What to do with Step-children???
By reinydawn
@reinydawn (11643)
United States
December 18, 2006 8:36pm CST
OK, I'm going to try to be brief... Here's a little background. I was divorced from my first husband over 13 years ago. My current husband was divorced about 5 years ago. We met almost 3 years ago, were engaged within 6 months, married a year later, and have been very happy.
EXCEPT for the situation with his kids. When I was first introduced to them they were 15 (boy) & 14 (girl). We got along great for quite a while - did puzzles together, went to dinner, joked around, walks. His daughter and I even joked about guys and stuff... Then when their mother found out we were engaged (well, it was shortly after we announced it anyways) she calls him and tells him that she wants to try to get back together and be a family again. (oh, and she never even said she'd stop seeing her boyfriend, the one she was cheating around on him with when they were married) Well, he says no and ever since that day I have been the evilist person alive. It's mostly the daughter, but the son is a reall idiot too.
We had to physically drag the daughter to the wedding and she flat our refused to come to the reception. Ever since we moved into our current house (2 years ago) she has probably visited with her father 12 times, each time maybe an hour average. She decided that my sons (21 & 18 at the time) were going to rape her so she wasn't comfortable over here. She also decided I was rude because I burped, manupulative (I guess I can be), and I didn't make her feel comfortable either. It was basically one story after another.
Well, last fall, my husband was served papers because his ex-wife wanted full custody, and that was the daughters wishes also (according to the letter we got). We offered more child support and would not budge on the custody or visitation schedule (although we were offering to be flexible if the daughter would be put in family counseling). A year later, and a boatload of legal bills later, and no counseling with the daughter that anyone could prove, the daughter got her own lawyer and HER lawyer drafted papers that were EXACTLY, almost WORD FOR WORD what we offered a year earlier. The judge basically told the mother she's doing more harm than good for her daughter, sign the papers (she's actually geting less child support than we offered) and stop meddling with the relationship.
Now the daughter will have nothing to do with us still. She is 17 and refuses to speak to her father - even when we have seen her in person she rudely ignores her father.
Here's my issue.... Tomorrow night is her school holiday music program (she's in the choir). Her father has never missed one and wants to go to this one also. I am NOT going, I am respecting her wishes and pretending she does not exist. I think he should do the same. I think he's sending her the wrong message by letter her treat him like sh*t and then turning around and supporting her activities. I think he should also respect her wishes and not go.
Her birthday was a month ago, we sent her a decent check in her card, but the check has not been cashed yet. I am pretty sure she threw the card out without even openning it (that is, if her mother even let her know she got it). For Christmas, we are not sending her anything. If she wants something from us, she will have to be the mature adult she has professed herself to be and come get whatever it is we deem appropriate (a lump of coal if it was up to me!). I don't think we'll see her, and I'm sure her brother (who never misses out on a freebee) will have instructions to bring her horde back to her. NOT HAPPENING!!
Do you think I am being unreasonable?? My husband asked me again tonight if I plan on going to the concert tomorrow and I told him I was very upset that he was still considering going. I am NOT going.
Sorry to rant and rave, but this is very frustrating for us. Any input you have would be appreciated.
3 people like this
23 responses
@linns31 (213)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Ya know when you marry a person with children you are getting a package deal. If you don't want to be a part of the daughters life why did you get involved in this family? She is still a child and doesn't get the choice of having a relationship with her father or not. I don't understand why you would want to shut her out. If my husband acted that way towards my kids(which are not his) I would be getting a divorce! I bet in her mind you are what kept her parents from getting back together, therefore she hates you. No big deal. Why hasn't your husband demanded on family counseling? I would have if my kids were treating me and my husband in this way. I just don't feel the love that should be there by either of you from what you are saying. Don't you know that a parents love is unconditional? That means you love them no matter what they do! Why do parents not know this? When you married this guy you became "mom" to these kids, where is the unconditional love for these kids? They have been through a big turmoil in their lives and it sounds like you don't care. ll I am hearing in the statement you wrote is me, me, me. What do yo think those kids are feeling right now?
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Yup, I did take the package deal. I opened my heart and my life to these children (yes, I do call them children, not the young adults they should be). I gave to them freely for as long as they would allow it. Yup, it was only a short time because I am almost positive that they were told (at the age of 15 & 17) that the reason mommy and daddy wont be getting back together again is because I was in the picture (never mind the boyfriend she had and they couldn't stand either, who by the way helped break up their parent's marriage in the first place). We had a great relationship until then. Maybe I didn't convey that in my original post...
