ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics)

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Remember the days of growing up. Summer vacation, seeing friends again come September. Playing hide and seek or just hanging around with friends and enjoying your childhood. But what about when you grow up in a home where alcoholism rules the nest? The smile you put to go to school or when you're with friends? The shame? Most times no one saw what went on behind closed doors but there are times when my father's alcoholism was witnessed by neighbors and as a kid I kind of went along and laughed at the stupidity of his actions. But what happens when you grow up, leave home and try to make it on your own? Perhaps I wasn't any better. Between the ages of 11 to 20 is a blur for me. I spent those years wasted out of my mind for what? to escape? As an adult people would comment how good I looked or how sure of myself I seemed to be but fact be known I think as ACOAs we live a double life; one of a child inside torn apart and one has an adult trying to conceal this child who is broken. I think ACOAs are 10 year old kids who were going on 30 and then become 30 year old adults going on 10 (emotionally speaking at often times). At 24 I joined a 12 step group for ACOAs but I found that being reminded that I was a victim of my father's drinking and abuse was not what I needed to hear; I needed answers and ways to cope and move on with my life not taking a step forward and two back. Alcoholism and its impact on adults who grow up in a co-dependent home are multifolded. The fear of intimacy, the fear of beig told you are loved, either you become them or not, the emotional, mental, and physical impact it has on your life and the list goes on. I was lucky enough to realize at a young age that I did not want to follow in his foosteps; that I wanted a better life. I don't have any kids, I'd love to but in reality the thought scares me; what if I became my father with my children? the abusive father. Anyone out there grew up this way and has resolved these issues or has a hard time dealing with growing up as an ACOA?