This might be the end of my marriage
By MrsAdvice
@MrsAdvice (623)
United States
December 27, 2006 11:04pm CST
I think the fighting has gone on too much and the making up or working things out does not because he won't talk about it. We just move on, pretend to be blissfully happy, but not forgetting the things that were said (I am careful not to say things that he will think about later and remember but he is not so careful with me, he says things I cannot forget, things I feel reflect how he really feels) consequently, things never really get worked out and the next time they blow up, they are even worse. Well, they blew up again and I only tried to have a simple conversation to make sure we were on the same page before his kid comes this weekend so we would not have another fight in front of his kid like we did last time he was here but the second I brought it up my husband got mad even though I tried to explain to him my intentions to avoid a fight, not start one. The whole thing is that he thinks his son should have no rules when he is at our house and he does not feel his son should have to eat what I serve if he doesn't like it. I tried that route with his son and as long as I was offering an alternative, he would weigh the choices and always choose the Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich even if he would normally eat what I fixed, simply because he PREFERRED the peanut butter and jelly sandwich which I do not want him eating because it turns to sugar in his system and because he will eat that instead of soup or stew or anything that has veggies in it, even though when he is not given the choice he eats the veggies just fine. I do not feel I should have to be like a waitress in a restaurant and take everyone's orders and fix something different for anyone. It is not okay with me for my husband to fix him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich either because I don't want him to eat stuff that turns to sugar anyway, it makes him hyper and then if I say anything about the hyperness my husband and I end up fighting. My husband will take his son out to eat and to the movies if he does not want to eat what I fix and he does not understand that he is rewarding him for bad behavior. I cannot get it through his head that this is the ultimate DO NOT DO and any parent can tell him that. He is not any parent and he has a lot of guilt to make up for, for not being there for him everyday and for ignoring him most of the time he is here too, so when he decides it is make up time, that kid can run the whole show and have anything he wants, and there is no consistency because one minute he can have what he wants and the next minute he is getting hit with the belt for minor offenses, and one minute he has to eat what is served and the next he doesn't. (I think it has to do with if hubby likes it or not) Anyhow, I am just sick of fighting for days before his son comes and for days after he is gone and then pretending everything is okay between fights when it is all I can think about. In the back of my mind, I am recalling the horrible things he said to me just a few days ago and I know that if any man felt that way about me I would kick him out immmediately and here I am kissing him and telling him how much I love him because if I try to talk about it to him it will be another fight and it will last for days and I will be the only one who is miserable. He took off to his dad's to spend the night and I am here alone and miserable, not knowing if our marriage will work or not but there is more to it, he is planning to use the little money he gives me to buy groceries for our household for two weeks, to take his son out this weekend to eat every meal out and I won't have money to pay my bills or get groceries if he does that because as it was, I was only gonna have twenty bucks left to get gas and groceries for two weeks by the time I paid the bills and bought my thyroid pills (which is a rare thing, only once every 100 days) but now he says he can't give me that much as he has to take his son out to eat all weekend and I don't think a kid should be rewarded for being spoiled and Ron is reinforcing his being spoiled. I am so upset, I put a six mile long blog on it on my myspace. If I could cut and paste, I could've just put it here and not had to explain it all again. I hate this new rule. Anyhow, I am so upset and afraid that my marriage might be over and I am so mad that he would let me feel this way. Any man that would let me feel this way could not love me. How can he say he loves me so much and then do me like this?
7 people like this
45 responses
@MzLefty (311)
• United States
28 Dec 06
This is no way to live,something has to give,the child needs to be treated as a child,he should not be allowed to run your household,and your husband is letting him do just that,maybe he needs a little wake up call,maybe he needs to come home and not find you there,that will give him something to think about,he will know that you are serious,let him tell you if and what he pans to do to make things better.if he values his marriage, he will do the right thing.
@MrsAdvice (623)
• United States
28 Dec 06
I agree with your first part but the wake up call would not work on him, he would just play xbox or get online. If he thought I was gone for any length of time at all, he might just pack up and move out. He is very stuborn.