During the custody battle last year (over a 16 year old, not a child) we were seriously contemplating going for full custody to get her out of what we thought was an emotionally harmful situation and under our care - yeah, OUR care. We did succeed in getting a court order for family counseling, but short of tying her up and dragging her into the session, it's not going to happen. We dropped the full custody part because we decided (with the help of a therapist) that at this juncture it might not be the best thing for her. She is the one that has cut all ties and shut us out of her life. We had absolutely no choice in the matter. The queen has spoken and we are to obey.
I've been beating my head against a brick wall for 2 years or so now and I have a really bad headache. Sorry, but I've wasted enough time on her and it is time for me now. All I'm doing is respecting her wishes and trying to show her that she needs to take some responsibility for her actions. She'll be 18 in less than a year, legally an adult. Unfortunately, I don't know that she'll know how to start acting like one. I think that this "unconditional love" you are talking about is part of the reason. I call that afraid of being a parent.
Hey, but thanks for you comments. I know not everyone agrees with everyone else on things - especially when it comes to raising children :) Us parents tend to be a bit territorial in that respect...
1 person likes this
@linns31 (213)
• United States
19 Dec 06
How can you say it isn't part of being a parent? I myself am 34 and mom was in my life we were good friends until she started seeing this guy. Now she doesn't have time for me. I feel hurt and angry at her for not being there for me anymore. I have 6 kids of my own and I can say that no matter what they do or how they act I will always love them and always be there for them. Wether they want me or not. That is being a parent. You don't stop being a parent when they turn 18! I think you need to stop blaming the daughter and the mother for what's going on right now. Maybe you need to look at your actions. It doesn't seem like you are to interested in being a part of the daughters life because it is not easy to do. Some of the best things in life we have to fight for. I don't hear a willingness to fight to have a relationship with the daughter all I am hearing is you and your feelings. I understand that you are fed up but if it was one of your kids treating your husband this way how would you deal with the situation?
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
20 Dec 06
Unfortunately I think you are confusing unconditional love with your responsibilities as a parent. Um... it is possible to have both. I never said this child wasn't loved and I'm not sure why you think that, other than maybe I believe in taking responsibily for ones actions and you may view that as not loving someone???
I'm simply very frustrated with the way she is not "parented" - for lack of better word. She has never had to face up to the consequences of her actions and I feel that as a parent it is our responsibility to show our children how this kinda thing works. Especially as they are about to enter adulthood when it is very important to do so. How can you say you love a child but you refuse to help them grow into responsible adults? I feel that by not giving our children all the tools they need in this world (and accountability is one that is sorely lacking in society today) you cannot be preparing them to be productive memebers of society. Do you honestly think it's ok to teach out kids that you can do whatever you want and someone else will always be around to pick up the peices for you?
Unfortunately, you and I veiw "love" in two different ways - one of the great aspects of human nature is our ability to have different opinions. I'm sure the best answer is probably a mixture of the two.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!!!
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Thank you for your comments and suggestions. I do hope you are right!!!
@Jshean20 (14348)
• Canada
19 Dec 06
I think that you're doing the right thing by not going, I think you should let your husband go if he wants to though because he knows his daughter the best and he'd probably like to get his daughter back. Maybe seeing her dad there would show her that he still cares and maybe her and him could try to work out their differences, or maybe this is something that she'd remember down the road when she's a little more mature. Obviously the kids had no right to blame you for what took place between their mom and dad but they're still young and I know that divorce can really take a toll on kids emotions.
2 people like this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Unfortunatly, he really doesn't know his kids all that well any more. He tends to still treat them like they are 10 year old. We do want very much for her to be a part of our lives again, but I think that by disrepecting her wishes he is pushing her furhter away (his counselor has told him the same thing).
I wish you could be right in saying that she will appreciate her father because he showed up, but I'm sure we'll get the same treatment we always do - an e-mail or phone call telling us to stay out of her life. I think he's got to give her time to settle down without trying to force his way into her life. I hope you're right though!!!
Thanks for your comments!!!!
