hang out and have a good time. This serves no purpose and is a waist of life.
1 person likes this
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
14 Dec 06
lol.. wow.. I thought I was strict!!!!!!
I won't make him come in right after school for the simple reason that he just got out of academics and to force him to continue it will just be too much. I think he does deserve a break in time to let his brain rest. But I have password locked the computer and he has no video games. He has a tv in his room, I could remove that. We're not exactly a high tech family. I'm a real minimalist compared to most! lol
@sogeeahouse123 (451)
• Nigeria
13 Dec 06
there other things this child is good at doing concerntrate on those areas
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
14 Dec 06
he HAS to pass these classes in order to graduate... it doesn't matter what he's good at.. as long as he gets passing grades
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
13 Dec 06
I remember raising my twin sons and watching other parents while doing so. My sons are now in their early 30's and doing fine.
Honors academy or not, bright or dull, sooner or later the priorities set by nature are not going to be the same as yours. A bright, normal son or daughter has alot of other things going on besides school and activities...they are becoming adults. The internal clock of human development doesn't take a back seat just because it would be more convenient...and lead to good grades.
Of course the work isn't too hard. but it does take up too much of his time and energy, and it is HIS life that is the focus here. Not parental aspirations. Many times it is best to place a fellow in this situation back into regular classes. I am thinking more of long term results, not the next grading period.
Your relationship with him, and his relationship with himself, will determine more about his overall future than his ability to get really great grades in an honors program. Good mental and emotional hygiene and knowing that his parents will not manipulate him for their own ends, will serve all of you better than any attempts to push him where he will not go.
The general air of verbal parental disapproval in these circumstances, causes alot of permanent damage ESPECIALLY in those who are bright. One of the first things to get damaged is trust. He needs to trust that you will find him a worthwhile human whether or not he is in the honors program. He needs to see that you are not going to manipulate him "for his own good"....because he will see that it is not for his own good, but to save you from a disappointment of some type.
As far as "allowing" him a particular type of behaviour, he is too old for that approach. He can adapt to consequences, which means he will adapt when he is out on his own. You really don't have to worry about his future, it is his...not yours.
A good thing to do is to stop talking and insisitng.
You are training him to tune you out. Sit down and figure out what things YOU must have in the home, to keep life sane...NOT to have your idea of a good son. Work on those first. Maneuver around those things that are invitations for confrontation.
His room is messy? Shut the door and move on. If his behaviour is not acceptable, then remove those things that you bought him...and they never return. He can earn back everything in his bedroom if need be, and there is no law against that.
Take the emotional part out of the equation, because that is where the conflict festers. Use a point system, marble jars, or some other external tool that mirrors law enforcement and traffic law, he will have to learn that anyway. Don't take him learn to drive if his behaviour doesn't improve at a consistent rate and remain at a certain level. You determine what that will look like. This is not the manipulation of saying "if you do x you will be rewarded with y". It is "these are the logical consequences of your actions".
He knows a threat when he hears it...so stop letting him hear it....and just go to the consequence.
You said he knows better, then just assume he knows the consequences and stop trying to convince him he wants to avoid them.
Once you get a nice, quiet system in place you have a foundation to work from. It looks like treating him like a child is no longer appropriate. He needs to stand up and take it like a man.
1 person likes this
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
14 Dec 06
Odd you should comment about the room... it's beyond messy and I definitely close the door and ignore. The rule being, you want friends over.. it has to be cleaned. When it makes a difference to him (such as when he wants friends to sleep over) it immediately gets cleaned. lol
We're not a loud family. It's just me and my 3 teens. (there's an oxymoron right there.. not loud and me and my 3 teens! lol) and I would never berate him, but I have to let him know the consequences of his choice here. I just hate to see him become a 'loser' and basically laughed at as his twin sister graduates and he's still got 2 years left!
@Echo123 (155)
• United States
13 Dec 06
If you are 100% sure he is capable of the grade-level work he is being assigned, is not struggling with comprehension, and is not dealing with organizational issues, then the next best move is to try to find ways to positively reinforce the behavior you desire -- in this case good grades and school success. Punishing him and taking stuff away is apparently not working, because he is just bucking against you. He is finding a foothold and is happy with the way things are as they stand.
Get together with his teacher and brainstorm ways to motivate him so that in the end he feels like he is the one choosing to change.
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
14 Dec 06
Good suggestions. I am working with the teacher. My problem there is that I'm disabled and find it hard to get to the school sometimes. If his teacher were more accessible via email that would help me a lot.. but he's not. I'm not giving up. I love this kid with all my heart and I KNOW he is a smart kid. He has so many dreams too and I'm not willing to let him just drop them.
@10190190 (36)
• United States
13 Dec 06
I am one of those kids.....I was a late bloomer and still am, I usually don't post too long of things but seeing as how I have insight ti think i can help. You children mentally are too smart for the school systems, the ting that can help is finding some "special" advanced children program so that they can be with other advanced children, and hopefully ggrow a bit faster mentally...sooner or later they will wise up like i did and start to find their way, I wised up and within one weeek of putting myself to it found an engineering job without even having my associated yet... so keep on then set a guidline, use some ind of list, most likely they are so fast mentally that they are taking in too many projects. consider them sponges they take in anything and evrything...they may be taking in too much..DO NOT put your children on mediaction it hampers the mind, help their minds grow not hinder them..
1 person likes this
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
14 Dec 06
I can relate to this and I must tell you, I would NEVER put my kid on medication. That was an option when he was very young still, the school said he was hyper active. He wasn't hyper active, he was bored shitless! I homeschooled him for his entire grade school, him and his 2 sisters, and they were told high school would be when they go to public school. They actually started public school in 6th grade and did so good. Then, middle school, they hated the school and I hated the teachers in it (it was a horrible school) so we went back to homeschooling for those 2 years (7th & 8th) but those years he didn't want to learn and I was battling cancer and disabilities from the cancer. They both (he and his twin sister) did okay, but I knew they didn't get what they needed from me anymore. I feel more comfortable with them being taught by a certified teacher at this point.
While what you say may have some merit, he could be bored, I think his 'boredom' comes from simply having a poor teacher (but I have no choice, there is no other teacher offered) and deciding it's not worth the work to learn.
To be honest, I'm so glad you answered because you did give me a bit of insight to the problem too. Add on that he IS bored, because he can't learn it. He's a smart kid, just has to be taught a certain way. This is a kid that learned statistics in 2nd grade. How? Because he is a goalie, loves hockey and would sit with the morning paper and figure out the stats of the games the night before! Not that he couldn't do it, he could do it easily, he just had no desire to do it because he didn't like it. When he saw it applied to hockey he caught right on and advanced! The problem is, I'm not the teacher and can't do that for him now! I can try to help, but I honestly don't have the ability anymore because of my disabilities.