Forgetting what my only child did to me when I was ill
@whiteheather39 (24403)
United States
December 24, 2006 8:43am CST
When I had an accident a year ago in October I was given 3 hours to live, well obviously I didn't die but I was told I would never walk again. After 4 months of intense physical therapy I was walking (I was considered a miracle) and back home living by myself and taking care of the one dog I had left.
When I came home to my shock my daughter had charged thousands to my credit card, taken money from my savings account, shot my credit rating to hell by not paying my bills, had two of my little dogs put to sleep 5 days after I was admitted to the hospital. All in all she "appropriated" over $26,000.00 her excuse was well I thought you were going to die and I deserve for putting up with your b.s. It goes on and on.
My problem is I think I have forgiven her but I cannot forget it. Believe me I have tried.. but the feeling of betrayal just keeps eating into me.
Any good advice?
1 person likes this
24 responses
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
25 Dec 06
Forgiveness should only come with restitution. This is eating away at you because you have not taken the action necessary to restore yourself, as much as you can.
Basically, your daughter stole your credit cards. It doesn't matter what prompted it or how she feels about you personally. The creditors had no agreements with her, they were with you.
You need to press charges to protect yourself from the repercussions and to be sure that your creditors understand that you cannot be held responsible for the debt. Do not acknowlege any of the debt by paying on it. They will then be justified in keeping it on your credit rating.
I am sorry about your pets. NOthing will bring solace to you over their loss. I certainly hope you are taking ALL the steps you possibly can to restore yourself.
1 person likes this
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
25 Dec 06
I did write you quite a lengthy comment and just as I was about to submit it it disappeared. In short your advice was excellent. I thank you very much and wish you and yours a Very Happy Holiday Season.
1 person likes this
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
25 Dec 06
Thank you. I payed 17K on the credit card (took half my 401 K plan). Finally in August when another debt arose to protect my credit I did take action but did not follow through as she would have had to do fail time and then as she has not bothered to become an American citizen would have been deported. I could not do this to her family. My credit is OK again but it took me 7 months to get it straightened out I think what really made me mad was she never offered to pay me a penny back. Oh well C'est la Vie. By the way my great aunt practied white witchcraft on a little island in Scotland.
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@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
25 Dec 06
The above comment suddenly reappeared.
1 person likes this
@Jshean20 (14348)
• Canada
25 Dec 06
Well you're an amazing person if you can forgive someone after doing those things to you. How old was your kid when this happened? Do you think that she has grown up? What kind of "b.s" was she referring to anyways? I don't think that these are the kinds of things that we can forget, atleast I know that I couldn't.
1 person likes this
@Ravenladyj (22902)
• United States
25 Dec 06
SHE'S 40 AND PULLED THIS ON YOU????!!!! are you serious?? OMG hell no! here I am thinking she's in her early 20s or something (not that that would excuse her behaviour mind you) and she's 40 YR OLD?? Now I'm REALLY floored adn I'm sorry to say I'm even more disgusted...
take care of you always and yes I agree that you need to protect yourself and put her in her damn place!!
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
25 Dec 06
I'd have thought that at her age she would have had more sense.
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
25 Dec 06
She is 40 yrs old. I don't know what b.s. she is referring to I did my very best to give safe and good. Life I think I spoiled her. I do believe I overcompensated trying to be mother and father as I divorced here father when she was 3yrs old.
Thanks, Merry Christmas.
@money_maker01 (1097)
• Malaysia
25 Dec 06
truely sorry i am for hearing that from you. it's totally worst. it's sort of unforgiven.but try to be for open heart to really forgive her. it's very hard but you must try for it. hopefully she will realise how horrible it is and try to be changed. as a mother pray for your kid for he goodness.
@Ravenladyj (22902)
• United States
25 Dec 06
OMG I am FLOORED!! I'm so sorry you went through all of that I mean the accident itself is hard enough to deal with but to come home to that wow...I am damn near speechless! First off I would TAKE HER TO COURT! get your credit rating cleared and have her pay whatever she charged etc etc...I realize she is your daughter but you cant leave this alone..that was cold and calcualated IMO and I'm sorry but she needs to take responsilbity for her actions...
Wow I wish I had better advice for you but I am still trying to wrap my head around this..As far as forgetting goes....I'm sorry but the reality is that you'll most likely never forget it...that really IS the ultimate betrayal and a really tough pill to swallow (realizing your own child is like that in regards to you/your wellbeing etc)..All i can suggest is that you dont TRY to forget but dont let it weigh you down either...dont let it consume you...take the necessary steps to try and fix the damage (financially) that she has done etc and consider taking her to court (I'd also change up my will too if she is the main beneficiary but thats just me) and try to move forward from this...
all the best to you..
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
25 Dec 06
I have done all that I am prepared to do,(legally) some of the consequences were just too harsh. As I love my son-in-law (who has been a godsend to me). Thanks for your excellent advice. Funnily enough it is not consuming me but, has for some reason, made me stronger and wiser
@classy56 (2880)
• United States
25 Dec 06
well sence your duaghter went out on a spending spread,tell her she is cut out of your will.she done got her money.you could sue her an get your money back,or just forgive her like you have.me i would kick some a$$
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
25 Dec 06
Heh heh heh (evil laugh) I did that if their is anything lef it all goes to a local animal welfare organization where I adopted my new dogs from
@feliciamimmi22 (101)
• Ireland
25 Dec 06
I am so sorry that happened to you! I can understand your feelings of being hurt and betrayed by someone so close to you! Its hard to say why she did what she did, she might be feeling really quilty but unable to tell you because she feels so ashamed, and cover it up by her attitude.