@mansha (6298)
• India
19 Dec 06
I think both you and your hubby are right in yur own way. Its okay for you not to go and its okay for him to still go. I know she doesn't want him there but she like all teenagers does not know what she actually wants. When she sees him there, she will be happy in some corner of her heart too. She is angry with you because she sthinks you took her father away from her not knowing the actual truth because of her mothers brain washing. She was just a kid and lost her family and she just found you to blame. DO not worry just give her the silent trearment, she will one day grow up and realise her mistake.You know her concert may be a memory of her father she will carry in her heart forever so let your hubby go. Sometimes those whom we love most hurt us most.
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
19 Dec 06
I think you've hit the nail right on the head, that's pretty much how I'm feeling. And it's pretty much the same things I've learned in the parenting classes I took when I was first divorced and had to help my kids through this same kind of situation with their father.
I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt and not pre-judge. But when I am treated with such blatant disrespect it's very hard for me to get over that. The hardest part is watching what she has done to my husband. He's going to go tonight - he thinks he's going to be able to sneak in and not be seen, then sneak back out. Well, someone will see him, his daughter will find out and he'll either get a nasty e-mail or phone call telling him to keep out of her life. It's happenned consistently for the past couple years, I'm sure she'll do it this time too. Then he's moping around broken-hearted because she treats him this way. And I get to be the consoling understanding wife again. But I cannot be the consoling understanding step-mother until SHE'S ready for that.
Hey, thanks for you comment!!!
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
19 Dec 06
no, you are not being unreasonable. while in many cases biological children don't recognise their parents, its too much to expect perfect bonhomie between step-children & step-parents. its good that you have stopped trying, its not worth it. but don't prevent your husband from going, its his call, he has memories to relive which you don't even know of. it would definitely be unreasonable to blackmail him into submission.
2 people like this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Unfortunalty for me, I don't hold any punches. I pretty much say what's on my mind. I think it's better to get things out in the open than keep them festering inside. So I'm going to tell him how I feel about it. I've told tell him I think it's wrong for him to go against his daughters wishes and maybe he should just let her learn what she has done. Otherwise, won't she just think she can treat people however badly she wants, but she can still expect them to treat her at the top notch?
Hey, thanks for your time and your post!!!!
1 person likes this
@bonnielass (484)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Im so sorry your going through this. I have step kids from my first marriage and the weird things is all the sudden. Im not even with there dad any longer. There jealous of the daughter we have together. So figure this is out of you have there dad and they feel you stole him. Which you didnt. Stand strong in time things should turn around.
(hug)
2 people like this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Yeah, it's really hard to try to figure out what they're thinking. I guess I just wasn't raised to treat people that way and it's really hard for me to condone that kind of behaviour. I know eventually they "should" grow up and will hopefully realize we are not the evil-hearted people they think we are. It's just very hard dealing with the "here and now" part of it all.
Thanks for you comments!!!!
1 person likes this
@mrsjumppuppy03 (3301)
• United States
19 Dec 06
I too have been subjected to a divorced/remarry situation. The best advice I can give is to let him deal with his daughter and support his decisions. You two have chosen to be married for better or worse. Unfortunately, the worse has to deal with the step children and the ex-spouse. You can give your opinions and concern, just not in front of the children. If they see how angry you are, they will feed off of it and make the situation worse and they will blame you for controling their Father. Be patient, kind and openly accepting of them. In time, they will come around, it might take them until they too are parents. Enjoy the life you are making with your new husband and try to not let the kids come between you. (spoken from life experience: daughter 13, married when she was 10 and been part of her life since she was 7. She now loves me as a Bio-Mom and trash talks her real Mom for constantly letting her down). I hope your story will have a happy ending. Good Luck!
2 people like this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Oh, I am such a firm believer in not discussing our personal "problems" in front of any of our kids. Unless and issue deals directly with that person, like they are leaving a wet towel on the bathroom floor or something like that. And I really wouldn't have to worry about either of his children seeing how upsetting this is for us because they have chosen to not have anything to do with us - long before the problems developed this far. I keep telling my husband that they will come around eventually, but the more he keeps pushing himself on them the worse it's going to get.
Thanks for the "food for thought". And good luck with you too!
