Are you scared to fight?
By imadriscoll
@imadriscoll (2228)
United States
December 26, 2006 6:36pm CST
Many of my friends are in a rush to get married and start thinking in this direction while in the first months of their relationship. I think that part of the reason that so many people are getting divorced is because many people jump into relationships way too fast.
On top of this we have never really been taught to fight (argue, disagree, debate)in a manner that is productive instead of combative.
Every relationship has its problems and everyone in a relationship will get into arguements here and there. The key though is how you handle the argument and how you treat the other person in the argument. It's also of great value to know how the other person "fights". Do they avoid arguments, do they yell and scream, do they get violent, do they name call ... and on and on. How do you react to the way that they fight?
I remember in pre-marital counseling that we spent a lot of time on conflict resolution and it has been so valuable to us as a married couple. We learned that we are a team, that we are both on the same side and that disagreements should be treated as problem solving and not an opportunity to hurt the other person.
My advice to those of you thinking of rushing into marriage ... wait until you have a fight and then decide if this is someone you are willing to "fight" with for the rest of your life.
6 people like this
45 responses
@drumm1n (499)
• India
27 Dec 06
yeah evry relationship has its ups and downs! without any fighting a relationtion would never feel real!i think fighting and voicing your opinions in a realtionship is also important!there is a difference and when i say fight i mean a healthy fight and not the kind that might end the realtionship! any relationship requires to be nutured in order to grow!
1 person likes this
@imadriscoll (2228)
• United States
27 Dec 06
Yes, I hope that everyone who reads this posts knows that I mean a healthy fight and not a violent fight. I mean the type of fights that in the end you're actually grateful for the outcome because you're both better because of it!
@bimmer999 (1158)
• Philippines
27 Dec 06
me and my wife had fights before, and usually it would last for a few days without talking to each other. but we try to talk about it and have open communication. thats the key for you to understand each other's differences. because there are many things which you are different from her.
fights are normal, if you and your wife do not fight or argue then there is something wrong with your marriage.
i would even say that fighting can be healthy to as to release your anger towards your partner from time to time. just do not fight as in physically hurt each other, that would be another problem altogether.
1 person likes this
@imadriscoll (2228)
• United States
27 Dec 06
I know that I would rather argue with my husband then to grow bitter and vice versa.
@limcyjain (3516)
• India
27 Dec 06
to some extent i agree with you that we do not know how to manage a fight. I would say that we live in a false world pre marriage. We try to please our would to be partner beyond our limits over extending our limts which do not materialize after marriage and lead to a sour relationship.
1 person likes this
@kawillow74 (1416)
• United States
27 Dec 06
When we first got married yes we did fight we really don't fight anymore we might shout here and there but it is over faster then what it got started. And you advice is great people should marriage is not fun and games.
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
27 Dec 06
I think the word "fight" is inappropriate. I would say argue is a better way to explain what happens between people in a marriage. I think there's a healthy level of argument.
1 person likes this
@imadriscoll (2228)
• United States
27 Dec 06
Ok, after looking the words up I see that there is a difference. So are you afraid to argue with your spouse?
@medooley (1873)
• United States
27 Dec 06
I do not know how to fight and I try to aviod it all cost. And at times that just makes my wife even more mad. I never saw my parents fighting as a child, and I mean never. So when I got married I really didn't know that streess a marriage can cause. I would not fight with my wife, I would basically just go into a shell and not say anything while she would argue with me. I would end up just saying the things that she wanted to hear in order to get the fight over. But she soon caught on to that and she has taught me the ways of fighting. I do believe that most of our fights are civilized, no name calling, very little yelling, and absolutely no violence.
I would add a bit to your advice... make sure that this first fight that you have with that special some one is actually a fight, and not a discussion. These two forms of communication can be easily confused... expecially by us guys.
1 person likes this
@imadriscoll (2228)
• United States
27 Dec 06
I wonder what that's like to never see your parents fight? My sister and I saw our parents fight every time my dad would pull out the checkbook to balance it. I think that I had to learn a new form of fighting when I got married. My husband is a fight avoider too. We've both had to learn to fight with each other - and it's not how my parents fought.
I think that you're last point is very valid too - discussing and fighting is not necessarily the same thing! I think that knowing how your future spouse responds in numerous situations is also important (under stress, frustrated, how they spend money etc.) to see how each of you react! Of course you can't predict every situation, but you can get a lot of information on rainy days!
@maryannemax (12156)
• Sweden
27 Dec 06
i am 28 years old. and i had 3 marriage proposals before. but since i wasn't prepared to settle down and start a family of my own, i turned down the proposals. i want to be emotionally, financially, physically prepared before entering a married life. it's not a joke to have a family of your own. it's gonna be hard work. and i am glad that i did not rush things out just because i am inlove. they later became cheaters and dumped me for another women. and now, i am in this relationship for 8 months with my boyfriend who is from sweden. and we are talking about marriage. but we decided to get to know each other more and get married after two years. it's gonna be better for us. we want to be stable first so in the future, we can raise our kids well.
1 person likes this
@pendragon (3349)
• United States
27 Dec 06
Since I am finally in a relationship that I care about, I have learned to argue much more sensibly, to get point out there without too much harm or any at all, if I can help it.People argue because they care,you have to remember that as the basis of the fight.I can't stand it when a normally loving couple are reduced to heinous name calling because their communication skills aren't up to par.
