Any jokes u know?

A mouse walked into a pub, approached the bar, and sat on a stool. Looking down the bar he spotted a beautiful giraffe. "Hey bartender," the mouse said, "Send that cute giraffe at the end of the bar a drink on me". The bartender replied, "Listen buddy, every eligible man in the bar has tried to hit on that giraffe all night long. She just isn't interested. Save your money." But the mouse insisted, "Look pal, I know what I'm doing just send the lady a drink." Not wanting to start a fight, the bartender did as he was told and, to his amazement, he noticed the mouse make eye contact with the giraffe. The mouse moved down the bar and at on a stool next to the giraffe. They began to talk, and pretty soon they left the bar together. The next day, in walked the mouse, his clothes are a mess, his tail broken he looked just awful. The bartender exclaimed, "Jesus Christ mouse! What the hell happened to you? You look like a drowned rat!" The mouse mumbled, "Well I'll tell ya' pal, between smoochin' and rootin' I must have run a thousand miles last night."

One day a young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her Mother - "Mom, Tushar just proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her Mother asked. "Well, he also told me that he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe that hell exists!" Her mother replied, "Honey, marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he really is."

KNOCK KNOCK Who's There? Honeycomb Honeycomb Who? Honeycomb your hair! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- KNOCK KNOCK Who's There? Justin Justin who? Just in time for dinner! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- KNOCK KNOCK Who's There? Canoe Canoe who? Canoe come out to play? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- KNOCK KNOCK Who's There? Beets Beets who? Beets me! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- KNOCK KNOCK Who's There? Arthur Arthur who? Arthur more cookies in the jar? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- KNOCK KNOCK Who's There? Honey Bee Honey Bee who? Honey, bee a dear and get me a soda. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- KNOCK KNOCK Who's there? Cows Cows who? No they don't, they MOO!

A Doctor gets taken short up in the middle of the night and finds his toilet is completely blocked. He says to his wife, "I'm going to have to call a plumber." The wife replies, "You can't call a plumber out at three in the morning!" He says, "Of course I can! I have to go out on night-time calls if a patient needs me." Anyway, he rings a plumber, who complains bitterly about having to come out in the middle of the night. The Doctor says the same thing, "I have to come out on late-night calls to see patients, why shouldn't you?" At about 3.30AM the plumber arrives, very bleary-eyed, and the Doctor shows him to the blocked toilet. The plumber drops two tablets down the pan and says to the Doctor, "If there's no change, call me in the morning!"

Here is my contribution: A couple has a 'love' spat and were driving down a country road in silence. A mule in a roadside pasture brayed. "A relative of yours?" asked the husband. "Yeah, by marriage," came the sweet reply. 2. Doctor"Has your baby learned to talk yet?" Mother:"Yes, indeed. We're teaching him to shut up now". OK, It may be your intention to entertain others. Good!!!

The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology, "How do you determine if a patient is cured." The psychologist explains: "We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub." "I see," says the health minister, "the cured person would choose the cup because it`s bigger, and would empty the tub faster." "Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a normal person would simply pull the plug."

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor

Blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says: "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

Tag: Not valid in canada

one indian and american r in flight...they both have one competition.american said to indian i will ask u one question if u dont know the answer u have to give me 100 rupess.indian said ok and again to his reply indian said i will also ask u one question if u dont know the answer u have to give me $100,american said ok. the american asked to indian do u know how much distance the world is from moon,the indian think and said i dont know so he handover 100rupees to american..and now indian asked to american do u the animal which gone to mountain with 3 legs and comeback with 4 legs,american was thinking and thinking also he tried to search in net but he didnt get the answer,so he handover $100 to indian,and after that american asked wht is the answer for ur question,indian slightly gave him 100 rupess...

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

i don't know.

Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Venereal Disease Clinic."

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God." The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love." "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down.

The boss seeing his secretary arriving one morning in a very short mini dress. "Miss Fernandes, don't make it any shorter. I'm a heart patient."

The Fortune Telling Scale: A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner of the waiting room and saw a weighing machine that also tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me.". She went over to the machine, put a quarter in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun who weighs 128 pounds and you're going to Chicago, Illinois." She sat down and thought about it. She reasoned that it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine, put her quarter in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong! I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down when out of nowhere a cowboy sat next to her and set his fiddle case in the seat next to the lady. The nun picked up the fiddle and played the most beautiful music, as if she had been playing for years. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!" Back to the machine she went. She put her quarter in and another card came out that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind." Now the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public a day in my life!" She turned around and tripped, falling off the scale, breaking wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again!" She went back to the machine, put in a quarter, and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your plane to Chicago!!!" iho :P