1 person likes this
@mrsjumppuppy03 (3301)
• United States
15 Mar 07
I'm in a similar situation. My husband is always there for his daughter, which is fine. I love her like my own. Her Bio Motheris the one who blames financial reasons or other social engagements for not showing up at school functions. Which irritates me and my step-daughter. All children want the love and support of their parents. I understand your position and frustration. The best thing for you to do is to step out of the situation. When it comes to your husbands children, let HIM handle everything...... that means all gifts and all activities. I have to put my foot down occassionally and make my husband be responsible for his child and for dealing with his ex-wife. My philosophy is~~is that I married my husband, not his kid and ex-wife ~~ I am a person and that I demand respect and will not be abused by either of them. If he choses to cowtail to their every whim, it will be after OUR bills are paid. I refuse to be the one to drive our step-daughter to her Mothers, I will occasssionally ride along. I've put my foot down that in 2 weeks when my husband starts working on Friday nights that I will NOT drive his daughter to her Mothers, that she will have to wait until Saturday morning or later depending upon our schedule.
Save yourself the stress and just let him deal with everything and you just sit back and watch. He has to support his children, you don't. If he can't enforce them to respect you and give gratitude for gifts, it is not worth your time. Stop the fighting between your husband and yourself, save the marriage and let the kids be. You can't force him to break his ties with his children, that is not fair on your part to even insist on it. It is frustrating and upsetting, but you don't have to deal with it, let him do everything and anything for his kids. That means you do no shopping, cooking, driving, laudry, games, parties, ect that would involve his kids.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
15 Mar 07
Hey, thanks for the insight. For a little update, it's been 6 months since he's seen his daughter. He's called and sent her cards. The check we sent for her birthday (November, it's now March) was never cashed. We're pretty sure she either never got it (her mother most likely threw it away before she saw it) or she threw it out herself without opening it. We tried to get together with her for Christmas - no response from her at all. Since my husband is "not allowed" to call her on her cell phone - they had the number changed and wont give it to him (yes, I know that's almost against DSS regulations) - he has to call the house and the x-wife is the only one allowed to check the machine, so we know she's probably not getting the messages. He is very heart broken over this, but I think it just gets worse for everyone involved when he tries to force himself on her.
As for me, I can't stand his kids (ha, kids, they're both going to be over 18 soon!). They take no responsibility for their actions and think the whole world owes them everything because their parents are divorced. I refuse to give in to that kind of mentality. I just hope one day they are allowed to grow up and they realize what has really happened in their lives.
@innechen (1318)
• Indonesia
19 Dec 06
i think u have done ur best for ur husband's daughter, but since now she is not a kid anymore then you dont have to worried so much about her anymore,but you cant stop ur husband to come to her show,however he is her father.even if u feel that u had enough with her but as a wife u still hv to be supportive to ur husband.if he still want to sent something to her then its ok to sent it.its not ur fault nor ur husband fault.i guess there's something she heard from her mother that effect to her change attitude to you.just ignore her,but if one day she would change and come back to u, u got to accept her with warm welcome and forget the bad part of her.
2 people like this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Thank you for your insight. It is definitely very trying with step-children.
Oh yeah, we are definitely looking forward to the day she comes "back to us" so to speak. I know it will happen, and the waiting is going to be rough. But right now I just feel that he's driving the wedge deeper between them by not respecting her wishes. I also don't think he's doing her any favors by showing her that it's ok to treat people the way she has and that it doesn't have consequences. She is old enough to know right from wrong, so she should be old enough to realize that when you do something wrong to someone, good things usually do NOT come out of it. And I just can't support something that I think is causing more harm than good.
1 person likes this
@1grnthmb (2055)
• United States
20 Dec 06
I think she does not at this time wish for a relationship with here father. She has made every excuse possible to show this. I think you are doing what is right. She doesn't want the relationship so do not give her one. Do not buy her anything because she will not appreciate them anyway. But let your husband continue to support her by going to her activities such as the choir. Maybe some day she well realize that her father and you are not all that bad.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
20 Dec 06
I do hope you are right. She can be such a great person - I really miss those first few months we had together. She'll be back one day and we can rebuild our relationship when she's ready. It's just very frustrating in the here and now...
Thanks for your comments!
@beautyoperater (1890)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Well atleast I know I'm not the only one that has a problem with step children. I have a stepson that is a real a**. When we got married 18 years ago he was only 4 years old. Things were great. Well his mother remarried a rich guy and they moved away. About six hours away. Well his mother wanted his named changed to his step fathers last name.
I told my husband not to but she said he wouldn't have to pay child support anymore and could still see him whenever he wanted.
That didn't last. We never got to see him because he was involved with baseball and always seem to have something going on.