2 people like this
@lilaclady (28207)
• Australia
28 Dec 06
I know it is hard when you love someone and they don't treat you right, I don't know what to suggest, only that you only live once and you must be happy, I hope maybe his time away will make him realize what you mean to him and he will make an effort to respect you, and treasure you, unfortunately many people don't wake up til it is too late, like a friend of mine whose wife passed away recently, he is so full of guilt because suddenly he realizes what he should have done....oh my dear I hope things work out for you, just remember you are No.1 you come first and happiness doen't mean you must stay with someone instead of being alone...
@not4me (1711)
• United States
28 Dec 06
This is a tough one. A kid needs to have boundaries set and you are in the tough position where you really don't have any say and don't really need to have a say as it is your husband's son.
It won't kill the kid to have a PBJ once in a while. I have two girls, 4 and 6 and the 4 year old loves PBJ but I have to pace her to a couple times a week. I too worry about the sugar but I buy reduced fat peanut butter and there is sugar-free and reduced-sugar jelly on the market so maybe you can compromise there.
In my opinion, you and your husband are fighting over petty things. As for the money, are you in a position where you can get a job to help support yourself? You need to be strong and let him know you don't have to rely on him for your liveliness. Maybe then his attitude will change. But all of this stress can give you (especially females) a heart attack at an early age so ultimately you need to do whatever it takes to make you feel balanced and happy. Just try not to nag about petty things and leave the arguing for illegitimate issues like money to survive on.
Maybe leave and not be home when he gets home! Then see if he starts worrying about you. A little manipulation for the greater good is always a good thing.
3 people like this
@MrsAdvice (623)
• United States
28 Dec 06
You are not understanding the full situation. Sometimes I have as little as $20 to get gas in my car and buy groceries to last us for TWO weeks and that includes toilet paper and laundry soap. I cannot afford to buy special peanut butter and special jelly and the bread would mold between his visits. I used to buy whole wheat but hubby doesn't like it so now I have to buy white as I can't afford to buy both. What hubby likes, his son does not, and vice versa and neither one of them will eat most anything with veggies and I am trying to cook healthier and am very obese so this is a real issue. When I know his son is coming I know there will be a huge fight and I start stressing days in advance. This issue is huge to me, and apparently to him, as it looks like he is going to let it cost us our marriage. When I am struggling with so little money to put food in this house, and my daughter and I are living on donated food, as my husband eats out a lot, how is it fair that he wants to take his son out to eat and make us eat at home? If he can afford to take him out to eat he could give me that money and I could provide food for our household. His son should not be treated like he is better than his own wife or my daughter. I do want to feel balanced and happy, but this whole food war is all about money and survival. His son needs to eat what I put in front of him because we cannot afford to be spoiled rotten and if my husband does not interfere the kid would eat it and most likely discover that he likes it, as that is what happens when hubby is not home and I make him eat what I serve. I just want to be able to talk about stuff and work it out without fighting but he is so immature to think he should reward a kid for being spoiled.
2 people like this
@chiquita1977 (1706)
• United States
28 Dec 06
well it seems to me like this a no win situation.I agree that a child should have rules and should not be rewarded for bad behavior.your husband should not be doing these things the kid is not going to learn anything from it.and the kid should not be going out to eat all weekend when there are bills to be paid.he needs to start disciplining his kid and make him follow some rules.i understand its your husbands kid but you do not run a restaurant he should have to eat what is served.and sugar is not good for any kid.your husband should not treat you like this.they say when you are mad that is when your true feelings come out.I would not put up with your husbands behavior and being treated like this.he needs to learn how to be a dad and discipline his child.he should not try and make up for not being with him everyday because his kid is going to end up walking all over him then it will be to late.I would not keep on pretending that nothing has happened and it is not good to fight in front of a child.your husband needs to straighten himself up and needs to discipline the kid and not give him everything he wants.
3 people like this
@MrsAdvice (623)
• United States
28 Dec 06
I gave you best response because you are exactly right. I copied and pasted what you wrote to my husband's Instant Messenger for him to read. I hope he reads it. He spent the night away last night and I don't even know if he is coming home tonight or not. He gains financial control and tries to manipulate me into agreeing his son can have no rules and eat whatever he wants, including sugar. I usually say, "See ya, nice knowing ya." But I have been unemployed for over a year now and I am truly financially dependent on him and aside from that I love him and I don't want to lose him, but I would slit my wrists before I would stand by and watch his kid eat and do anything he wants in my house. It is my house too and I have to live with the kid too and if he cannot take my feelings into consideration then he does not truly care how I feel and if he doesn't care how I feel he doesn't love me so I guess I would still have to say, "see ya" if he gives me an ultimatum again. If that happens, I will no longer be online until I get a job, which could be a long time. At least I won't be living in a situation worse than hell.
