Abusive Relationships
@helpful_ideas (1620)
United States
December 17, 2006 9:06pm CST
I don't know how to be friends with someone in an abusive relationship. Having been in that type of relationship before and in retrospect wishing to the gods that anyone had been brave enough to stand up to me then.
I was in a bad place and needed someone to tell me that. No they would not have been my best friend nor even in the top 20 for a while but it may have gotten me to thinking that it wasn't ALL my fault. I probably wouldn't have listened and pushed them away, but it may have gotten me that much closer to being free in my own head.
I lost a friend because of rumors of me saying something similar to what I needed to have heard. I didn't actually say them, but I thought them very loudly.
So, I just don't know how to continue a friendship in that situation.
I have a friend right now who works his/her tushie off and it is "never enough", "always (his/her) fault", and guilt trips abounding. He/she is overjoyed at the love being shown when the spouse treats him/her nicely. If you love someone, shouldn't you treat them well? That should be the rule not the exception.
I want to tell him/her to wake up and that their spouse needs to treat him/her better. But honestly, I would lose a friend and I'm not sure it would help anyway. I'm very much at odds with myself about this.
Had I not been in the situation myself and known just how horrid it feels, I would just butt out entirely. Right now I feel like I am reaching out for a drowning person though, not sure what to hand him/her.
19 responses
@euniceeleanor (5966)
• Singapore
18 Dec 06
i understand how you feel....and you yourself has gone through the horrifying experience that you would never want even your enemy to go through..if you have a friend who's going through the same thing, maybe you should not give him/her advise to get out from the relationship as it would affect your friendship...why dont you just share with him/her your experience and hope that they get the message? if it falls on deaf ear, at least you know you've done your part..and you dont have to feel so guilty with what's going to happen in the future...it's really sad when we know that our friend need help...and we couldnt do much to help anyway..im sorry..hope you take care of yourself!
1 person likes this
@helpful_ideas (1620)
• United States
18 Dec 06
Actually, that's a pretty good idea, but the problem is: I can't get my friend alone to talk to him/her and his/her spouse is very jealous especially around me.
@helpful_ideas (1620)
• United States
18 Dec 06
Thanks. I think I am going to have to get pretty clever to work some alone time or even deliver a note. Maybe use my spouse as a distraction.
@euniceeleanor (5966)
• Singapore
18 Dec 06
oh..then that's very tough...try sending email/sms/letters/small notes...any means of reaching him/her...try your very best, my friend..without putting yourself in any danger! Take Care
1 person likes this
@helpful_ideas (1620)
• United States
18 Dec 06
That's why I am asking for help here. To see if anyone else has some ideas on how to best work out the situation.
@chiquita1977 (1706)
• United States
18 Dec 06
I have been in arelationship like this before and it took awlie but i left everyone tried telling me to but i did not listen.your friend just needs a friend dont turn your back on her she will eventally get the courage to leave and say she has had enough but she needs you.people should not treat people like this but they do.its not love when they do its cruel and unnecessary people like this will never change no matter how much we want them to be nice and not abusive but just be there for your friend no matter what.she needs you more than you think she does.
@helpful_ideas (1620)
• United States
18 Dec 06
I fully intend on being there for him/her any time he/she needs me. It just makes me feel bad watching him/her constantly being emotionally and psychologically abused.
@bryelee (451)
• United States
18 Dec 06
I don't know either, my older sister has aalways had an abusive boyfriend. I know this sounds bad, but I tend to avoid these people becasue they have to end it and it seems all people want to do is whine about what is happening to them. I don't want to hear about it. I want to hear how you are moving on with your life and making it better. I know all people in an abusive realtionship are not like that. I think its draining becasue there isn't anything you can do but hope that the person leaves the abuser.
1 person likes this
@helpful_ideas (1620)
• United States
18 Dec 06
Most people in that situation don't realize they are in that situation. That's the hard part. That's why I'm not sure whether I should say something at all or not and if I should say something, then how?
@dechocolate (62)
• United States
18 Dec 06
Any relationship where you are mistreated, that person needs to get strong, hold there head up and walk out the door.
There is no need to be mistreated by anyone! Friendship, co-workers, whom ever. Speak up for yourself. And demand respect from that person.
When I was younger, I went through a some crap in life. Now, I wish someone would try and disrespect me, or abuse me in any kind of way.
It's a touch subject, but if something bad did happen how would you feel if you didn't speak with her about it?
@helpful_ideas (1620)
• United States
18 Dec 06
So you would speak with him/her about it then? I can't get alone with him/her long enough away form the spouse to be able to have a good discussion. I'm thinking about using my spouse to keep the other spouse busy.
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
18 Dec 06
I;'ve been in abusive relationships, and coming from one the BEST thing I can suggest is to just be there for that person. Don't turn them away.