1 person likes this
@dienutza (449)
• Romania
27 Dec 06
yes,it's true...you don't even know the person beside you who you say you love and you break to fast to marry with..i think that even if you stay a lot of time with that person you can't say you know him or she very well because you're wrong..and if you get married that fast without knowing some specificate things about that person then you will get to divorce becuase you were rushing things without knowing if you're compatible with that person or not..so..think before to act
@suchetan230044 (618)
• India
27 Dec 06
well it depends on the compatibility of the couple.i agree with you that before marrying someone we should spend atleast sometime knowing him and how he actually is.quarrels are bound to be there in any relation but that doesn't mean that both arenot compatible.but the matter lies in how the couple can handle the situation and make sure that they don't happen again.finding out solution is the key.understanding is what that really matters.so i suggest before marrying we must spend at least a year to know him fully.
1 person likes this
@brunors_mg (85)
• Brazil
27 Dec 06
Im policeman and i don't scared to fight.
But in internal relations with my wife in we do not fight, we are together for 10 years and we never fight, only some misunderstandings, but it is normal.
thanx.
1 person likes this
@isabella_czikra (31)
• Ireland
27 Dec 06
it hard to make a decision if to get marrined to a person or not. you can never say that you know a person good enough.i sad yes to my husband. until now everyting was fine. now that we have a baby and he started a university, he canged a lot. everytime when he comes home he says he is tired and he stays 2-3 hours on internet instead of helping me around the house. i tried to talk to him, but nothing changed.i hope will be better when my mother in law will come over.
1 person likes this
@try2bsincere (69)
• United States
27 Dec 06
Yes its true, many rush into marriage while others take their time and I think it should be balanced. Fighting is a part of marriage and does not always have to be physical, sometimes the verbal fighting leaves deeper scars. Either way both sould have the mind set that its not that serious we just are having a disagreement, its not like we are going to divorce one another so we may as well come to a common ground.Its actually funny when me and my husband gets physical, we don't throw blows but start wrestling and then we bust out laughing. You also have to know your spouses boundaries and its good to have some knowledge of those things a little before marriage so you kow who your dealing with. WOMEN when you see the red flags pre marriage, do not ignore them...same for men.
1 person likes this
@shijith (349)
• India
27 Dec 06
every relationship would encounter its own problems. that's the case with marriage too. so if u` going to marry someone, keep that in mind and set ur mind to face the expected probs thats gonna follow marriage. have a nice day.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
27 Dec 06
I think you are right. I try to be mature and try to put my thoughts across during a fight without putting down my spouse. But the moment he starts calling me names, I just blow up and can't control myself. I keep telling him not to be verbally abusive...you can tell me anything you want...but please stick to the issue without hurting me. But it's his way of winning an argument (I don't see it that way between a couple). How can you win against your spouse? What's the point of putting your spouse in a bad light? To me it's equivalent to being abusive to yourself. It really hurts me when that happens.
But again coming back to your topic...even when partners fight before marriage, they tend to do so nicely or else they get to walk away from the fight and cool down and make rational choices (sometimes). But after marriage, they can rarely do that especially after living together for a while. I think everybody thinking of getting married should go in for pre-marital counselling together. That would help a lot in making the relationship go a long way.
@vinaykant (812)
• India
27 Dec 06
no i never scared to fight.
its not only a general fights its includes evry part of life.
I neveraccept worng thing with me, i m always ready tofight forgetting my rights.
1 person likes this
@pufitza_mison (627)
• Romania
27 Dec 06
i thinck this is the truth.Before you get married i thinck it,s better to know the person with will you spend the whole life.You need a life to know a person and nether in this time you can't say that you know him...So it's better to wait more time to see what happens insted to marri with him, make a baby and then...will be much harder to renunce of him.It's verry tru that you must know how your partner behave on a fight of arguments.Some people are verry proud some of them are more quiet so i thinck it's better to see what's happen.
1 person likes this
@ilvrshn (463)
• United States
27 Dec 06
That is a very good response. You are absolutely right and something I am guilty of, but Id on't rush into marriage. I am still single seeking to married. I have been married before and we fought toe to toe, fist to fist. Although I am glad we are friends today. I said if I ever get married again...that is the route I was going to take (pre-marital counseling) because I don't want to go through another divorce again. I think it is very devastating and would wish it on anybody. In an argument, I try to stay open minded. I don't like drama. I shut down real quick.
1 person likes this
@rajendra1977 (57)
• India
27 Dec 06
actually we donot need to fight for any thing. iam still unmarried but i observed in many sucessfull families and observed that wife and husbands are really cooperating with each other. Many of my neigbhours and friends are not fight with therir wives. but i have seen some relations ships exactly opposite to this also. i feel when u manage things properly we donot need to fight.
@imadriscoll (2228)
• United States
27 Dec 06
I don't think that you can really know if your neighbors are fighting or not, just because they're not doing it in front of you doesn't mean that they're not fighting behind closed doors.
I think that in every relationship there will be misunderstandings which at times leads to arguing. I love my husband very much and I respect him very much and he loves and respects me ... but we still have our times when we argue. When we have taken time to consider the other person's point of view we are usually better for it.