1 person likes this
@classy56 (2880)
• United States
28 Dec 06
its going to take both of you to work this out.try going to family counsceling.he needs to quit babying his son,an try fixing something to eat everyone likes.talking calmly is the main thing.but dont take any abuse an you are takeing mental abuse.go to counsceling or get out of the situration
3 people like this
@MrsAdvice (623)
• United States
28 Dec 06
If I fix his son's favorites, my husband gets pissed and goes off in the bedroom to pout and play xbox and refuses to eat dinner. It is very stressful for me to try to find something everyone will eat and money is a major issue. My husband always has plenty of money to go out to eat and go to the hot tubs and stuff, but nobody can figure out how I am managing to put food on the table even one week on what I am using to put it on for two weeks and that is largely due to donations from a church and venison meat provided by my parents, which, if used in the preparation of anything, his son refuses to eat it and he can tell it is venison, he says it tastes funny. You are right that he is treating his son like a baby. When we met three years ago he looked and acted like he was four years old and everyone thought he was, he still talks baby talk. The thing that makes me mad is that his son minds me good and eats what I give him when his dad is not around unless his dad has already made an issue of something and said he does not feel his son should have to eat it. The dad is the problem, not the son, but yet, it is making me dread the son's visits because I know the kind of tension that will come. Last two times he came we got in huge fights in front of his son and after we took his son home we didn't speak for days. Now his son isn't even here yet and we are already fighting, just because I was trying to avoid the fight over the weekend by discussing what we can agree on and what we need to work out before he comes. He said if I talked any more he was leaving and I asked him if I could just say one thing and so he said he was leaving so I figured as long as he was going to leave anyway, I may as well say what I wanted to say, so I told him I was willing to compromise something out if he would just talk to me about it, that I just wanted to work it out so we did not fight in front of his son again, that if he doesn't like it, fine, as long as he eats one ladle full he can stop and choose not to have any more, but that he does not get something else or to go out to eat instead and he would not even agree to that much. This is a very small kid for 10, he looks six or seven, he is very thin, a ladle full would fill his stomach without stretching it, I feel this is fair that he at least eat enough, even if he does not like it. I was forced to eat anything that was served when I was a kid and I have had food shoved right down my throat, so I learned I may as well just eat it and if Ron would back me up, his son would resign himself to the fact that he may as well just eat it too. It would solve all our problems. It would not kill his son to eat whatever is served to him, but it would certainly kill me to stand by and watch him spoil and reward his son for pickiness. I would lose all respect for him, toss and turn all night in anger, and probably turn into a very mean and unlikeable person toward his son since I cannot stand spoiled rotten picky kids.
3 people like this
@enchantedemerald (454)
• United States
28 Dec 06
This sounds like a very stressful situation on everyone involved but especially for you. I definitely think some counseling would help but it sounds like the little boy is coming over very soon. In order to have some sort of peace in your household over the next couple of days you are going to have to concentrate on you and your needs. Let the rest of it go otherwise it sounds like you are going to be totally overwhelmed and you have your own health to consider.You might have to serve this little boy different food just to keep the peace. If your husband takes him out to eat I realize this will create a financial burden but it appears that the little boy is going to be spoiled regardless of what you say.It sounds like you want the best for your husband and his son but your husband appears to be very set in his ways. Try contacting a local food pantry in your area to try to get some groceries into the house. You are trying to deal with several issues at one time and I sincerely hope that this situation improves for your entire family.
3 people like this
@micki38120 (61)
• United States
28 Dec 06
This doesn't sound like a money or stepchild issue, this is a control issue. You have a husband that eats out all the time, goes to hot tubs, etc, yet you and your daughter are at home relying on donated food? Why? What kind of man is this that you can't bear to lose? As for the child, this is his son, his responsibility. If he wants to let the child eat nothing but sandwiches, fine, let him (not you)make them for him or take him out. You have to set limits on what you will and will not do, and not give in. Maybe these weekends would be a good time for you and your daughter to visit your parents. I know the details you have given are very limited, but is this really the relationship you want? Why are you accepting this treatment?