@helpful_ideas (1620)
• United States
18 Dec 06
It isn't a case of turning them away so much as, do I tell him/her that he/she needs to get out and get help and if so how?
@rubypatson (1840)
• India
18 Dec 06
If its a physical abuse and or constant verbal abuse then one must consider going to a counseller, maybe you can suggest that to your friend if that does not help then they must consider a short separation maybe the person might repent
1 person likes this
@helpful_ideas (1620)
• United States
18 Dec 06
I'm having a problem even bringing the topic up with the friend though. He/she is so wrapped around the spouse that I am afraid he/she will shut down the moment I say anything negative about the spouse. One of the worst parts is the spouse is now wanting to get kids involved in all of this.
@littlered361970 (1052)
• United States
18 Dec 06
to me its easy can can see the signs and help them better when you been through that!
1 person likes this
@judy_lozon (143)
• United States
18 Dec 06
all i can honestly say is you can only be there for that person. for my -self i was in a very abusive relation-ship my-self. at times i know it is not easy knowing some-one you really care about is being hurt but in the end when they wake up and walk away from it all; that is when they will really need you the most so right now all you can do is be a friend even knowing it's hard.
1 person likes this
@helpful_ideas (1620)
• United States
18 Dec 06
I personally got out of an abusive relationship as well. We were lucky/blessed/strong to be able to get out. Not everyone is.
@crystal8577 (1466)
• United States
18 Dec 06
It is always hard to watch people we care about get hurt or make mistakes. Sometimes the only thing we can do is stand by & just be there. They are going to be the one who ultimatly has to decide that enough is enough. A lot of us do not take advice from others no matter how sound the advice may be.
@helpful_ideas (1620)
• United States
18 Dec 06
*sigh* That is a difficult lesson for me. Thanks for pointing it out though.
@helpful_ideas (1620)
• United States
18 Dec 06
They already went to see a marriage therapist and the spouse decided that he therapist was "trying to steal" my friend.
@bbboricua03 (183)
• United States
18 Dec 06
I have a friend who's in an abusive relationship, verbal and physical. There's really not much you can do, unfortunately, because no matter what, she's most likely never going to want to press charges against him. You have to let her make her own decisions
1 person likes this
@helpful_ideas (1620)
• United States
18 Dec 06
I really wish this guy/gal would realize how much he/she is being hurt by it. He/she is so young and losing a good part of his/her life to this.
@cuddleme01 (2725)
• Philippines
18 Dec 06
an abusive relationship is never worth it. one should get out from it.. don't let anyone, not even the closest to you abuse you. take charge of your life.. you have the choice! dont be a victim of abuse!
1 person likes this
@helpful_ideas (1620)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Thanks. Telling him/her something like that may work. Not sure about delivery though. how would you suggest?
@mrpune23 (31)
• India
18 Dec 06
your sistuation is some what the same i am experiencing..
Right now I am sick of my girl.. who just fights and argues
even for her mistake i sud say sorry..
I control such thing for over 3 yrs..
now i am just sick of it..
have left everything on time...
1 person likes this
@helpful_ideas (1620)
• United States
18 Dec 06
If you are feeling everything is always your fault and there is nothing you can do right in the relationship, then you should leave. The thing is, a relationship is a two-way partnership and no matter how much bad you do it can never be "all your fault". That's a key sign of someone else in the relationship not accepting responsibility and only doling out blame, a relationship quickly on its way to the grave in one form or another. Best to end it before someone gets seriously hurt.
@maddog108 (3435)
• Australia
18 Dec 06
not a good situation to be in.and if you interfere you could easyly become the blame for it all.your friend needs your help but not yet when there ready to get out.sit back a bit be there for them but dont get to involved .i know its not easy i feel the pain to when i see this going on but the best way is to step back be strong and when your needed then act
1 person likes this
@helpful_ideas (1620)
• United States
18 Dec 06
The hard part is his spouse really needs a friend too and doesn't understand his/her own abusive behavior. Thanks for the advice.
@onesiobhan (1327)
• Canada
18 Dec 06
It's really hard to help somebody in that kind of a situation. They have to be ready to accept help and they have to trust the person they are asking.
Let your friend know that you are there for her no matter what. And let her decide how she wants that help and when to ask for it. That's pretty much all you can do.
@helpful_ideas (1620)
• United States
18 Dec 06
But trying to figure out a way to say that without putting the spouse on the defensive is the hard part. At this point, his/her mind is so wrapped around what the spouse says that I have to be very careful not to speak any ill of the spouse at all or my friend will shut right down. I've seen him/her do it with another friend.
@helpful_ideas (1620)
• United States
18 Dec 06
And that is my problem with being a Mommy too. I need to learn to let go a bit more.