@timou87 (1638)
• Singapore
25 Dec 06
You are both related by flesh and blood. Its an amazing thing what you have done, forgiving her for all her evil deeds. If I were you I would have probably disowned her, and her actions border on criminal. If she does not treat you like her kin, why should you do the same.
@deebomb (15304)
• United States
25 Dec 06
you have over come a great adversity in your recovery. I admire you for that. forgivness is one thing forgetting is intirlely different. Just take it one step at a time and gradually your will be able to stop think of it so much. You probably will never forget. these things just hurt lass as time goes by. keep praying that you can continue to forgiver her. and God bless you.
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
25 Dec 06
Thank you I am taking it all one step at a time. They say time heals all pain.
@tlex107250 (667)
• United States
25 Dec 06
I'm glad to here that you are better now, and it's unfortunate that your daughter had done this to you. I would find it hard to forgive someone who had done this to me, but I'm glad that you found it in your heart to forgive your daughter. Forgiving is easy, forgetting is tougher. Were you able to contact the companies regarding the fraudulant charges, and have them do something about it? And did you contact the police regarding this, or at least a lawyer? You shouldn't be responsible if you can prove that you didn't make those purchases. I hope that you can get this straightened out, and I hope that your daughter might learn a valuable lesson from this disseption.
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
25 Dec 06
Yes I did but the consequences were, to my thinking, too high.
@muralikumar2005 (622)
• India
25 Dec 06
that is horrible. If i ever had such a daughter i would have kicked her out of the house. I can't believe she would actually say something like "put up with your b.s" That is very uncaring and rude
@DavidReedy (2378)
• United States
25 Dec 06
It will take time for this to heal. I'm sorry there's really no better answer, but if you had it, I'd ask you to share it with me. All I can say is when you finally can forgive her fully, it will heal you as well.
Wow, I don't know even know how to comment on your relationship with your daughter.
I guess one thing to do, with as little emotion as possible, try to think logically about why she did what she did, what thoughts and feelings were running through her head. It might help you make sense of things.
@GardenGerty (160488)
• United States
25 Dec 06
You are wise to forgive, and each day you will forgive a little more. However, just because you have forgiven does not mean you have to forget. You must remember, in order to protect yourself in the future. You need a durable power of attorney, or some places call it an attorney in fact, actually you need perhaps two. One to take care of your finances if you become incapacitated, like you did after the accident. The other one would speak for you medically. Both would protect you from people who would take advantage of you being debilitated like you just were. I am so sorry about the dogs. You seem to have emotionally turned loose of the monetary debt she owes you. I think the other advice you have received was very good on forgiveness.
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
25 Dec 06
I have learned the hard way and have taken care of everything for the future,I am amazed and grateful for all the wonderful responses,
@risk_taker20 (2096)
• Philippines
25 Dec 06
I am very sorry to hear your story but I admire you forgiving a daughter who did the worst she can do to a weak mom at the hospital. You are a true loving mom. I suggest you continue to pray for her for enlightenment, wisdom and forgiveness for herself. You only did the right thing but she can never escape the consequences of her wrong doings so please pray for her no matter what. Only a patient and persevere love of the mother can do this.
God bless you more!
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
25 Dec 06
I pray with thanks to the Lord for giving me s 2nd chance at life, which I am now enjoying to the fullest. I did "Let go and let God" and He is coming down harder on her that I ever would have, I almost feel sorry for her.
Thanks for your advice.
@Ravenladyj (22902)
• United States
25 Dec 06
I'm the same way....Unless you SHOW ME (sayin it means nothing cause talk really can be cheap) that you are truly and genuinely sorry for whatever it is you have done (major things I mean) then forget it..I cant forgive someone who just flat out doesnt care..
@cheenlly (3476)
• Philippines
25 Dec 06
what is done is done. I know what she done is not right, absolutely not right. I think she realize that now or not in the future she will. To be able to release those unhealthy feeling of yours you must forgive her not because you tolerate it but because for yourself to move on. She has already in the right mind and someday if not now she will realize what she's done is not right. Just pray for her to change her bad attitude.
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
25 Dec 06
I think she does know although she will not admit it. Thank You
@uvbnskoold (499)
• Canada
25 Dec 06
Wow, I'm glad you survived the accident and beat the odds. I can't believe your daughter did that to you, let alone actually tell you WHY she did it... that takes a huge set of [metaphorical] cahones!
Something like that I could forgive, after a while. But forget? Heck no! I would be writing her out of my will and ensuring that she was prosecuted for what she did... daughter or not.
I couldn't forgive the whole dogs thing. That's just cruel and wrong... and well I can't say anything else polite about that ;)
Stay strong and do your best! Merry Christmas!
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
25 Dec 06
She is out of my will that was the first thing I did. Have a Very Happy Holiday Season
@kjhasselstrom (304)
• United States
25 Dec 06
I know everyone has heard the "forgive and forget" saying, but honestly you can't do both. ME, I have a difficult time letting go when I have been wronged so I am proud that you have forgiven your daughter.
I understand exactly where you are coming from as I was in a life altering accident right before Christmas three years ago. It ended a marriage of 11 years and left me scarred physically and mentally.
My advice is follow your heart. Do you truly feel like you have forgiven her? It seems that it may still bother you by the tone of your writing so you may want to truly ask yourself if you CAN forgive her. You will never forget what she has done and the pain that it has caused you unfortunately will not be forgotten either.
Every person has their limit of what they can and can't accept. Some can tolerate more damage while a person like me cannot let go.
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
25 Dec 06
I have faced up to the fact that letting go and let God was the best thing I could do for myself. Forget!, you are correct I can never forget.