@milagre (1272)
• Portugal
28 Dec 06
My step-daughter comes to stay with us every vacations. She doenst eat anything i cook, and at the beginning i thought we should had force her to eat. however that was a point of arguings, and i thought , if she is not my daughter and if her father let her do whatever she wants, i just disconnect from everything and i dont care. And is exactly like this all the time she's with us. I let her do whatever she wants and after, her father can see for his own eyes he is wrong. Do you think is normal a kid dresses herself like snowhite and walk in the shopping center without shoes during christmas time? I dont think is normal, but has her father told us she could do whatever she wanted i took her to the shopping like that :). He knew about this episode.... (this was just one happening amoung others) and he started thinking i was more crazy then she was. Now, things are changing and its not just what she wants anymore. So, as it not your son, let it go, move along, dont care about it and dont waste your life, men are like that!
@MrsAdvice (623)
• United States
28 Dec 06
I wish I could be as easy going as you are, but I just cannot stand by and allow a kid to run my household. It drives me insane to see the inconsistancy, one minute being stict and the next, too relaxed, and no consistant rules. The boy has ADD/ADHD and needs consistancy and when he first started coming here three years ago he had nightmares and he doesn't have them anymore because he feels safer with firm boundaries and limits but if I just let his dad do things his way there will be no boundaries or limits, the nightmares will return and I won't be able to stand having his son here at all because watching what goes on eats at me and keeps me awake all night gnashing my teeth and terribly upset. A parent needs to be a parent, it is a parents job to prepare a child for the world and the world is not gonna let your child do whatever he/she wants to do, the world has rules. It is a very serious issue for me, I am not able to just let it be, I cannot do it. Things are very black or white for me and when I see bad parenting it outrages me to no living end.
@visitorinvasion (7709)
• United States
29 Dec 06
I hate to sound mean, but there's sometimes harshness in truth. The truth of the matter is that by you're tolerating this treatment, you are teaching your own child that wives are doormats. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that this is acceptable treatment?
This other lady up there is right. You need to take more concern in the welfare of your own child and treatment thereof and disconnect from his child.
1 person likes this
@Celanith (2327)
• United States
29 Dec 06
First of all this is probably why the kid's mom is not with the dad.
Secondly, there are shelters who will help you. There is also free legal advise and help in most states for low income. You need counseling, maybe file for divorce, get a restraining order if need. Report this situation to a juvenile officer about the dad, he is being abusive to you and the kid is too.
If he won't go to counseling he is running from his demons and want's you to be the fall guy or gal. He is irresponsible and selfish and teaching his son to be just like him and abusive. Report him to the courts he might end up having court ordered counseling and termination of his parental visits. The kid needs counseling to. Do you know where the kid goes to school? If so go to the school, identify yourself and talk to the principal and school counselor there and his mom if this is possible.
You don't have to allow this to continue. There are foodbanks and other sources to help you with bills if need too look in the phone book, go to your local DSHS office, call a woman's shelter for help and advise. Your have help but you have to ask for it. Go to a library for help or a doctor, tell someone your situation. You did it here you can do it in your community.
@maebien (114)
• Singapore
28 Dec 06
whew such a long one but anyway, don't you think your hubby needs space? I mean we women repeatedly say things and maybe he is already at the state of ignoring whatever you will say. sometimes man also wants time to be with themselves to think. sometimes they are quiet yet they do think about their family too. I think you should just try to experiment on things, like being quiet also...not nagging, not saying anything. go with his flow as they say. then see if things will work out.
@iDABIErock (92)
• Philippines
28 Dec 06
doing things like that is not being a waitress and other stuff. but i agree with her. try to experiment things. dont think about the end of your relationship. YOU MUST FIGHT for it maam. :)
2 people like this
@MrsAdvice (623)
• United States
28 Dec 06
To stand by and watch him do the opposite of what a good parent would do, it causes me such stress I cannot sleep at night. Besides, I am often left being the one caring for the child, so it is important to me that he learn to obey the rules I expect from a child for my comfort at having him around as well as for his own sense of security. When he first started coming around he used to have nightmares which is a sign of too much freedom and not enough boundaries. With my establishment of boundaries and rules, the nightmares have ceased and things got better and the kid is not complaining at all, it is the dad who is rebelling for his son's perceived unhappiness, but when I talk to his son, he is very happy and content with the rules here, although he says he can be more stubborn than me about food, I promise him that if his dad were not around to stick up for him, I would win that war hands down.