Well when he hit 17 he kept running away from her and we had to go get him and bring him here. Anyway he threatened to kill himself if he didn't get to go back. We sent him back after about 3 months. I was the mean one because I made him go to school when he was supposedly sick all the time.
I told his dad I wasn't going to put up with it. Well he went back and then it started, She wanted all the back child support because she divorced the rich guy. We said no way. He turned 18 and wouldn't quit calling for money. Eventually he completely stopped calling. We haven't seen him for over 3 years almost 4. Not even a phone call. I know it hurts my husband but there is nothing I can do. Our daughter is trying to get in touch with her half brother but as long as she's not his full sister he won't have nothing to do with her. It's sad.
I don't blame you for the way you feel. Life is to short to give into a teenager. If your husband wants to go. He should go. She is his daughter even though she's the biggest brat in the world right now. someday she will realize that you're not going anywhere and will respect her fathers decision. In the mean time just let her be.
If she doesn't realize what she's doing is hurting her father than she's in for a really big shock when someday he won't be there for her anymore. Then she will regret the day she ever did all that stuff to him and you. Hope all works out for you all. Never give in to her. Your happy don't let her ruin it for you.
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
19 Dec 06
I truly do understand why the father wants to go to her thing and watch her sing. Whatever she does to him or you she will always be her daughter and he will always love her, and she him, even though she has a big problem showing it right now.
In the end she can NEVER say that her daddy didn´t care or that he didn´t try. He has shown that he is the parent and that he is the mature one and he will probably gain from this in future, when she grows up and makes her own decisions without beeing affected by her mothers opinions.
I do belibe that this might be a way of her testing the love, she might feel betrayed and she might feel like her dad should have had another go ith her mom (all kids want that) but in the end she will realise - all she needs to do is to grow up!
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
19 Dec 06
I do wish you all the best and that it works out for you. I am sure that she sooner or later will come around, coz no matter what she must love her dad. i just hope that u have the strength to wait for it to happen..
I understand that it must feel horrible for u to watch him get hurt over and over again but all u can do is be there for him and show him your support - no matter what =)
Good luck!
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
20 Dec 06
Hey, thanks! I'll take all the luck I can right about now. I have tons of patience, I konw that's what it's going to take. Time for her to heal - without pressure. It's very hard to just sit back and wait though and that's the root of my frustration. It's great to have a medium such as this to help me vent and find other views.
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Hey, thanks for the comments. He desparately wants to be a part of her life, and he'll take any chance he can get to see her. But it's horrible on my end to watch the dissappointment and defeat on his face when she blatantly snubs him because of his efforts. It's just very hard to watch that go on. We know (hope) she will come around eventually and we have a long road ahead of us when that does happen. I just think that right now he is making things worse not better.
Thanks for you comments!!!!
@Silverchic (396)
• Australia
19 Dec 06
I think you are doing exactly the right thing! Your step-daughter has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with you so therefore she OBVIOUSLY doesn't want any presents from you. She is old enough to understand exactly what she is doing and how much it is hurting you and your husband so she shouldn't expect you two to continue being nice to her and buying her gifts - that's just not on!
Unreasonable?? No way! Keep your chin up - things may improve in the future, she is mature enough to understand yes, but she is also young enough to still be extremely emotional and volatile so you never know...in a couple of years she may be a completely different (hopefully nicer!) person.
2 people like this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Thanks, I keep telling my husband that too, but he thinks he's letting her down. Well, she let US down.
Oh, and I'm pretty sure she does expect us to be there tomorrow and to send her presents - mostly so she can continue to snub us.
I do hope she "grows up" soon - I also wish her mother would "allow" her to also.
Time will tell... Thanks for the reply!
2 people like this
@abakers (72)
• United States
20 Dec 06
I am a stepchild if 25 years and haven't had a good experience with it from either side. I understand your deliema only to have to disagree with you. I know from experience how hard it is to not only be the "evil stepmother" but to also be the "evil stepchild". Before I continue, I don't want you to think that I think bad of you for the way you feel. Although the child is 17, if she has lived with her mother the majority of the time them she is probably being fed with all kinds of nonsense from her mom about you and her dad. She is being loyal to her mom by dismissing you and her father, because that is what her mom wants her to do and it gets her mothers approval. I was in that same perdicament. As long as I hated my dad and stepmom my mom loved me but the minute i showed any feelings for them she would get very upset with me. When you have a manipulative mother, she can turn you against anyone and make it ok. Deep down she may want to be with her father but is unable to tell her mother. To make a long story short, she is still a child and under the influence of someone who is not looking out for her best interest. Once she is out of her mothers influence her attitude may change. Her dad needs to continue to support her and be there for her so he doesn't regret it later. But I understand that you should probably set back and let them work it out first. She will come to realize (or may already know) that you only want what is best for her. But before she can acknowledge that she has to confront her mother.