2 people like this
@mansha (6298)
• India
28 Dec 06
You know men a re lousy at loving. we are in middle of money crisis too because he sent all the money to his parents for some operation (its that they forgot to take the toatal amount of money to the hospital in another city while going to get one done and they are not poor in any way) and they are four brothers but he is the only one always handing out money to all the four families. Now my daughter was sick and we couldn't afford tro buy a stupid thermometer before 1st jan as he has no money to spare. I am so angry with him amd his folks to always cashing on his emotions. See I am also struggling like you only, just keep working on it someday he will realise. You know nest time the kid comes just go away to your folks plce making an excuse and let them handle that. For me I have stopped talking to everyone in his family and stopeed even asking him about anything, Ijust hand him my list and forget about it. If he brings things I cook or else I do not bother, just make some rice for me and my kids. I have jsut stopped nagfging, You also just keep feeding jellyu and peanut butter to the kid and klet his own mom speak to the father herself. They are the parents and they should know better, tha to spoil their kid like that.
3 people like this
@Crystallanelle24 (90)
• United States
29 Dec 06
I was married for a year to a man that I thought loved me. A man whom I thought was going to be the only one i'd ever marry and I was wrong. He cheated on my during my pregnancy, he pushed me down while i was pregnant, he called me awful names in front of friends, and would hug me up no sooner than he'd say im sorry, especially in front of people. As soon as I had my daughter I left. Now im in a wonderful marriage of 3 years, together for 5, and its the best move i'd ever made. Dont stay in any sort of marriage that is going down hill like this. Its not worth the emotional and mental stress. Good luck, and dont put yourself through any more fights.
2 people like this
@innoc3nt_s1nner (14)
• United States
28 Dec 06
From what I have read it seems like he wants to cling to the idea of being married. You sound like a very loving and caring woman and at times I'm sure he realizes that if he were to lose you he would never find someone like you even if he isn't truely in love with you. He knows he doesn't deserve you therefore he tells you want he knows you want to hear such as I love you so much... or I didn't mean the things I said. Words are very easy to come out but actions are more believable at times unless provoked.
3 people like this
@amy69cne (95)
• United States
28 Dec 06
Well I know that I have been in some similar situations with my husband only it doesn't involve another child...I have read all of the other comments and in my opinion unless you are in a similar situation you will never fully understand...don't get me wrong I do love my husband and have continued to stand beside him no matter what but there comes a time when you have to draw the line and say no more...I obviously haven't reached that point yet, but my advice would be to sit down and evaluate yourself and your relationship...see where you stand and dig deep and see how you would feel without him and the frustration and how you would feel staying with him...weigh the pros and cons...then make a decision based on that...don't do anything too rash because that always leads to more heartache...hope everything works out the way it is supposed to for you
2 people like this
@catlyn087 (45)
• United States
29 Dec 06
You need to go with your gut... you know that you wouldn't normally put up with someone making you feel the way he does... you need to ask yourself why you let him do this to you. I am not saying that it is entirely his fault.. I only have one side of the story. But no one should stay in a relationship if they are not happy in the relationship, it just isn't healthy for either of you. I know it is hard, I recently split up with the father of my children, because we fought too much, and now we are best friends, get along great.. because we are not romantically involved or living together. Even if you love each other, if you have conflicting personalities, it is never going to be smooth sailing. Sometimes you have to say enough is enough! Just so you know... things do work out in the end.. and leaving is hard, but you have to do what is good for you!
2 people like this
@iluvpeaches2 (170)
• United States
28 Dec 06
Hunny, I feel your pain. My husband is the exact same way only he has a daugther who is 5 and he likes to watch t.v. instead of playin xbox. This has been going on for 2 years and I used to let myself get so angry and upset and stressed out about the situation and I even filed for divorce, but he begged me to come back and that he would change and everything else.. do you think he did? no. however, something else changed.. my way of thinking did. when i am alone with his daughter she behaves just as she should and she knows what i expect of her because i tell her when he isn't around. when he is around i used to try to tell her what i wanted her to do, but she would always run to her daddy and he would side with her. now i tell him in private when she isn't around. like "babe the living room is a mess" then when i come home at night magically it is clean :) I've also learned that I let her eat the candy and whatever and she got a stomache ache... her daddy asks me why she has a stomache ache and I tell him exactly what she ate and then she is required to eat better food. Her hair was falling out in the bath tub and I told him she wasn't eating enough fruits and vegetables and he loaded the fridge with fruit and veggies lol You have to figure out a different way to approach the situation or else it isn't going to change and your always going to be unhappy. The biggest thing I think you can do for yourself is to find your own financial support. I think this will make you a lot happier for starters! Good luck to you,and you're not the only one going through this. I don't know what it is with men thinking I child needs to be "free"? I never was and I seriously doubt he was, so where do they get it? What do they think this is going to teach their child... I just don't get it.
2 people like this
@volschenkh (1043)
• South Africa
28 Dec 06
Wow what a difficult situation you are in. It sounds like you are in real catch 22 situation. If I were you, I would not entertain the son's (and dad's) behaviour at all. Remove yourself from the situation completely, make dinner if they eat or not eat the food its their choice. Let them go sleep hungry. Do not mention a word about, act as if its not of your cencern at all. This weekend is probably going to be extremely difficult, especielly since your husband is going to blow the money you need for more important things.
Gosh I am bad at this, I cant tell you what to do. All I can do is pray for you and hope that it will become better in the near future.
2 people like this
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
28 Dec 06
Here's a suggestion. stop thinking about his level of love and start thinking about solving your own issues. If the kid can eat what he chooses then don't cook for anyone but yourself. Let THEM figure out their own meals.
If the kid has no rules, or the lack of discipline is harming your peronal property, then take money from the bank account to replace it. Don't argue about restitution or the lack of discipline. Take action. If you are earning your own money then set up a seperate bank account and only put what goes for the household in the account that is tapped for the son's visits. If the fellow is disrespectful you can find things to do away from home or arrange things so that when the kid is there, you have lots to do in another room.
Your arguing with your husband amounts to your asking permission to have your needs met and obviously he cannot meet both your needs and the son's when the son is there. Think of the son's visits as your chance to have time to yourself, and then take that time. You can plan how to leave your marriage with that time if you choose, but right now you need to arrange things for your own comfort.
It sounds as if you are clinging to an idealized, popular psychology approach to these issues, instead of creating a better environment for yourself. Stop trying to discuss this and start taking constructive action to make changes so you can think instead of having your heart lead you into unending conflict.
2 people like this
@sweetieBerry (235)
• Philippines
28 Dec 06
hi mrsadvice, hope that between now and the time that you started this topic - all has been well at home.
what stuck about all the things that you said was the fact that you don't want to talk about things because you don't want to end up fighting some more.
i don't have any advice to post here because i've only been married for 3 years and i'm still trying to get the hang of things.
i just want to tell you that you're a wonderful person and your husband is very lucky to have you and he's very very lucky that you're trying to mend and smooth things over. i know he may not realize this now, i hope that pretty soon, he will.
no matter what, keep in mind that you've been doing your best for your family and that you love them all so much.
@WhatsHerName (2716)
• United States
28 Dec 06
Ya, I learned about being a waitress from watching my sister with her 3 year old. Every meal she put in front of him he wanted something else. She would make him something else, then he wouldn't want that. She would make 3 or 4 different things. It got to the point where all he would eat was cheese. Till he got so constipated he used to bleed. That's insane, I have 3 kids and I'll be darned if I would make them all whatever they wanted to eat. I used to put the food on the table and they had to eat it or go without. They are all good eaters now.
I think I would try to just leave him in his fathers total care when he comes. It's a very hard situation. I feel for you. I think you are right, he is spoiling him and it will only get worse. Have you ever thought about getting counseling?
2 people like this
@mamabulldog60 (351)
• United States
28 Dec 06
Sounds like he is a Disney dad & the kid knows it, I am sorry he repeatedly takes junior's side over yours, I'm afraid I would have already bailed and let the two of them have each other, what else can you do if he won't see what is happening
2 people like this