I am talking from experience. I disowned, talked about, and hated my father until I was 18 too make and to get along with my mother. Because if I even acted like I wanted a relationship with him she would get terribly mad. So in order to keep a relationship with her I didn't have one with my dad. Now that I am 30, I don't have much of a relationship with my dad because he quit trying. A child shouldn't have to choose between her mom and dad. I don't mean to preach. Just think about it and consider it because both your husband and his daughters future relationship is not something to let go easily.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
20 Dec 06
Wow, that is my feelings almost word for word. Both children have told their father that it is much easier on them at home if he just does what their mother says and leaves it alone. We know she puts them in the middle all the time - they have told us so. That's another reason I feel that he needs to stay out of it all FOR THE TIME BEING. The more he puts himself in the front line, the more the kids resent it - probably because they get flack from their mother about it. I think that by giving them the space they need it will allevieate some of the stress and they will be able to realize what is really going on here. It's awfully hard when a child is forced to choose between their parents. I think it would be a good idea to take that choice away from them FOR A WHILE. Yeah, it's going to be dissappointing when they don't see the support they take for granted, but I think they're old enough to feel some adult emotions when they make adult desicions. I could be wrong, my situation with my step-mother was totally different so I have no comparison. We think that she will turn back to us when she is ready - and we'll be here for her.
Thanks for sharing your experience with me. I do hope you and your father are able to reconcile one day.
@vipul20044 (5793)
• India
19 Dec 06
Hey your step daughter shows that she isnt at all concerned but atleast gift her so that she can feel that you do have a sense of responsibility But then if she aint too comfortable chuck that dont gift her
With maturity comes responsibility maybe she will be cooperative in the near future
I hope she better!
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
20 Dec 06
I don't think it's going to be NEAR future, but I'm sure she'll come around eventually. And when she does, we'll be waiting for her.
Thanks for your time and comment!
@sbeauty (5865)
• United States
19 Dec 06
I've been the stepparent of 4 for over 30 years, and there's never an easy answer. Your husband is going to feel like the girl's father no matter how she treats him. You need to let him do what he feels he needs to do. You don't want to put yourself in a position that will come back to haunt you later -- to where "If only you would have let me go to the Christmas program, things might have been different."
I'm not sure the daughter really wants her dad out of her life. I don't know what all her mother has filled her full of, but she may see things differently as she gets older. My stepdaughter tells me about the things her mother told them about me and her dad when they were young. None of it was true, but some parents think more about themselves than their children and try to use the children against their ex. That's so bad.
She's at a really scared, unsure age where she wants to be considered adult, but isn't really. Don't be too hard on her at this point. I would suggest you both attend her program but make no issue of trying to talk to her or see her anywhere other than as part of the audience.
Like I said, there are no easy answers, and having married a man with children you're in for a lot of frustrating years and for doing things you really don't want to do. And just when you think the kids are growing up, along come the step-grandchildren that you never see until birthdays and Christmas roll around.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
20 Dec 06
I'm pretty sure she doesn't really want her father out of her life either. But I also believe that she needs to be aware of what can happen. You know the old saying "Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it." I think she's plenty old enough for a lesson like this.
My husbands counselor has suggested that he step out for a while, send her a card every few months to let her know we're still here and all that, but to not take an active role in her life at this time. He doesn't want to do that. He thinks that if he keeps on the front line and visible she will change her attitude about it all that... In the movie "28 Days" (I think that's what it was called) with Sandra Bullock, in one scene one of the counselors says something like the definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over agian expecting different results. That kinda make sense to me and I think it's about time he try something different, see what happens...
It is rough, and I have probably appologized to my step-mother a million times in the last 2.5 years. She's a hoot though and said if I had done half the things these kids have done to me I probably would not be standing right now. Eh, but she's a bit biased because we're pretty close - much closer than I am to my mom.
Hopefully it'll work out a little bit before graduation comes around - in June. I'd hate for him to miss something like that! I'm afraid if he keeps trying to show her how much he cares and she keeps snubbing him like this he'll be too upset with her and will use that time as the time to now show up for something - then I'll have to drag him there because that is something he can't miss.
Why aren't children born with an instruction manual???
@chiquita1977 (1706)
• United States
19 Dec 06
well he is still the kids fathers so if he wants to go let him go they are his children.it sounds like this stuff did not happen until you got married to him.they are probly doing these things because they are angry at him for getting remarried and not being with their mother.alot of kids do these kind of things.they should not treat the dad like crap though he should talk to them and put a stop to it.if you do not want to go then dont go but he should go because he is the father regardless of the situation.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
20 Dec 06
I just feel that by constantly intruding on her life he is making the situation worse. He shows up, she gets more mad and pushes us even further away. He keeps doing more harm than good. I think he needs to let her see what it's like to not have him show up (as she has repeatedly requested) and let her decide if that's really what she wants. Until she gets what she wants she really wont know if she truely wants it or not. (OK, that probably made now sense...)
Time will tell, and either decision we make will not be able to be undone. The old double-edged sword "You're darned if you do and you're darned if you don't."
Thanks for your comments!!!
@nobodyspecial (1011)
• United States
19 Dec 06
He is still her father...and he is doing what he needs to demonstrate that. Actually you are part of her father's life and should claim your place while allowing her to have hers.
I can see a lot of manipulation has been going on on the part of the exwife...playing on fears the kids, fears that all kids have in such situations, no matter what their age.
The term 'taking the high road' applies here...I know it is hard, but by doing so you both will be demonstrating a solidarity and a willingness to let her and the boy retain their places in their father's life.
We all can be manipulative from time to time...never assume that the other party isn't doing so also.
Sooner or later those kids will have to accept the relationship and develop their own opinions without coloration from another.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
20 Dec 06
Unfortunately both kids have told us they want nothing to do with their father. They don't want to retain a place in their father's life. That's where most of the frustration stems from. We can't force them to - even though the judge said we can, legally, but we all pretty much agree that it would NOT be a good idea to show up on their doorstep enforcing our visition rights with the police to escort the kid to our house. I feel it's best to "take the high road" and respect their wishes even if they are blatantly against what we wish for.
It's hard... Who knows what's right or wrong??? There's no owner's manual... Time and patience will tell. When they are mature enough we hope to be able to work through all this with them.
Thanks for your comments!
@tanaclark (570)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Oh you are more woman than me. I would have went over there and told that girl when she can stop acting like the world revolves around her then she can call and apolagize and then start coming over. As for your husband they are his kids so he needs to put his foot down and show his daughter who the adult is. I think you are doing the right thing. Dont let them take advantage of you just because you are the step mom.
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
20 Dec 06
Thanks, it looks like you can really understand my frustration. Of course you know that we really can't do that kinda stuff, but it would be nice if we could sometimes!
My in-laws are really astounded that I have even tried with her this long. My friends really don't understand why even now, when I see something she might like, I start to buy it for her. But then I remember that it wont be appreciated and she will feel it's an intrusion so I put it back on the shelf. I'm just going to wait it out and be here for her when she's ready. Down the road, when she matures a bit, it'll happen. And in the meantime I will have to deal with my own frustrations.
@WhatsHerName (2716)
• United States
19 Dec 06
I think that the kids are kids and confused and hurt by the divorce. They are obviously being manipulated by their mother and feel torn.
You and your husband can not forget that you are the adults no matter how "adult" she says she is. I say go to the concert and shower them with gifts and love even if they don't come get it. He can call and leave messages saying "I love you" and nothing else.
I don't think you should feel obligated to go to the program though. It won't hurt him to go by himself. But I think it will make you look better if you go and be nice as pie. Maybe you can put aside your differences then. Hopefully the situation will get better as the children age and mature.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
20 Dec 06
Wow, he would LOVE to be able to call her and leave a message telling her that he loves her. BUT, he is forbidden to call her cell phone and they actually changed the number and will not give it to him. And when he leaves messages on the home phone the kids always tell him they didn't get the message. So we know that wont work. He isn't allowed to e-mail her either, they refuse to give him her new e-mail address. The couple cards he has sent have gone unrecognized so we are not even sure if she has gotten them or if she is just ignoring him. They'll still get sent every once in a while though. We're hoping she doesn't see that as too much of an intrusion in her life.
Thanks for the suggestions!
